View source for IPad

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{{warning|<center>WANTING AN iPAD WILL CAUSE YOU TO<br>SELL YOUR KIDNEY ON THE BLACK MARKET. <br>[http://www.shanghaidaily.com/nsp/National/2011/06/02/Boy+regrets+selling+his+kidney+to+buy+iPad/ SRSLY.]</center>}}

{{quote|It's the in-between between a laptop and a computer.|[http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8601679.stm Some clueless douche]|Completely misunderstanding the differences between tablets, notebooks, and PCs, as a proper Apple user should.}}
[[Image:Ipodipad.jpg|centre]]
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In what can only be described as the "Crystal Pepsi" of technology, the '''iPad''' (also known as the '''maxiPad''', '''TamPod''', or '''iPhone XL''') is [[Apple|Apple's]] latest creation, designed so that neckbearded, trust funded [[artfag|art history majors]] can pay twice as much money for a product with half as many features as a competing product. In what is [[Steve Jobs]]' last attempt to give you [[AIDS]] and to appear [[Unwarranted Self-Importance|relevant]] in the new decade, the iPad gives you the option of using your own WiFi, or having [[AT&T]] or [[Verizon]] come and [[rape]] you. Like the [[iPhone]], it is just as [[gay]], just as fragile, and just as [[white]].  Although the iPad does support tethering, it comes at such an exorbitant monthly charge that anyone who bought a WiFi only iPad hoping they could tether it to their iPhone  will wish that they had just bought an iPad with both WiFi and 3G. Think of it as a [[Terri Schiavo|giant vegetable]] (iPad) comparing areola size to an amputated incestuous retard cousin (iPod). 

[[File:FrogJobs.jpg|thumb|290px|Steve Jobs presents the iPad.]]

Clearly, there is a lack of originality in name choice. [[Some argue|Sources say]] that the [[mantrain|Creative Team]] spent around fifty minutes trying random combinations of letters after the letter "i", before some bright spark realized that they could easily replace the "o" in [[iPod]]. As a result, Apple has attempted to trademark the [[Pedophile|iPed]] and [[Penis|iPud]] in an attempt to deter the [[Chinese]] from bootlegging the iPad, but unfortunately, {{Archive|FcgVp|the chinks beat them to it.}}

== Origins ==
In June 2009, Michael Arrington, a [[douchebag]] masquerading as a [[lawyer]] masquerading as a tech [[blogger]], launched a prototype [[Linux]]-based tablet computer called the [http://techcrunch.com/2009/06/03/crunchpad-the-launch-prototype/ Crunchpad]. Unfortunately, Arrington made the fatal mistake of posting pictures of it and information about it to his blog which in turn led his Singapore based hardware contractor, Chandra Rathakrishnan of Fusion Garage, to attempt to steal the design. Chandra Rathakrishnan and Fusion Garage attempted to launch their newly illicitly-obtained tablet under the new name "JooJoo," [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JooJoo SRSLY!], but were promptly sued by Arrington who claimed that they had stolen his design. In their final betrayal of Arrington, Fusion Garage leaked the JooJoo's specs to Apple, who in turn [[Pwned|copied the JooJoo's hardware design and launched the iPad]] (iPad hardware is a clone of the JooJoo/Crunchpad). Arrington is currently suing Rathakrishnan while Rathakrishnan is trying to get production started by having you chip in by "preordering." He [http://thejoojoo.com/store/order/new accepts] both your VISA and Mastercard.

== Also known as Tablet/UMPC ==

Believe it or not, the iPad is merely a poor knockoff of [[Microsoft|Microsoft's]] Tablet/UMPC platform. This certainly indicates something about the iPad because Microsoft Tablets and Netbooks are pure liquid [[shit]]. Like everything else that is made my Microsoft, Windows tablets run hot, have about six minutes of battery life, and are manufactured by a bunch of [[Taiwan|Taiwanese]] corner-cutting [[Jews]] with drivers written by either 12-year-old [[script kiddies]] or trained monkeys. No one's really sure.

Rather than improve on the platform, Apple removed the QWERTY keyboard, USB ports, webcam, HDMI/VGA output, GPS, and 100GB+ of storage, and still managed to [[Jews|charge more than everyone else]]. Although typical [[Windows|Windows 7]] netbooks restrict multitasking to only 3 apps, they still thrash the hard drive like an epileptic hummingbird on crack. On the other hand, the iPad restricts you to only one app (which must be approved and signed by [[Steve Jobs|the lord and master's root certificate]]. This, of course, is absolutely revolutionary and a [[fap|stroke]] of genius on Apple's part.

== iTampon ==

[[File:Yesitsamaxipadjokewegetit.jpg|thumb|Just like regular pads, the [[Pun|iPad]] comes in three different sizes, depending on how heavy your flow is.]]
The very aptly named iPad comes from the fact, that even though you spent all your hipster welfare on this garbage, Apple will still do everything to bleed you dry. 

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== [[Dental Plan|Data Plan]] ==

[[File:IPadnano.png|thumb|Coming soon to an Apple store near you!]]
[[File:Jobsistrollin.jpg|thumb|Utterly blatant]]

The latest way Apple, AT&T, and Verizon have combined forces to [[rape|rape you]] is to provide you with a ''Data Plan'', forcing you to pay $14.99/month for 250 MB and [[Bullshit|$29.99/month for 2GB]] [[Al Gore|tubes]] privileges, should you not be part of the 21st century or own a WiFi router. Essentially, you'll be using AT&T's or Verizon's [[Crap|3G]] network without the ability to make phone calls.

== Public Response ==

[[File:IPadvsStone.png|thumb|But can you get the stone in a staggering ''three'' varieties?]]

What was supposed to be a joyful day of [[fag|circle jerking]] ending prematurely, as the [[Macfags|Apple Fanboys]] did not like the iPad. It may have been because they realized their assholes were not big enough to have an iPad shoved up them or they realized that they don't have a [[vagina]].

[[File:Aapl1crash.jpg|centre|frame|Upon hearing the news of Apple's new extra large iPhone, Apple shareholders collectively shit themselves.]]

Despite this, Steve Jobs told everyone that on April 3, 2010, that if they didn't show up and received the rape the Macfags so eagerly were asking for, he would send an Apple Expert bottom bitch to their house to skullfuck them in the eye sockets until their ears ejaculated brains.

The Macfags understood that it was wrong to disobey the master pimp, and sure enough many of them camped out near their local Apple Store to pay the bottom bitch their money to give to the master pimp in exchange for their iPad.

== Things the iPad can't do ==
Much like Apple's other [[FAIL|failures]] (iPhone, iPod, iMac), the iPad has the following [[Is_not_a_bug,_it's_a_feature|features]].

* It can't be used to type documents because there it has no keyboard.
* It can't play 99% of internet videos or animated graphics because Apple still won't allow its mobile devices to use [[Flash]] ([http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2010/01/ipad-flash/ this, however, doesn't stop them from false advertising]).
* [[Vampire|It can't be used in any sunlight and the slightest bit that touches the screen will permanently ruin it]] (so much for being the "Kindle killer").
* It doesn't support SD expandable memory, so you're stuck with it's 16GB storage unless you want to [[rape|get reamed]] for an extra $100/200 for the 32 or 64GB models.
* It can't be used to plug in any of your USB devices like your USB vibrating dildo.
* [http://mashable.com/2010/03/21/ipad-picasa/ It won't support Picasa] and it probably won't support any other [[Google]] products because the Macfags are trying to start shit with Google.
* It can't right click.
* You can't change out the battery yourself. You have to pay Apple to do it for you.
* It can't touch water, milk, blood, sweet, tears, piss, shit, cum, or any cleaning product like alcohol, ammonia, or soap.
* It can't be [[Tethering|tethered]] to your iPhone without shelling out a huge extra monthly fee to either Verizon or AT&T
* It won't [[butthurt|alleviate that PWNed feeling]] you'll have when its replacement comes out in four months, or when a better Droid clone comes out in six, or when you realize that most laptops do more for less money right now.
* It won't let you [[socialism|share content]].
* It won't stop AT&T and Verizon from raping you each month.
* It won't pay for the coffee at Starbucks you'll buy attempting to avoid AT&T or Verizon rape by using their free WiFi.
* It doesn't support voice recording.
* It won't cure [[Steve Jobs]]' [[AIDS]].

== Who will actually buy/use this crap ==

[[File:GhettoblasteriPad.jpg|thumb|A nigger using the iPad]]
* [[Macfags]]
* [[Steve Jobs]]
* [[President Obama]]
* [[W|Former President George W. Bush]]
* Everyone who works at a Technology magazine (though not by their own volition; it's just part of their [[job]])
* [[Your Mom]]
* [[Black People]]
* [[Jews]] except for [[Cory Doctorow]][http://www.boingboing.net/2010/04/02/why-i-wont-buy-an-ipad-and-think-you-shouldnt-either.html] and anyone in Israel.
* [[Hitler]]
* [[Stephen Colbert]][http://mashable.com/2010/01/31/stephen-colbert-ipad/][http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/268823/april-01-2010/stephen-gets-a-free-ipad]
* [[Alex Jones]]
* [[Chris-chan]]

== Who would recommend this crap? ==

* [[Prostitute|Tech reviewers]] employed by desperate [[old media]] venues who have a vested interest in its success because they have an agreement with Apple to flog "special editions".[http://www.marketwatch.com/story/old-media-expects-too-much-from-the-ipad-2010-04-02]

== Buy an iPad, Lose a finger ==

In April 2010, shortly after the release of the original iPad, a Colorado resident named Bill Jordan had his newly purchased iPad stolen by some [[Nigger|nigger]], and lost his pinky finger in the process. Apparently Mr. Jordan had just exited the Apple Store, iPad in bag and bag in hand, when a nigger attacked him, grabbed the bag (which was wrapped around Mr. Jordan's finger), and ended up pulling off the victim's finger [http://www.kdvr.com/news/kdvr-ipad-robbery-finger-041910,0,2809971.story].

==[[Goatse Security]] Breach==
{{weev}}
On June 9, 2010, [[AT&T]] admitted to a Gawker report that {{archive|Lu8iJ|they accidentally 114,000 iPads}} including some owned by some major dignitaries and A-List people when a group called [http://security.goatse.fr/ Goaste Security] gained access to their email accounts.  {{archive|9KbjS|AT&T tried to downplay the severity}} of [[Jews|the problem]].

== What to do if you have an iPad ==

* Show it off.
* Post it on 4chan and troll /[[g]]/
* Take out a mortgage to purchase text-RPG and fart apps, because that's what comes out first.
* [[scat porn|Smudge]] the screen up with your greasy [[cum]] fingers.
* Be unable to enjoy gay hardcore [[CP]] because it doesn't have Flash.
* Cry yourself to sleep in Apple Debt.
* Get it stolen by a nigger and become [[an hero]] to impress your [[G|iFriends]].
* Take it to Israel and have it confiscated.
* Break it and buy another, you fucktard.
* [[Kill yourself]]...[[DO IT|seriously]].

== Memory Alpha drama ==

[[File:Ipad wesley.jpg|thumb|The image that caused most of the Memory Alpha sysops to [[an hero]] over their fantasy being destroyed.]]
Ever since the [[iPhone]] came out in 2007, people would occasionally go to the Memory Alpha ([[Star Trek]]) wiki and mention that the "PADD" fictional device from Star Trek is similar to an iPhone.  For unknown reasons, this shattered the fantasy lives of the [[basement dwellers]] who ran the site.  Unable to cope with this reality, they reverted all mention of it on site.  After [http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Number_1_top_most_abusive_admin_filled_wiki_ever a digg article appeared], it led them to simply permanently remove any contributions related to it, falsely labeling them all as vandalism. [http://memory-alpha.org/en/index.php?title=Special:Log&page=Talk%3APADD Here is a link to the talk page logs alone, with them all deleted.]  This led to [http://memory-alpha.org/en/wiki/Special:Contributions/Cid_Highw%D1%96nd real vandalism] from [[Digg]] users.  Three years later, in 2010, when the iPad was released, many of these admins [[an hero|committed suicide]], so no one remained alive to censor the article and mention crept in.

== Apple pays $220, [[You]] pay $500 ==

The materials to create the iPad will only cost $220 [http://www.macnn.com/articles/10/02/10/3g.models.likely.to.feed.more.profit/], giving the iPad a profit margin of over 50%. Although $500 is in fact more than 100% greater than $220, you the consumer will still get butt hurt. However like mobile phones and other gadgets 99.99999% of the cost of the product is paying for endorsements.  This fits well with their motto, "Think Different," as the industry standard for profit margins after material prices is 15-20%.

[[Some argue|Analysts suggest]] that this will leave room for price reductions, which Apple will no doubt do six months after the iPad's release with the iPad Mini, a version of the iPad with half the features costing Apple $80 per iPad that they will sell for the more affordable price of $399! Oh, and did you know it overheats like a bitch, leaving you with no other choice but to [[Jew|buy another iPad with no compensation?]]

==iPad 2==

On March 2nd, 2011, less than a year after the release of the original iPad, [[Steve Jobs]] announced the iPad 2, thereby prompting Macfags to throw out their old, obsolete first generation iPads and shell out another $500 dollars for the [[Lies|new and improved]] model.

==iPad 2's New Features==

* [[Shit nobody cares about|The iPad 2 is 15% lighter and 33% thinner than the original iPad]]
* Unlike the original iPad, the iPad 2 has the addition of two cameras, one in the front and one in the rear, allowing you to take grainy, terrible-quality photos and videos without having to whip out your phone. The cameras can also be used for [[Bukkake|FaceTime]], which is Apple's shitty, WiFi-bound version of [[Skype]].
* The iPad 2 has a dual-core Apple A5 processor that [[Some say|Apple says]] is twice as fast and processes graphics [[Over 9000|over 9 times]] as fast as that of the original iPad.

==iPad Accessories==
{{cg|||center|<gallery perrow="5">
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_Accessories_-_01.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_Accessories_-_02.jpg|Maxi Pad iPad Case
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_Accessories_-_03.jpg|Etch-a-Sketch iPad Cover
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_Accessories_-_04.jpg|The ultimate [[hipster]] accessory.
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_Accessories_-_05.jpg|&#42;Patent Pending
</gallery>}}<br>

==Gallery==
{{cg||iCrap|center|<gallery perrow="5">
File:IPad.jpg|"The Lord Jehovah has blessed me with this tablet and the one commandment: BUY MY SHIT!"
File:Day 3 at best buy.jpg
File:Newton.jpg|A prototype iPad: It's all been done before.
File:Fuj ipad.jpg|The real IPAD was released in 2002.
File:MaxIpad.jpg|The Winner
</gallery>|<gallery perrow="5">
File:IFag.jpg|[[sage]]
File:IPad Use.jpg|The ipad so much [[lie|better]] than an actual computer.
File:HUMAN CENTiPAD.jpg|The best IPad shits in [[South Park|Kyle's]] mouth.
File:Kitten hates iPad.gif|Even [[cats]] hate it
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_01.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_02.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_03.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_04.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_05.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_06.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_07.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_08.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_09.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_10.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_11.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_12.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_13.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_14.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_15.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_16.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_17.jpg
File:Apple_-_iPad_-_18.jpg
File:File:Ipad explosion.jpg
</gallery>}}<br>

== See also ==
* [[Apple]]
* [[Steve Jobs]]
* [[AT&T]]
* [[Verizon]]
* [[iPhone]]
* [[iPod]]
* [[Mac OS]]
* [[Macfags]]
* [[MacRumors]]
* [[Fail]]

==External links==
*[http://www.geekologie.com/2010/03/it_was_only_a_matter_of_time_i.php iPad official case for sale] and guess what it looks like.


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[[Category:2010]]
[[Category:IRL Shit]]