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Flame Warriors
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Acne.jpg | |
AcneAcne constantly whines about how, like, life, the universe and everything really sucks and stuff. Usually a middle class teenager with an allowance, unlimited access to a computer and WAY too much time on his hands. Acne’s vague existential arguments about the meaningless of life and emptiness of existence are culled from the lyrics of the 20 gigs of MP3s he has squirreled away on his hard drive. It's useless to talk to Acne because there’s no point, is there? |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Admin.jpg | |
AdminAdmin is the janitor, the cop, the mayor, the judge and sometimes even the forum doctor who tends to Warriors injured in battle – in other words, Nanny on steroids. Because he runs the forum and sets the rules Admin has the power to pull the plug on any Warrior who gets a little too frisky. Sometimes his efforts are appreciated, but like any authority figure he is also resented – especially by Jerk, Evil Clown, L'Enfant Provocateur, Ego Rebel Without A Clue, Yuk Yuk, Troller, and other Warriors who would like to turn the forum into their personal playground. Most Admins are generally fair and even handed, but the adage that absolute power corrupts absolutely is as true on the internet as it is anywhere else, and it is a rare Admin who can resist bringing the hammer down if seriously pressed by a determined foe. Sycophant and other suckups will also attach themselves to a strong Admin to form a defensive perimeter around him, and more often than not Admin’s enemies will be driven off without him ever having to brandish his axe.
CAUTION: Admin is the most powerful of all Warriors and drawing him into direct battle invites almost certain defeat. Rebel Leaderdoes pose a limited threat to Admin’s power by fomenting a revolt and causing forum members to jump ship. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - ALLCAPS.jpg | |
ALLCAPSALLCAPS attempts to compensate for his limited rhetorical weaponry through the extravagant use of capitalized words – something netizens refer to as SHOUTING. Sure, a sprinkling of capitalized words can add spice to an attack, but overuse is like too much tarragon in the stew. Even worse from a tactical point of view, too much shouting alerts other Warriors to the opponent’s verbal WEAKNESS and emotional EXCITABILITY. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Android.jpg | |
AndroidAndroid doesn’t anger, nor does he engage in actual combat, rather he will merely point out the logical inconsistencies of other Warriors. Irony and sarcasm are completely lost on Android, and being impossible to insult or injure in any way, he is invulnerable to conventional attack. If, for example, someone were to call him a pinhead, he would get out a tape measure and after finding that his cranium falls within normal size specifications Android would dismiss the comment as erroneous. Android’s circuits are not equipped to process ambiguous or aesthetic input, consequently any extensive discussion involving personal feelings, intuition, art and metaphorical allusions will quickly drive Android from the field of battle. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Archivist.jpg | |
ArchivistArchivist saves and squirrels away each and every discussion forum message. Do you remember having a bad day back in 1996 when in one of your messages you may have said a few things that were…well, perhaps a little…hasty? Don’t worry, Archivist still has it and will post it to the forum if you begin to get the upper hand in battle. Archivist can be a very effective and fearsome Warrior. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Artiste.jpg | |
ArtisteArtiste has an unshakeable faith in his own artistic gifts, and is very pleased to share them with everyone else. Frequently his own insipid poetry will appear in his email signature, and at other times, and to no apparent purpose, he will be overcome with the urge to post a poem in the midst of battle. Artiste, in his need to demonstrate his aesthetic sensitivity and cultural sophistication, will reference obscure artists to drive his point home. He assumes that the mere mention of, say, Pollaiuolo (Italian,1431 –1498), will confirm the breadth of knowledge and thereby cow his opponent in battle. Actually, he is universally regarded as a pretentious blockhead.
CAUTION: Artiste often has serious mental problems and, though easily defeated in battle, may be unpredictable in defeat as well as in victory. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Atheist.jpg | |
AtheistAtheist is Deacon's cyber-doppelganger. Deacon and Atheist hold equally fervent, though diametrically opposed beliefs about religion, and both feel compelled to share those beliefs at every possible opportunity. Should an unsuspecting forum member make even a passing comment about faith or spirituality of any flavor, Atheist will descend like one of the Furies, mercilessly hectoring all of the ignorant and delusional believers about the sordid history of the church and the pernicious effects of religion on society. After a few of Atheist’s anti-religious jeremiads most other Warriors will avoid the subject altogether, though Evil Clown may egg him on a little, and Philosopher may amuse himself by pointing out flaws in his reasoning. If a forum has the misfortune of having both Deacon and Atheist as members, the bickering often continues until Nanny or Admin pulls the plug. Bliss Ninny can also sometimes squelch the conversation by saying, “Well, everyone has a right to their [sic] opinion.” |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Big Cat.jpg | |
Big CatBig Cat would rather not fight…he enjoys peacefully observing forum conversations and laconically participates when the moods strikes. He playfully chases interesting threads, and from time to time uses a Newbie or Propeller Head as a convenient scratching post. He enjoys being stroked or petted, and tends to purr loudly.
CAUTION: Don’t be fooled by his fuzzy, playful exterior. When provoked, Big Cat reacts with lightning speed and almost always lands on his feet after an attack. Big Cat often indulges himself by toying with his victim before delivering his lethal blows. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Big Dog.jpg | |
Big Dog And Me-TooBig Dog is a bully who doesn’t hesitate to use his superior strength to intimidate other combatants. Big Dog may be smart, articulate or just plain mean, but in any case he is a remorseless fighter, brutally ripping into even the weakest of combatants. Once Big Dog securely fastens his powerful jaws on a hapless victim, Me-Too will join the attack. Me-Too is far too weak and insecure to engage in single combat, and must ally himself with Big Dog or a pack of other Warriors to bring down his quarry. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Bliss Ninny.jpg | |
Bliss NinnyBliss Ninny doesn’t understand why people just can’t get along. While it is entirely unintentional, Bliss Ninny’s utterly vacuous comments can drive the more pugnacious Warriors into a frenzy of aggression. Often in the heat of battle Bliss Ninny will discuss her cat. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Blowhard.jpg | |
BlowhardBlowhard feels the need to present his credentials before entering the fray – even if they are irrelevant to the discussion. For example, in a movie forum conflict he might attempt to settle the matter by saying, “As a Ph. D. candidate in particle physics I believe I can say with some authority that the ‘Beavis and Butthead’ movie represents the emergence of a new cultural paradigm.” Huh? |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Bong.jpg | |
BongDoes the writer seems to babble on and on? Does he lurch from one non sequitur to another? Are you baffled by his obscure metaphors? Are there so many typos you think that maybe he was typing while wearing a catcher’s mit? Can he really MEAN what he just said? What in the hell is this guy talking about, anyway? Is this guy smoking something? Well, yes…in fact he is, and placidly tethered in high orbit Bong remains far beyond the reach of the even the most powerful Warriors’ weaponry. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Capitalista.jpg | |
CapitalistaCapitalista is not always a wealthy fat cat; being a Capitalista is a state of mind rather than a reflection of affluence. A strident and extraordinarily self–satisfied Warrior, Capitalista takes every opportunity to extol the superiority of the free enterprise system and has a powerful aversion to the welfare states of Europe. Capitalista fiercely defends the market economy, bludgeoning “fuzzy-minded socialists” with Adam Smith, Milton Friedman and Friedrich Hayek. Though rather limited in his range of interests, Capitalista’s command of carefully selected historical facts, abstruse statistical comparisons and arcane economic theory make him a formidable foe. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Centurion.jpg | |
CenturionCenturion tries to gain tactical advantage in battle by asserting that he is, or was at one time, in the military. He affects the brusque demeanor and clipped style of a drill sergeant, and intimidates opponents by sprinkling his messages with military verbiage and obscure acronyms. He reinforces weak arguments by constantly reminding other Warriors that he has “done his duty”, or “served his country”. Sometimes Centurion may even post pictures of military hardware or images of himself in fatigues brandishing a weapon. Centurion may actually have a military background, or he may just be a nut case – no one really knows. Centurion loathes and is loathed by Weenie, Artiste and Fragile Femme. His natural ally is Troglodyte. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Coffee Klatch.jpg | |
Coffee KlatchFor Coffee Klatch the discussion forum is a social gathering – like Mah Jong or the Wednesday morning canasta club. Coffee Klatch prefers a friendly, chatty environment and almost always limits her participation to non-technical forums. Whether inadvertently or by design, Coffee Klatch prepares the battlefield in her favor by making it soggy with pleasant, but vapid messages – her favorite phrase often being, “thanks for sharing”. This renders the battlefield rather slow going for many of the swifter and more powerful Warriors, and if war does break out she will shed her benign facade and strike mired Warriors with great ferocity. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Compost.jpg | |
CompostCompost has few weapons at his disposal and must resort to expletives and gross vulgarities to amplify his rhetorical thrusts. His tactical approach can occasionally rout Innocence Abused, but it is generally ineffective against other Warriors. Combatants know when he has spent the fury of his attack when he suggests that his opponent’s mother is a professional sexual services provider (although he will put it in different terms). Nanny has little stomach for Compost’s ordure and will quickly eject him from the forum. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Crybaby.jpg | |
CrybabyAlthough sometimes a male, Crybaby is usually a female, and often a close ally of Innocence Abused. When teased or attacked Crybaby will pitch a loud public temper tantrum, holding her breath and kicking her feet. If that defense fails she will run to Nanny for comfort. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Cyber Sisters.jpg | |
Cyber SistersCyber Sisters are an extremely fierce confederation of fighting females who act something like a shrill Greek chorus, echoing and amplifying one another’s voice until their foes retreat in disarray. They are generally leaderless, but anyone who challenges one Cyber Sister can expect to be savagely attacked by the others. Only the most powerful and battle-hardened of Warriors is strong enough to weather a Cyber Sisters attack. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Deacon.jpg | |
DeaconBe he a Baptist, Scientologist or Zoroastrian, in the heat of battle Deacon will call down divine retribution on all net sinners, and will never miss an opportunity to tell everyone about his personal savior. Deacon is fervent and earnest, but never has anything of interest or substance to contribute to a discussion. Occasionally Tireless Rebutter or Philosopher will engage Deacon in battle, but mostly he is ignored. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Diplomat.jpg | |
DiplomatDiplomat butts into hot disputes, presuming that the combatants will welcome and appreciate his even-handed and eminently reasonable mediation. Frankly, he gets what he deserves. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Duelists.jpg | |
DuelistsIn a perpetual closed-loop feud, the Duelists generally don’t menace anyone but each other, unless, of course, another Warrior foolishly attempts to mediate. Like the Hatfields and McCoys, they probably don’t even remember the source of their mutual animus, nonetheless they enthusiastically loathe one another and seize every opportunity to exchange vitriol. When the other Warriors eventually weary of their endless kvetching the Duelists will be shouted down or Nanny will ban them. Even after getting the heave-ho from one forum, however, it is not unusual for them to find each other in another discussion group and the fighting will begin anew. Hate is sometimes as mysterious as love… |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Eagle Scout.jpg | |
Eagle ScoutEagle Scout is a positive, constructive Warrior who endeavors to submit original articles which contain useful content and relevant information with supporting citations and links, thus initiating meaningful discussion threads. Eagle Scout regards the internet as an uplifting, egalitarian, worldwide arena for the exchange of ideas among intelligent, thinking individuals. He does not openly attack, but will (ever tactfully) chastise disruptive comments, gratuitous insults and cretinous insipidity. He is always kind and helpful to Newbie, and will shrug off even the most egregious insults. Eagle Scout is loathed with a poisonous intensity by Evil Clown, Jerk, L'Enfant Provocateur and Ego.
CAUTION: Sometimes Impostor, Evil Clown or Troller will masquerade as Eagle Scout. There have also been reports of Eagle Scout becoming Jekyll And Hyde. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Ego.jpg | |
EgoFor Ego, the discussion forum is all about him and his issues, and he regards discussions that stray from those topics as trivial dalliances. Although tolerant of an occasional shift in focus, Ego grows increasingly restive from extended inattention and will often provoke conflict to reestablish himself as the subject at hand. Ego dismisses with only a cursory reading any forum traffic that doesn’t relate directly to him, but replies at length to everything else. Ego is one the the fiercest of all the Warriors and will fight to the death when attacked. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Ennui.jpg | |
EnnuiEnnui only rouses himself from his torpor to cajole other Warriors to be more interesting – without, of course, ever contributing anything of interest himself. Ennui has limited weaponry at his disposal, but his majestic affectation of boredom provides an effective defense to attacks. When pressed in battle he will announce his intention of moving on to a more stimulating forum, but instead he will generally lurk quietly until the threat passes. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Ethnix.jpg | |
EthnixEthnix is an extremely powerful Warrior who effectively exploits his minority status and the general nervousness about race to gain advantage in battle. Ethnix deftly wields his ethnicity and can instantly shift from defense to offense, keeping even the most skillful Warriors off balance. Impostor, covetous of his power, often impersonates Ethnix, but he can seldom maintain the ruse. While all Warriors are wary of Ethnix, he is most feared by Weenie. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Evil Clown.jpg | |
Evil ClownEvil Clown is very quick with a joke, but his jests always have a barb. He has little patience for in-depth discussions and will often disrupt exchanges between serious forum participants by introducing irrelevant topics, fatuous quips, and offhand comments. His greatest thrill is to taunt and humiliate weaker or more plodding Warriors with his snappy ripostes. When a strong Warrior finally corners him Evil Clown will attempt to escape by accusing his attacker of having no sense of humor. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Ferrous Cranus.jpg | |
Ferrous CranusFerrous Cranus is utterly impervious to reason, persuasion and new ideas, and when engaged in battle he will not yield an inch in his position regardless of its hopelessness. Though his thrusts are decisively repulsed, his arguments crushed in every detail and his defenses demolished beyond repair he will remount the same attack again and again with only the slightest variation in tactics. Sometimes out of pure frustration Philosopher will try to explain to him the failed logistics of his situation, or Therapist will attempt to penetrate the psychological origins of his obduracy, but, ever unfathomable, Ferrous Cranus cannot be moved. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Filibuster.jpg | |
FilibusterFilibuster and his pet topic form an endless loop. If his first thrust doesn’t win the day, he will try to gain ground with a second, third, fourth … nth repetition. He may even make a good initial attack, but his monotonous hectoring and prodigious output rapidly clears the field of other Warriors. Filibuster eventually lands in everyone’s killfile. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Fragile Femme.jpg | |
Fragile FemmeFragile Femme is very needy and insecure and regards the discussion forum as her personal support group, and will lash out when her feelings are not “validated” by the others. Fragile Femme will often refer to the forum participants as her “family” and becomes distraught at disharmony of any kind. She regards even minor disagreements with her as devastating personal assaults and will often dissolve into hysteria when confronted. Her hyperactive sense of injury renders her fighting tactics fairly ineffective, but Innocence Abused, Cyber Sisters or Weenie will often spring to her defense. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Furious Typer.jpg | |
Furious TyperFurious Typer’s combat strategy is to drown her adversary with a tsunami of angry verbiage. She is absolutely immune to subtly and ignores all but the barest essentials of any argument. After briefly appraising the gist of her opponent’s counter attack she puts her head down and rapidly fires off long rambling messages replete with grammatical and factual errors. The typical Furious Typer lacks endurance, however, and if the other combatants can weather the initial assault she will quickly exhaust herself and retire from the field. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Garble.jpg | |
GarbleGarble is a mystery: Is he a foreigner with only tenuous grasp of English? Is his brain addled by some powerful drug? Does he suffer a serious mental debility? Is he typing wearing a catcher’s mit? Garble’s rampant typos, malapropisms and seemingly aggressive use of execrable grammar can’t be explained merely in terms of poor typing skills or the lack of a spell checker. Even non-English speakers generally do a better job of punctuation grammar and capitalization, and Garble is all the more puzzling because if one goes to the trouble of wading through the muddle of his messages a discernible idea will usually emerge. For example, in a forum discussion about a painting he might say, “Sorry the picchr the har is wrog. The culir. I liike the lips bot teh Paintng is sucs”. When attacked for his random capitalization Garble might respond, “oPS i HITTED THE CAPDLOCK”. Not surprisingly, he drives Grammarian and Nitpick absolutely nuts, but he is utterly impervious to any sort of correction and if their attacks persist he will sign off in a huff with something like, “yuor forum si stupef. bYE!”
CAUTION: Garble may be Net Rat. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - God.jpg | |
GodIn the beginning, before bandwidth, there was nothingness. Out of that endless void God and His heavenly host created…Arpanet, and it was good. But the scientific, military and computer angels Who dwelled in Arpanet were lonely, so They brought forth Browser, and the Web was born. It, too, was good and the children of the internet lived in peace and harmony and were fruitful and multiplied, but God warned His people not to eat of the forbidden fruit of commercialism. Alas, they disobeyed and soon barbarians drove the children of the internet out of Paradise. God, in His wrath, turned away from His people and condemned them to wander in the digital wilderness, but from time to time He will suddenly appear in mailing lists, chat rooms and discussion forums to remind us sinners that we could be saved if only we would hearken unto Him. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Godzilla.jpg | |
GodzillaIt was a peaceful and productive forum; lively, congenial and a bounteous source of useful information. Then one day, completely without warning, Godzilla arose from the depths and blew his scalding breath on everything in his path. A phalanx of Warriors mobilized to attack the monster, only to be crushed like so many toy tanks under Godzilla’s mighty feet. Godzilla soon reduced the forum to searing and consuming flames. Just as abruptly, he rumbled back beneath the waves, leaving all to tremble in fear of his return. Net life would never be the same. Sadly, many netizens who survive a Godzilla attack will become Xenophobes. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Grammarian.jpg | |
GrammarianGrammarian usually has little to contribute to a discussion and possesses few effective weapons. To compensate, he will point out minor errors in spelling and grammar. Because of Grammarian’s obvious weakness most Warriors ignore him. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Grenade.jpg | |
GrenadeGrenade isn’t actually a Warrior, per se, but he is an ordnance so widely employed by combatants that no Flame Warriors guide would be complete without mentioning him. When lobbed into a discussion forum Grenade instantly reduces any semblance of reasonable discourse to smoking rubble and sets in motion the forces of war. Grenade can be loaded with different explosives depending on the forum, but some common detonating materials are Clinton, gun control, homosexuality, Reagan, abortion, taxes, conspiracy theory, the NEA, welfare reform, etc. When beleaguered and facing certain defeat a Warrior can deflect even the most determined attack by triggering a diversionary explosion. Grenade is a particularly destructive weapon when wielded by Evil Clown, Issues, Troglodyte and even Weenie, but almost any Warrior can use it to gain a temporary strategic advantage. Grenade is the preferred weapon of Troller and L'Enfant Provocateur. Eagle Scout has been known to throw himself upon Grenade to save the forum. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Grunter.jpg | |
GrunterGrunter always reponds to discussion forum messages with a single word or a short phrase, and he NEVER edits quoted material. Profundus Maximus, Philosopher, Tireless Rebutter, and other verbose Warriors find Grunter a particularly exasperating opponent because he will answer their lengthy pontifications with a simple “Yeah!”. “Get a life.”, “Whatever”, “I agree.” “Wrong.”, etc. While Grunter is not a strong Warrior, he is very elusive and difficult to engage in direct battle, and only by his extended silence is there any indication that he has been vanquished. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Howlers.jpg | |
HowlersHowlers generally populate academic, technical or special interest forums in which particular issues are discussed. Newbies to such forums often wander in thinking they have found some devastating new argument that contradicts accepted wisdom on the forum topic. Of course, if the forum is a long-standing and active discussion group it will probably have heard and debated the argument at length, so instead of reviving a dead topic Howlers will simply shout and throw excrement until the intruder leaves. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Ideologue.jpg | |
IdeologueThere are two distinct varieties of Ideologue, conservative and liberal, but each being smug and self satisfied in his certitudes, they are really flip sides of the same coin. Though Ideologue’s “opinions” merely represent a loose collection of intellectual conceits he is nonetheless astonished, bewildered and angered when his views are not immediately embraced as Truth. He regards honest disagreement as a form of cognitive dissonance that can only be cured by relentless propagandizing. The conservative iteration of Ideologue parades himself as a logical, clear thinker, while the liberal version trumpets his higher level of mental, spiritual and social awareness. Troglodyte is the natural ally of conservative Ideologue, and for liberal Ideologue it is Weenie. Whether conservative or liberal, Ideologue is a fierce, but very predictable Warrior. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Impostor.jpg | |
ImpostorImpostor is a digital Proteus who changes his persona whenever it suits his purposes. That 21 year old co-ed from Arizona State you met in a discussion forum may, in fact, be a retired steel worker from Pittsburgh. Impostor will claim to be black, white, rich, poor, young, old, straight or gay, and if he’s good he can pull it off – at least for a while. Of course, there are sinister, even criminal reasons Impostor would lie about who he is, but more often he fakes it to lend weight to his arguments, or simply to amuse himself. Impostor’s requisite imagination and good writing skills can make him a formidable enemy, but even the best of this Warrior class will eventually blunder and reveal their true identity. Once uncovered, Impostor will always flee, but he may return in another form – you just never know… |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Issues.jpg | |
IssuesIssues has an issue and she wants it to be everyone’s issue. The discussion could be about fondue pots and Issue would rage about the multinational corporate conspiracy to exploit fondue pot workers. Of course, Issues is found among all ideological persuasions – anti-gun mothers, gun totin’ mothers, bloodthirsty feminists, troglodyte misogynists, politically correct, politically incorrect, lefties, righties, vegetarians, carnivores, radical Rotarians – it doesn’t matter.
HINT: An effective tactic to employ against Issues is indifference. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Jekyll And Hyde.jpg | |
Jekyll And HydeAs a forum participant Jekyll and Hyde always plays by the rules and is consistently cordial and helpful – a model netizen, until one day he comes completely uncorked and lashes out without warning. His unanticipated thunderbolts can temporarily rout even the sturdiest Warriors, and it often takes some time for his stunned opponents to mount a counter attack. Jekyll and Hyde’s sudden behavioral change may result from a psychotic episode, PMS, a downturn in the market, a surprise visit by the in-laws – or a session of hard drinking. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Jerk.jpg | |
JerkJerk is sarcastic, mean, unforgiving and never misses an opportunity to make a cutting remark. Jerk’s repulsive personality quickly alienates other Warriors, and after some initial skirmishing he is usually ostracized. Still, Jerk is very happy to participate in electronic forums because in cyberspace he is free to be himself... without the risk of getting a real-time punch in the mouth. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Klaxon.jpg | |
KlaxonWARNING!!! YOU MUST READ THIS!!! Klaxon, the Internet Chicken Little, raises the alarm for each and every paranoid conspiracy theory, Federal Big-Brother scheme, Internet hoax and latest computer virus. No black helicopter alert is so ludicrous, no urban legend so implausible, that he will not pass it along as accepted fact (in ALL CAPS with multiple exclamation marks). Congratulations, you are recipient 16,747 of today’s Urban Myth.
CAUTION: Often Klaxon knowingly posts false alarms to foment mischief. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Kung-Fu Master.jpg | |
Kung-Fu MasterThough Kung-Fu Masters are powerful Warriors, they generally choose not to fight. Many lesser Warriors delude themselves into thinking that they are masters of war, but few are the genuine article. The true Kung-Fu master fully appreciates his own superiority and is therefore unruffled by petty provocations. When forced to fight, however, he quickly crushes his opponent with devastating blows. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Lamer.jpg | |
LamerLamer is a Warrior who appears in different guises to different people, and is therefore difficult to describe in full detail. Nonetheless, he is readily identifiable because of his mediocre wit, utter lack of insight and vacuous comments. You begin to sense Lamer’s presence when you are able to anticipate the content of his messages even before reading them. Lamer actively participates in forum discourse and readily jumps into battle, but his ineffectuality renders him relatively harmless when encountered in single combat.
CAUTION: Lamer’s crushing dullness can enervate even the most robust Warrior, and while it is usually possible to overcome the presence of a few Lamers, enough of them banded together the can numb the liveliest forum into extinction. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Lonely Guy.jpg | |
Lonely GuyLonely Guy doesn’t get out much, and often his social isolation can drive him to do battle just for the human contact. Compassion dictates that we shouldn’t get too upset with his antics. Nonetheless, Lonely Guy can be very fierce. Remember, he has nothing better to do than stew over real or imagined insults.
CAUTION: If Lonely Guy is also a Propeller Head he may retaliate with e-mail bombing, anonymous spamming, electronic stalking and other techie mischief. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Loopy.jpg | |
LoopyDon’t try to understand Loopy’s messages – they will forever remain opaque to all but himself. Loopy is easily aroused and exuberant in battle and fearlessly flings himself at any Warrior – even Kung-Fu Master. Loopy’s main weapons consist of a disarming array of nonsequiturs, tautologies, and bizarre metaphors, which can often gain him an advantage in the initial stages of an attack. Combatants very quickly realize, however, that Loopy is a certifiable nut case and generally avoid further engagement, although Jerk and Evil Clown sometimes egg Loopy on for their own amusement.
CAUTION: Loopy cannot be defeated with conventional weapons. Any response to his attacks will often provoke a fusillade of incoherent messages.
HINT: If ignored, Loopy will continue to clatter and foam until Nanny removes him from the discussion forum. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Lurker.jpg | |
LurkerLurker does not participate in normal forum discourse, but he’s out there... watching, reading every message. Generally, he is quite harmless. In fact, his silence usually reflects a natural reticence rather than any sinister motives. He is content to let the other people haul the conversational freight and, if a fight breaks out he will observe quietly. Occasionally, however, some mysterious impulse drives him to de-lurk and attack. Other Warriors regard his unexpected assault as an ambush and invariably turn on him savagely. But Lurker seldom sticks around to fight it out, rather, after a brief exchange, he slips away, never to be heard from again. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Nanny.jpg | |
NannyNanny tirelessly monitors forum discussions and makes it his mission to see to it that everyone behaves. While he is quick to admonish for off-topic messages and petty squabbling, he is generally rather slow to anger. Nanny rarely wades into pitched battles, rather he simply pulls the plug on combatants. Often Nanny becomes the unwitting ally to the intrigues of Rat and Crybaby. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Necromancer.png | |
NecromancerNecromancer has a supernatural ability to bring long-dead forum discussion threads back to life. After having been flogged to death the thread may have been deceased for many years, and bringing it back may have scant relevance to the current topic, yet Necromancer will unexpectedly exhume the thread’s rotting corpse, and strike horror in the forum as its grotesque form lurches into the discussion. The monster, instantly recognized by all who knew it in life, seems at first to breathe and have a pulse, but, alas, it is beyond Necromancer’s skill to fully restore the thread’s original vitality. The hideous apparition may frighten away some of the weaker Warriors or Warriors badly wounded in former battles, but the thread is only a shadow of its former self and very quickly expires.
Unlike Archivist, Necromancer compulsively saves every forum message in carefully preserved archives for future use in battle, while Necromancer collects departed threads merely for the thrill of resurrecting them. Some say he performs this unnatural act out of malice, others say he can’t help himself, but no one really knows. |
| File:Mike Reed Flame Warriors - Net Rat.jpg | |
Net RatNot every kid on the internet is an Enfant Provocateur; sometimes they’re just Net Rat. Net Rat spends countless hours in front of the computer and loves to play at being a grownup. Imagine your chagrin if in a love and romance forum you’ve been pouring out your anguish over a recent messy breakup with your boyfriend, or you have finally mustered the courage to talk about some particularly lurid desires that have been throbbing in your libido, or perhaps you thought you found a romantic soulmate on the internet only to discover that your hot cyber lover turns out to be in junior high. Even worse, in a serious discussion forum you may think you have successfully faked a convincing understanding of Spinoza and later discover that the only person you have really managed to fool is still reading Harry Potter. Well, don’t feel too bad about it – some Net Rats can very convincing, but they will almost always slip and give themselves away at some point.
WARNING: Perv will sometimes pretend to be Net Rat. |
See Also
| Mike Reed's Flame Warriors is part of a series on Language & Communication
|
Languages and Dialects • Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling, Style, and Usage • Rhetorical Strategies • Poetry •
The Politics of Language and Communication • Media • Visual Rhetoric
Click topics to expand
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