Purevolume

Purevolume in its internets emo glory.

Purevolume is a website created to host MP3 files for local bands.

In 2004, a group of internet programmers with a hatred of music began trying to destroy it. Capitalizing on CNet's purchase and dismantling of MP3.Com, Purevolume was created to cause this destruction by showcasing emo music made by talentless high schoolers.

Recording for Purevolume

Unlike other music sites which prefer quality music, Purevolume has a very specific recording method in mind. You will need the following equipment:

• Tape recorder with a built in microphone
• Cheap practice instruments and amplifiers
• One microphone hooked into a borrowed stereo system
• Seven minutes of practice per song
• Stupid name.

Place the tape recorder on a flat, hard object which will cause it to bounce and resonate. Turn the microphone and all of your practice equipment up to 10. Press record. Practice.

Next, hit rewind and pop the tab in the tape. You did a great job during your practice run! Connect the tape player's headphone jack into your computer's microphone jack. Really, it's good for computers. Record using Audacity, convert it directly to mp3 without any mastering, and upload your new masterpiece to Purevolume.

That's all there is!

Picking Your Purevolume Name

Despite claiming to be an emotionally-charged band, you should have a name which more closely resembles the mindset of a soulless psychopath. "Knife the Puppets" and "Cold at Heart" are two perfect examples. Three words are preferable because all of those shit bands took all the cool one and two word names at least 100 years ago.

Promoting Your Band

Spam as many message boards as possible under the guise of being the singer's girlfriend, classmate, or best friend. Be sure to create your own Wikipedia article while you are at it -- the world wants to know about your band, really.

Songwriting

Songwriting is based on a scoring system at Purevolume. Whoever wins gets "most emo" bragging rights at his local Hot Topic.

I, me

• Earn one point for the first use of "I" or "me" in the song, add 2 more for the second use, add 3 more points for third use, and so forth. The more you speak about yourself, the higher your cumulative score.

Verbs

• Common verbs such as "hurt," "cheat," and "cry" are worth one point each.
• Less common verbs or compound verbs such as "dismantle" and "pain-sobbing" are worth three points each.
• Archiac verbs or advanced compound verbs such as "contuse" or "laceration-indignify" are worth five points each.

Adjectives

• Earn one point for every self-loathing insult. "I am teh suck," "No one loves me", "poofy haired freak"
• Earn five points for adjectives which make no sense. "gashed-infestinal."
• Lose fifty points for any adjective which conveys or may potentially convey any positive qualities, unless singing the praises of angst and ennui through irony.

Recording Quality

• One point for a well-mixed and mastered song.
• Ten points for a song a that was recorded on a portable mixer and poorly transferred to mp3.
• Twenty-five points for a song that was recorded on a cheap tape recorder.
• One thousand points for a song that was recorded on a cheap tape recorder with every instrument out of tune and the singer's out-of-key performance wailing straight into the built-in microphone.

Links

The best and brightest emo bands at Purevolume:

• Knife the Puppets
• This Came From High School
• Farewell To Friends
• Orange Eats You!

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