Kama Sutra

	“	First rub your penis with wasp stings and massage it with sweet oil. When it swells, let it dangle for ten nights through a hole in your bed, going to sleep each night on your stomach.	„
	—KamaSutra on how to make your penis bigger. Or, fall off. One of the two.

Not 4 teh obese

The Kama Sutra is an ancient sex manual that has little application in today's world, where everyone's too fat and out of shape to achieve any of its sex positions. There also aren't any disclaimers about needing protection or the prevalence of STDs. Instead, it's stuffed with pseudo-spiritual bullshit and snippets of philosophy, which are both guaranteed boner killers.

Another funny bit is that the book is designed for men with small penises. That's right. Back then (and even now), the average Indian's penis was 4.5" long (11.43cm). This is why the book likes to talk about "deeper penetration", whereas if you tried that shit today, you'd be more likely to painfully skewer her. Although, not with your tiny prick.

The Positions

The Kama Sutra is most famous for the inventive, uncomfortable or downright bizarre sexual positions it illustrates. It is no surprise that godless savages from ancient India would be proponents of anything outside of procreation-only missionary position. The sections of the book that illustrate positions ought to be handled carefully. It is best to wear latex gloves while turning the pages of this filth.

Gallery

Thank Your Mom For Posing For Us About missing Pics

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  The two fist surprise.
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  This is why you're not allowed in Ikea.
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  Your partner might die. Sit patiently if this occurs.

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  The most erotic part of a man is the front of the thigh.
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  If the chair's rockin...
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  If she falls off the chair, grab her by the tits.
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  Missionary? In MY Kama Sutra?
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  Ride away into the sunset on an alligator.
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  This never happens IRL.

Who Practices Kama Sutra?

Fun for the whole family.

Pretentious, slender yuppies that schedule sex into their lives on their Blackberries. After they have their forty five minutes of exotic passion, they Twitter about it while driving to the pharmacy for their Plan B pill. An overwhelming majority of the positions are about as comfortable to be in as the crab walk position, and when you're focusing on keeping your balance and holding your own weight up, you're mostly just mindlessly mashing your genitals against the other person. But these yuppies will insist that this is the most passionate expression of love they've ever had and that the orgasms and pleasure factor are phenomenal. They also say that getting a colon flush is awesome and mumble about chakras and energy crystals. These people are often a little blurry to look at because they're surrounded by a haze of bullshit.

Kama Sutra Sites

A quick Google search for some fan sites and forums dedicated to the Kama Sutra confirms every stereotype tenfold.
The delightful Kama Sutra seems to offer advice on "sexual congress" of any sort, including what to do with eunuchs, female's "middle parts" or even how to "hold the lingam in the mouth", and even "sounds that are appropriate to make when striking the body of your partner during sexual congress". Hint: It's not "Oh yeah baby, yeah, just like that". It's more like the sound Phut, the weeping sound, the thundering sound, et al.
One direct translation of KamaSutra texts has some of the following gems:

	“	THERE are two kinds of eunuchs, those that are disguised as males, and those that are disguised as females. Eunuchs disguised as females imitate their dress, speech, gestures, tenderness, timidity, simplicity, softness and bashfulness. The acts that are done on the jaghana or middle parts of women, are done in the mouths of these eunuchs, and this is called Auparishtaka. 1 These eunuchs derive their imaginable pleasure, and their livelihood from this kind of congress, and they lead the life of courtesans. So much concerning eunuchs disguised as females.	„
	—KamaShastra Guideline To KamaSutra

	“	The sound Hin; The thundering sound; The cooing sound; The weeping sound; The sound Phut; The sound Phât; The sound Sût; The sound Plât	„
	—Kama Sutra on sounds that are OK to make when hitting someone during sex

	“	When a person kisses a child sitting on his lap, or a picture, or an image, or figure, in the presence of the person beloved by him, it is called a 'transferred kiss'.	„
	—KamaSutra on how it's okay to molest kids if you think of your beloved the whole time.

	“	The biting, which consists of many broad rows of marks near to one another, and with red intervals, is called the 'biting of a boar'. This is impressed on the breasts and the shoulders; and these two last modes of biting are peculiar to persons of intense passion.	„
	—KamaSutra on biting boobies like a manbearpig

	“	In such cases the man should rub the yoni of the woman with his hand and fingers (as the elephant rubs anything with his trunk) before engaging in congress, until it is softened, and after that is done he should proceed to put his lingam into her.	„
	—KamaSutra thinks elephant metaphors are appropriate during sex. Take that, women.

	“	IN the pleasure-room, decorated with flowers, and fragrant with perfumes, attended by his friends and servants, the citizen should receive the woman, who will come bathed and dressed, and will invite her to take refreshment and to drink freely. He should then seat her on his left side, and holding her hair, and touching also the end and knot of her garment, he should gently embrace her with his right arm.	„
	—KamaSutra on unrealistic expectations

	“	As her hips begin to churn, her head, flung back, bobs ever faster; she scratches, pummels you with small fists, fastens her teeth in your neck, doing unto you what you've often done unto her.	„
	—KamaSutra on the position of, apparently, rape

	“	Anoint your penis, before lovemaking, with honey into which you have powered black pepper, long pepper and "datura" (the green thorn apple) - it will utterly devastate your lady.	„
	—KamaSutra on devastating the ladies by pouring Tabasco sauce all over your dick.

	“	When a man places his breast between the breasts of a of Vatsyayana woman and presses her with it, it is called the 'embrace of the breasts'.	„
	—KamaSutra on how to have a moob and boob rubdown.

	“	Even when a stranger sees at a distance a young woman with the marks of nails on her breast, he is filled with love and respect for her.	„
	—KamaSutra on how women ought to be treated.

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The Movie

Kama Sutra: A Tale of Love is a foreign movie with a misleading title. Even the synopsis on IMDb is misleading: the plot summary is "Two girlhood friends become sexual rivals at maturity." What's maturity mean, is that puberty? Is this possible lesbian loli?
The story is the typical reimagining of a Prince and the Pauper story, except it's about women so the moment their ovaries kick in, it's nothing but cattiness and bitch city. A princess and a servant girl grow up together, are the best of friends, and then they both end up bitter rivals for the same guy.
How in the fuck do two women who are the best of friends end up fighting bitterly for one man? Simple: he's rich. There might also be a male shortage in India or something - why else would they be aborting all the female infants?

Misleading Title

When a film with the title of Kama Sutra is set to play on late, late night cable, it is hardly a stretch that you'd expect some kinky shit in the movie. Titling a movie Kama Sutra would be nothing short of false advertising if it were actually just a lame chick flick. Imagine if Shaved Pussies 3: Wet and Juicy or Anal Sluts Sexxxposed were nothing but costume-laden period pieces that were smothered with plot - and not just any plot, but the worst type of plot, a love story.

What SHOULD be in a Kama Sutra movie. Opium and group sex.

Avoid actually seeing this movie at all costs. There is more erotic content in a Magic Schoolbus episode.

IMDb Lulz

The fuck...? If there was any art in the Kama Sutra, I thought it would be a few crappy drawings of Indian people fucking.

The IMDb page delivers plenty of lulz and is an excellent place to troll with hyper-sexual comments and misogyny.

How To Troll the IMDb Page

- Stories about how your god awful girlfriend got pissed when you rented this and called you a sick pervert.
- Stories about how your god awful girlfriend rented this and you got pissed at her for not being a sick pervert and getting actual porn.
- Ignorant comments about how this is about how there's too many women in India and that's why they're aborting girl fetuses, since otherwise they fuck and fight to the death to get a man.
- Copy/paste of a rave review of an actual porno as a comment. Even if it misleads a single guy into renting this shit, it's worth it.

See Also

• Sex
• Unrealistic Expectations
• New Age
• Drugs
• Hippies
• India

External Links

• Kama Sutra: The Movie

• MetaCafe Kama Sutra Slide Show

• KamaShastra KamaSutra translation

• Sex not covered by the Kama Sutra; Teledildonics

Kama Sutra is part of a series on Sex Visit the Sex Portal for complete coverage.