Dan's Neighborhood

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	“	Dan, your neighborhood looks like Hurricane Katrina went through Baghdad.	„
	—Astrozombies in ED irc.

In most ghettos you will find all sorts of violence, poverty, crime, and a generally demoralized population. However, in Dan’s Neighborhood, while you might find many of these things, you will also find another ghetto-variable in far greater quantity than in most other ghettos: stupidity. Never before, in the history of mankind, has this much moronic behavior and brain-deadery ever been assembled and poured into one small community. What makes this all that much worse is the fact that over 60% of the population of Dan’s Neighborhood cannot speak a word of English. Oh how the lolz ensue.

History

Originally, Dan’s Neighborhood was constructed to house students attending Ohio State University. Over time, the population shifted from white students to students visiting from other countries. This naturally led to whole families of brown people moving in with the students because everybody knows that if you can cram 30 people into a two bedroom apartment, then by Allah the merciful, they’re gonna do it. Distant cousins, great-grandfathers, and in-laws all swarmed into the community, taking every available apartment and turning it into some sort of Bedouin trash heap. Finally, somebody decided that since it wasn’t going to get any better, it would be a good idea to turn an old Borden ice cream packing plant into a mosque, and viola! the government funding was appropriated. Today, the whole area is nothing more than a massive collective of Muslims (with a few other minorities – still brown people though) sharing many houses amongst many families.

Economy

Please. The economy of Dan’s Neighborhood is nothing more than a bunch of foreigners using work permits and food stamps to survive. The only two surviving businesses that are still around and able to keep their heads above water are the carry-out and the bar. These two places somehow exist amid a religious community that does not drink alcohol or smoke tobacco primarily because kids from neighboring communities can use fake IDs to purchase contraband.

Another, newer industry has recently been making in-roads within Dan’s Neighborhood. The industry of the dumpster diver. Anytime you can amass such a huge population within such a small area, there is bound to be a lot of aluminum cans, old furniture, and broken appliances. What doesn’t make it into the dumpsters usually is just thrown on the ground as it is now somebody else’s problem. But this does not discourage the neighborhood’s many garbage pickers. They can be seen every day, driving around in their beat up pick-up trucks with a mass of tangled garbage and metal piping crammed into the bed.

Population

As has been previously stated, the main population of Dan’s Neighborhood is Islamic individuals from various countries. While most of these people are unassuming and private, there are also a large group of notables who are loud, obnoxious, and generally, the most uneducated idiots you will ever have a chance to meet.

The Garbage Guy

You have probably seen the images of the people who have thrown away their lives by purchasing everything they can from Ebay and then cramming their homes as full of possible with the crap. The Garbage Guy is very similar to those sorts of people, but he doesn’t buy anything from Ebay, he just digs it out of the many dumpsters in the community and then shoe-horns the rubbish into his home. From the street you can see all sorts of crap piled up against his windows and if you are lucky you may find his garage door open. It is a testament that he can fit so much junk into so small a place and have it fit perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle. Another interesting note: he has so much shit in his house now, he is forced to sleep on the front lawn in a chez-lounge chair.

The Walkin’ Dude

This guy is a neighborhood celebrity. Since moving in, he has stalked the streets at all times of day or night, shouting out whatever he happens to be thinking of at the time. Often, The Walkin’ Dude will stop in mid stride and just stand there not moving. It has been speculated that he is praying because he will move his lips while he is immobile.

Some of the things Walkin’ Dude yells:

• PEACE BE WITH YOU!
• The lyrics to “Land Down Under” by Men At Work.
• I’M NOT DRUNK, ITS ORANGE FAYGO!
• Do you boys want me to get you some girls?
• Do you girls want some candy?

The Walkin’ Dude has an incredible range, he has been spotted as many as ten miles from Dan’s Neighborhood, stomping around to the beat of some drummer inside his head. But no matter how far he travels, he always makes it home…but nobody knows where his home actually is. It has been theorized that he never actually sleeps, he just walks around.

Osama

Alternately named “Big Chief,” this man looks startlingly like Osama Bin Laden. He can be seen wandering down to the grocery store just about every day, scaring the shit out of any white people he may run across. On his way home, he can often be found running from the many Muslim teens that populate the neighborhood. It seems that they like to throw rocks, tree limbs, and soccer balls at him because it is considered great sport to beat on the elderly within their circles.

Voodoo Master

Once, a few years ago, the Voodoo Master’s son lost his shoes. Nobody knows if the shoes were stolen or if the boy just accidently left them someplace and forgot where he put them. This was of no concern to the Voodoo Master, as he promptly went apeshit crazy and stormed around the neighborhood, blaming everybody and their brother for stealing the shoes. If he was confronted, he would claim that he was from Africa and could cast “voodoo spells” on any person who got in his way. Unfortunately, the police were immune to his voodoo magic and promptly reminded him that he was visiting this country as a guest…with their nightsticks.

Update: the Voodoo Master’s son recently received, and then promptly lost, a new pair of sandals. Remembering his treatment at the hands of the police, Voodoo Master didn’t confront anybody within the community regarding the loss of the shoes. This time he calmly beat the fuck out of his child for 45 minutes right in the middle of the street. Since most Muslims enjoy this sort of sport, the police were not contacted, but rather applauded the efforts of Voodoo Master correcting his shoe-losing son.

Tow Truck Guy

Easily the most hated person in the neighborhood, Tow Truck Guy has been given the job of making sure that all of the apartment community’s parking lot rules are followed. Since the mosque has about 7,000 members and only 20 parking spaces, the whole community is swamped with illegally parked cars every day between 2:00pm and 4:00pm when the mosque has its daily functions. Once church is in, Tow Truck Guy (and his many fellow Tow Truck Guys) swoop in and haul between 5 and 10 cars out each day. The massive butthurt and Islamic rage can only be described as exquisite.

When Tow Truck Guy was asked about his job and his duties. In answering, he was animated, pleased, and smug all at the same time:

“	Look man, if you want to park in this lot, you have to have a lot placard. Don’t give me any of that mumbo-jumbo shit, with your Allah talk! If you live here, you better speak English. If I get your car up on the lift, but I don’t get off the property, its forty bucks. Get it? Forty fucking bucks. Now, if I get off the property and onto a city street, that rate goes up to 200 bucks…and don’t let me catch you parking in the handicapped spots! What’d you call me? Oh fuck, forget the forty bucks, asshole, I’ll see you down at the impound yard. Fucking sandniggers!	„
—Tow Truck Guy has a “Git R Done” hat.

The Kids

CASH IS A BEAST

While it is not odd to see rampaging children in other ghettos, it must be remembered that the average age of this wild pack of sugar-high retards is about six years old.

Things The Kids do:

• climb in dumpsters looking for used baby diapers
• throw used baby diapers at each other
• on the same day, eat a candy bar found in the same dumpster as the dirty diapers
• burn down an apartment building
• throw baseball sized rocks at passing cars (lol Palestinians)
• destroy every single satellite dish that is within their height range
• steal a cell phone from a parent, call 911, then shove the phone into an unsuspecting person’s mail slot

While this list of mischief goes on and on, and could be added to on a daily basis, it is not a good idea to attempt to fathom the utter disregard and stupidity towards humanity the kids in Dan’s Neighborhood can reach.

Agriculture and Wildlife

Since Dan’s Neighborhood is within the city limits and is landlocked by other communities, there is very little agricultural industry within its confines. There are, however, a few enterprising Mexicans who are making great advances in the hydroponic agriculture industry.

Wildlife is another story. Since the whole community abuts a 100 year old cemetery, there are literally thousands of interesting pest animals that rove the streets day and night. Children in the neighborhood play with rats, squirrels, opossums, birds, roaches, and deer. This play usually consists of either capturing and torturing these vermin, or just throwing rocks at them. Lice is rampant, and a day does not go by where another child will appear from his home with a fresh-shaven head. The odor of delousing chemicals is a familiar smell to the members of this proud community.

Bedbugs

Bedbugs have been pretty much eradicated from North America since the 1960s. Government programs and an aggressive use of DDT effectively ended this parasite’s presence within most communities in the United States. Not in Dan’s Neighborhood though! Since most of the people who live here are just visiting on work visas, they have to go home from time to time. While in other countries, these dirty slobs pick up the parasites and then transport them back to the neighborhood. This has led to a massive infestation of bedbugs in the area. And while bedbugs themselves do not care who they bite, most normal, sane people don’t like being the victim of them and will take care of the problem. Not so in Dan’s Neighborhood, where the average citizen doesn’t give enough of a shit about taking care of their own children much less some nasty fucking bugs. This has led to whole buildings having to be condemned and closed due to infestation.

Things to remember about bedbugs:

• if you are infested, you are fucked.
• remember that nice couch you bought? You’re gonna have to throw it away.
• the only way to effectively kill a bedbug infestation is to gas your home at least four times over the course of many months. The poison used is a diluted form of DDT, and is very expensive.
• bedbugs are nocturnal, so if you are ever going to actually find any, you are going to need to get a flashlight and search for them at 4 in the morning.
• they like to hide behind electrical plates where they lay indestructible eggs that will hatch several years later.
• if you want to try to save anything, you are going to have to seal it in plastic and then bake it at 300 degrees for two hours.
• infestations can be so bad, you can actually see the bedbugs congregating on the walls of an infested home. The little bastards have balls, and don’t give a fuck.
• it is really funny to see a Muslim child walking around outside with the distinctive bite pattern that bedbugs leave on their victims.

Crime and Criminal Activity

Despite the low intelligence of the average citizen who lives in Dan’s Neighborhood, there are quite a few individuals who display some crude forms of intellect. Usually, these individuals use their lower intelligence to better themselves through criminal activity and scams, but sometimes they are just attempting to have some fun.

Typical Crimes:

• encouraging your children to play in the street hoping that they will get hit by a car. Insurance pays off!
• honor killings
• bicycle theft
• setting up card tables and selling hastily burned DVDs of the latest movies. Usually, these movies will be of utterly no quality whatsoever, but hey, they only cost five bucks!
• parking your car in the middle of the street because you do not know how to drive.
• Muslim on Muslim hate crimes.
• phone card scams and phone scams
• busting the lock off of the mosque’s shed so that you can steal the 40 year old lawnmower
• Abuse (child and spousal)
• certifiable psychotics wandering the streets unsupervised
• digging the bricks out of an apartment building so you can go home and build some shelves.

Because the police do not actively control Dan’s Neighborhood, you would think that there would be a lot of drug crimes within the community, but this, however, is not the case as most of the citizens are bombtossing Islamic fundamentalists. They keep the criminal element wrapped up, and any crimes involving drugs are dealt with inside the church. Nobody hears from the offenders ever again.

Law Enforcement Officers

Of course on the rare occasion that police officers do patrol the neighborhood, they harass adults...when the real culprits around here are the shitty, ragamuffin brats who scatter like cockroaches whenever they hear a siren.

Cuisine

Somebody is burning a hell of a lot of onions…every fucking day.

Sports and Athletics

While most of the sporting events in Dan’s Neighborhood involve beating up women or chasing old men with sticks, there is a thriving amount of athletic activity that goes on. Every day, the kids of the neighborhood organize soccer or football games in the many vacant lots that dot the terrain. These games, usually played with no organized teams or rules, usually end up with somebody going to jail and somebody going to the hospital.

Some popular sports events and ideas:

• using a 700 lb. metal dumpster as an end zone
• throwing beer bottles at each other
• playing chicken with the Tow Truck Guy on a stolen bicycle
• burka sports (see below)
• digging under barbed wire fences
• littering
• breaking my bedroom window three times with a rock wrapped in tape (lol, it’s a baseball!)
• playing Frisbee with a stolen satellite dish
• begging any adult for loose change.

Clothing

	“	when they wear those black and white burkas they look like a bipedal pint of Guinness	„
	—Zorki in EDirc

All the young Muslim males in Dan’s Neighborhood who aren’t from Africa walk around with baggy jeans and baseball caps tilted sideways. All of them are attempting to merge their Muslim culture with gangsta rap bullshit that only winds up making them look like sand-wiggers. Some of the older men, including Osama, wear traditional Persian garb and shake their heads at today’s youth.

Females, on the other hand, are all expected to wear full burkas. This includes children as well. Nothing is more hilarious than watching a bunch of retarded girls attempting to play kickball in a full burka. It’s like watching an episode of the Three Stooges.

Ramadan

Ramadan, the holy month, is usually described as a time to make prayer to Allah, fasting, peaceful reflection, and to be humble in God's glory. The month is celebrated in the ninth month of the Islamic calendar year, but not in Dan's Neighborhood...around here, they celebrate whenever they goddamn well please. Ramadan also differs in how Muslims celebrate the holiday in Dan's Neighborhood. Here, instead of peaceful reflection and all that other religious mumbo-jumbo, they celebrate by blocking up the whole street with parked cars, burning couches in front yards, ringing very loud bells at 3:00am, throwing more trash around than usual, and starting riots at the local grocery store.

It is also interesting to note that the illegal Mexican immigrants in Dan's Neighborhood also celebrate Ramadan despite the fact that most of them are Catholic. During the holy month, beaners can be seen selling drugs openly on the streets since all the Muslim people are inside and unable to run them off. So, not only is the street blocked off by multiple cars overflowing the mosque's parking lot, there are also multiple parked cars jamming up the traffic by stopping wherever a person sees a Mexican just standing there on the street. While the ease of getting drugs during Ramadan might be considered a positive thing by most people, it must be realized that these dealers are Mexicans, and more than likely, you are buying a bag of oregano.

Moving Out

When moving out of Dan's Neighborhood, it is always a good idea to just toss your shit everywhere because nobody gives a crap. Your shit might include: sofas, chairs, garbage, inexplicable glass display tables, old carpet cleaning machines, and USED FUCKING NEEDLES.

That's right, somebody happened to toss a box of used diabeetus needles into the trash along with a pile of unused ones. When you see this sort of thing, the average person will probably decide to just get rid of them by dumping them deeper into a dumpster or calling a local fire department to dispose of the hazmat in a safe manner. But wait, you are in Dan's Neighborhood...so when people see needles, the first thing that comes to mind is stabbing everybody you can with them.

Quotes

	“	Dan, put up posters in the neighborhood with a link	„
	—Cunt Destroyer

	“	The day I move out of here, I will	„
	—Dan

See Also

• Islam
• Muhammed
• Poor
• Terror
• Terrorism
• Terrorist
• Arab
• Allah
• Middle East
• Ohio
• Ohio State University
• Internet Relevance

External Links

• Omar Ibnelkhttab Mosque
• Woody's Sports Club Facebook
• End Zone Drive Thru & U-Haul Facebook
• Boulevard Gardens will not reopen.

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