Eric the Midget
Eric the Midget (real name Eric Lynch, aka Eric the Astronaut, Eric the Shitty-Penis, and Eric the Gay Actor) is a failed abortion and frequent caller to The Howard Stern Show.
Though he was born sometime last Thursday, he has outlived every prediction of lifespan by nearly threefold. Until 2014.
Physiology
A physiological profile of Eric the Shitcock:
Appearance
- Lynch is less than two feet tall, and may or may not have legs. Either way, the little fucker can't walk without the use of cybernetic prostheses. Because these don't FUCKING EXIST, Lynch is relegated to a chair strapped to a banana board.
- According to Jimmy Kimmel, Lynch's hands are creepy, srsly: "it was like shaking hands with a rotten plum."
- ETM's eyes are reminiscent of Happy Negro at a watermelon buffet, possibly due to the excessive speed at which he travels...sans legs.
- His skin appears blotchy, and covered in blemish, and he dyes his hair an inhuman shade of copper.
- Lynch wears glasses, because he is a perennial dork, whether the frames can withstand his mighty eye-bulge is unknown.
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Eric, live from Chuck E. Cheese -
Absolutely disgusting -
See the resemblance?
The Power Chair
Eric the Midget is approximately 21 inches tall when not perched upon his power chair. Though it is unclear whether this chair is an actual source for Lynch's evil powers, he clearly derives mobility from this modern-day siege perilous, which allows him to cover level terrain at over 9000 miles per hour.
You Know what they say about Short Guys
On May 17th, 2006 Eric the Midget (ETM) was set to teh task of measuring his hog. He reported it was somewhere between 6 and 8 inches, but later confirmed that he was only five, which by midget standards makes him comparable to Mandingo and various other negroids.
Reproductive Capability
ETM is a self-admitted virgin, and has only ever got to first base with his fake camwhore girlfriend. On the same date that he measured his wang, the virgin who could kick the bucket at any moment decided it would be prudent to deny a sexual encounter with pr0n actress and noted attention whore Tabitha Stevens.
He now openly admits to having spastic midget secks with his bedding, and cumming in his "PJ Pants," though not washing after.
Fortunately for his roommate, Eric doesn't do his own laundry which effectively leaves the patsy (named Jon) pwned.
Sometime last Thursday Eric visited the bunny ranch and lost his virginity to a partially decomposed whore named Airforce Amy.
Speech
ETM has a tiny body, so TINY FUCKING LUNGS, HELLO?! This inhibits his ability to speak without adding 1-2 extraneous syllables to any given word (e.g. "good morning" becomes "goo-ood mo-r-orning").
As a result of his errant and troubling speech, his vocal stylings are nearly indiscernible from the Martians featured in "Mars Attacks."
Fucked Up Foot
On March 2, 2009, Eric the Midget revealed on the Howard Stern show that he is club-footed. "I'm club fucking footed you asswipe."
Psychological Profile
Eric the Astronaut lacks any reasonable grasp on reality, causing him to believe a shit ton of nonsense which no rational person would.
Idol Expert
Eric is a self-proclaimed expert on American Idol. Not only does he consistently fail at live commentary via Stickam, he also perennially falls in love with a random, and not necessarily attractive contestant (see also Diana Degarmo. When you fail at being a spectator of an abortion of a pop culture phenomenon, you are the incarnate of fail.
Love Interests
Diana DeGarmoo
ETM met her briefly at a meet & greet event, and then got her phone number from Howard Stern. After repeatedly calling her mother, he failed yet again at coordinating any semblance of a plan to, get this: INTRODUCE HIS PARENTS TO HERS!
The fail resonated through history itself when DeGarMom called the Howard100 news team to report that he was stalking their daughter.
Katherine McPhee
See above, but with an attractive bitch.
Kendra
The most recent of Eric's delusions of able-bodiedness: the whore from Kendra's Secret dot com. In a ruse crafted by Johnny Fratto, Kendra was selected to pretend to be ETM's girlfriend. She did it to get publicity, and Eric the Detective didn't think anything too suspicious about a video camera constantly rolling tape while he attempted to catch mono from a pastie-wearing "stripper."
A double-pwned backfire occurred when Eric got his first lapdance and decided he was going to "play the field."
Death
On September 2014, at around 3:00 PM, Eric, with several balloons affixed tightly to his power chair, floated off into eternity. Around the world, millions stopped to remember their favorite Shitcock, yet they all realized that nothing of value was lost.
Trolling
Even though ETM has been trolled by God since birth, some people still wanna troll him. Here are some strategies that have worked for others:
- The Gub'ment Eric the stupid Midget is trolled by congress each and every day that the USA doesn't allow Stem Cell research
- Howard Stern who has on numerous occasions tried to get Eric to fly by strapping balloons to teh Chair of Power;
- Scientologists who believe Eric looks like a body thetan
- Johnny Fratto Social Club where people harass him by asking legitimate, and often mundane questions on his American Idol cam show; he always b&'s them forever (until the next day)
- Diana DeGarmoo by denying him a date and looking like a troll herself.
Videos
Previous Video | Next Video |
—Eric the Shitcock | ||
Gallery
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Eric in Vegas -
Eric arrives in style -
Eric with Mere Mortals -
Eric has Glasses -
Eric be Lovin' Barry Bonds -
Eric thinks you should start the reactor. -
Eric, the circus sideshow -
Eric moves on to his next stalking victim
