Carico

Warning! this page is FAIL

Carico (Heidi Carico) is a deranged, Bible-thumping fundamentalist who has somehow managed to become so mind-boggingly retarded that she is regularly featured across the interwebs as a way of reaching totally new levels of lulz. The old hag (she's 56) hangs out over at the Christian Apologetic and Research Ministry forums. When she doesn't post overly arrogant messages to various apologetic boards all over the internet (because she knows the absolute truth, 'cuz, come on, it is obvious people, listen to me, don't object, and you will be saved!), she goes all the way to save the "heathenous evolutionists" and make them accept the Word of God, not as a spiritual guide or a basis for morality, but as the "Absolute Guide to the Truth", complete with all its literal meaning. She believes that the Theory of Evolution actually proposes that apes give birth to humans, and always debunks this assumption. Of course, it doesn't matter to her, because she shouts that the evidence don't exist, despite the fact that they have bitten her ass numerous times.

Biography

Srsly.

It is speculated by most credible experts that Carico was not born, but that she rather spawned from an utterly horrible fundie webcomic promoting the same hairbrain views as she currently does. It has been also speculated that, due to a time paradox, she engaged in incest with herself and also gave birth to herself. Having grown up in the 11th century, and transferred to our time via a good hard kick in the ass, she was immediately fascinated by the miracles of our present time technology. Soon, a Beatles CD interested her vastly, and she decided to purchase epic proportions of identical records, but due to a mistake in her filling out some specific forms, she ordered a large collection of Fundie Evangelical sermons, and thus became immensely brainwashed. She then developed a deep hatred for science, although it is obvious that if it weren't for science, she'd be living in a cave, shitting into a hole, hunting animals, eating raw meat and dying of natural causes at the age of 20. Wanting to vent all this unreasonable hatred for knowledge -because it turns people away from GOD!!!11!! ZOMG OH NOES!!11!!!!-, she started trolling CARM and other boards, attention-whoring and preaching 60/24/365.

Trolling Career

Carico's posts demonstrate a huge insight on various topics, such as biology, astronomy, physics, etc., but from the view of a psychopath. She constantly bitches about the "godless atheist secular leftist atheist homosexual communist socialist" propaganda, giving birth to epic lulz without even realising it.

CARM and CF

After registering at the CARM forums, on 04-15-2006, she immediately started trolling the Evolution & ID forums, having over than 20 posts per day as of 8-13-07, being your typical lifeless peron. However, unlike your average attention-whoring troll, she has never uploaded a photo of her on the internets, therefore ruining some additional opportunities to increase lulz via shoopin', even though her posts alone are contain a shitload of hilarity. She continued trolling the boards, until the admins banned her for being overly tolerant and complaining about not banning scientists and rational persons for being heathens).

FSTDT

After Carico was banned, she moved over to troll the FSTDT forums. She bitched again about evolutionists being irrational, while herself posessed lesser reasoning skills than a bucket of vomit. She started different drive-by threads, full of sweeping generalizations, where she continued her long journey to complete retardation. She finally started a thread about the "unchristian" CARM, where she was totally owned by posters at subjects as difficult as solving 1+1.

Back to CARM

After her ban was lifted over at CARM, Carico continued to recycle her overly repeated material, while adding a new twist; claiming that atheists can't inherently understand the Bible, so it's pointless to discuss with them -the easiest way to "win" a debate, much like TheAmazingAtheist (another fucktard militant atheist), who deems Christians intellectually inferior, so as to pussy out of the conversation, just like Carico. Meanwhile, she is still posting at CARM, and most posters await for moar of her lulzy idiocy.

TheologyOnline

Carico also joined Theology Online, which is akin to pissing into the lake of piss as the site is run and overrun by screaming, frothing, raving fundies who, among other fucktarded things, think that all gays, adulterers, perjurors, abortionists, disobedient children, and muslims should get an IRL ban. Such is the sheer, flaming Bible fanboyism on this site that she does not stand out as being unusual and in fact is thought to be quite moderate and friendly.

Note: TheologyOnline.com is ripe for atheist trolling though the banhammer is used to smite the God-hating liberal commie homosexual muslim atheist conspirators over 9000 times a day.

A Christian and an Atheist

Carico has now brought her raging fucktardation to the A Christian and an Atheist podcast forum, where she is shrieking with all the coherence of a Sea Kitten on mercury about how Jewish history proves every aspect of Christian theology beyond all doubt and how anyone who says otherwise is an anti-semite living in an imaginary reality. At first, posters treated her with astonishing civility and consideration, as is the habit of the forum, although this did not persist for long. After several threads appeared specifically discussing Carico, Carico took offense and stormed off after a [final tirade]. Shortly before she left, poster name dunc289 started saying he was Carico. Unfortunately, his claims were judged to be highly dubious, and many who had hoped to regain some of their faith in humanity were disappointed.

Quotes

Original quotes from batshit-insane troll Carico.

	“	Sorry, but I thought you considered yourself knowledge about science. Every particle of matter when observed under a microscope is composed of living micro-organisms, Ergaster.	„
	—Carico

	“	"Homo sapiens" is a made-up creature based on skulls with missing pieces. Even criminals can't be convicted on such flimsy evidence. [rolleyes smiley]	„
	—Carico

	“	Jesus said that faith can move a mountain and it surely can. If God gives us the faith that we won't get sick if we drink a pint of hemlock, then we won't get sick, period.	„
	—Carico

	“	The earth's atmosphere also just happens to contain magnetic particles to produce gravity to keep the earth's inhabitants from floating away.	„
	—Carico

	“	No. The bible never mentions dinosaurs so they are also figments of the imaginations of scientists... No. That's because they are the creation of 19th century science fiction writers.	„
	—Carico

	“	DNA is all a scam. They say that DNA from blood samples can prove who people are, but blood doesn't even HAVE DNA!	„
	—Carico

	“	Ignorance is bliss. So enjoy your "happiness" while it lasts because eternal anguish never goes away and it could start for you as soon as tonight.	„
	—Carico

Copypasta

Posted by Carico here:

Evolutionists worship Darwin as a god. Otherwise they would be able to see the flaws in his theory even though millions of others can see them. But since they think he was infallible, then they think his theory was also.

Otherwise there is no reason to claim that animals can breed or turn into human beings...unless one really doesn't have a basic understanding of the birds and the bees. But since most of us acquired that knowledge in school, from our parents, personal experience and/or watching what animals breed on farms, then I trust that all intelligent adults know why animals can't breed human beings.

So the only reason that people would continue to make these wild claims is because they whorship Darwin and all scientists as gods. That's of course what the German people did with Hitler and we all know what that led to.

So only when you start seeing that it's okay to see Darwin as a fallible human being and not a god, will you have no problem seeing the absurdity of his theory and not until.

The above post was full of smilies, used inappropriately and not at all sparingly. Sadly. Fortunately, you will never have the chance to lay your eyes on such a screaming eyesore, since it would appear that the admins at CARM deemed the screed such an embarrassment, that they removed it.

Conclusion

Carico is, indeed, the final evolved form of any troll. Is she for real? Does she do it (liek ED) for the lulz? Either way, one is sure. She will keep generating lulz and drama and being a lolcow till the Rapture. 'Nuff said.

MOAR Links

• Her CARM profile

• Her CF profile

Carico is part of a series on Trolls Visit the Trolls Portal for complete coverage.