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I was just walking down the street on my way to close a major business deal when I saw a bakery with a line of young women out the door. Naturally, I was a little curious, so I stepped inside and cut the line to see what the fuss was all about. Turns out, these birds had lined up by the dozens for these special edition Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce cookies. I was infuriated. I clenched my fist and demanded to speak to the manager. Moments later, a decent-looking blonde named Kellie emerged and identified herself as the manager. “Hello, sir,” she said cheerfully. “How can I help you toda—” I unleashed hell on Kellie before she could even finish her sentence. “Do you have any idea what you’re doing to these impressionable young women? Taylor Swift is a woke Jezebel milking a man suffering the effects of repeated blows to the head for his money,” I shouted. “She’s doing everything she can to keep President Trump out of the White House. She is REPULSIVE, and so are you from profiting off her!” Kellie was gobsmacked. She profusely apologized after she composed herself. By now, the women in line began to nod their heads in agreement. I pointed at the remaining two cookies and snapped my fingers as I threw my credit card down on the counter. After Kellie handed me my receipt, I turned to the rest of the bakery. “Ladies, time to clear out,” I shouted. “The Taylor Swift cookies are gone, and they won’t be coming back anytime soon.” As the crowd dispersed, I turned to Kellie and gave her some words of encouragement. “Look, Kells, I want you to know that I forgive you,” I said, leaning in. “You accepted my correction and apologized. You have a clean slate in the book of Nick Adams.” She thanked me for everything and handed me my bag. I’ll be making sure no young women ever have the chance to be corrupted by these nasty cookies again. |
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—Nick Adams, Alpha Male | ||
