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If you however are super impatient, email Tabs directly at [email protected] with your preferred username and associated email address AND ONLY TO REGISTER.Robert Stewart
—Gerry Tierney, Stewart's lawyer |
Robert Stewart, 51, from Ayr, Scotland, made lulzy headlines in 2007 when he was arrested, charged and convicted of having sex with his bicycle. While staying in a hostel he was discovered by cleaners in his room naked from the waist down 'moving his hips back and forth'. His reaction to being found was apparently to smile at the cleaners and ask '"What is it, hen?" and keep right on riding his bike.
Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the manager who called the police.
Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."
Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink. Obviously this is possible as a bike looks just like a woman. Feels just as oily and metallic too.
In a lulzy move, Stewart was convicted and placed on the sex offenders’ register because bike rape is apparently as bad as normal rape.
—Gerry Tierney, Stewart's lawyer |
Afterwards, human rights lawyers decided the case was srs business enough to lament the fact that a man can't even make sweet love to his bike in the privacy of his rented room anymore. Everyone else thought the case was hilarious and slightly disturbing.