Earth First

Full of batshit insane morons and hippies, Earth First (or Earth First! if you're faaaaabulous!) is perhaps the worst eco-terrorist group out there. But this isn't "worst" in the sense of killing people like the Animal Liberation Front or just being ungodly annoying and animal-humping like PETA. No, this "worst" refers to the fact that they even fail in the eyes of other eco-terrorists. Like the very first boss in a Nintendo game, they are more concerned with having a title than actually doing anything. Press Z or R twice to quickly dodge a pointless argument, then go in for the kill with a lolbomb.

Srsly, if terrorism was made into a book written by Ernest Hemingway, these dendrophiliacs (that's "tree fucker" for niggers) would go out of their way to get the abridged version written by Eric Carl. It's that bad, I shit you not. Whats worse is they do not know how to debate to save their life, so any basic argument with them is pretty much guaranteed a win, if they don't edit your posts, that is.

History

Their exciting logo. Note the tools, one which is made from A FUCKING TREE.

The group was started in 1979 by a band of tree-huggers bent on claiming the world back to Mother Nature. At first, they thought it would be effective to make a plastic crack and plaster it on the side of a dam, instead of going for the obvious choice of blowing the tits off the dam in the first place. Other publicity stunts ensued, but the group decided it was time to escalate. They published an annual magazine called Earth First! The Radical Environmental Journal, which featured their plans to give the Earth back to the Earth itself.

Six years later, the group decided it was finally time for action — magazines about their plans of fail just weren't cutting it. So the group went out to the Willamette National Forest in Oregon to stop trees from being cut down. At first, they thought setting up road blockades would work, but this backfired, because the blockades were made from the very thing they were trying to protect: timber. Turning to the forest once more, the members decided tree-sitting could work and began holding the trees while singing songs, refusing to move. Naturally, this got the attention of the local log company, and less than 24 hours later, several group members were arrested while the rest fled the scene, and the forest was made into awesome houses the very next day.

Realizing their fail, Earth First moved back to spouting off comments to newspapers and congressmen about how they were butthurt over trees being mowed down. Most couldn't give a flying fuck about what they said, so the group went back to pretending to blow up dams, tree-sit, and basically be as annoying as possible. In 1990, Judi Bari, the leader of Earth First, was involved in a car bombing, which the FBI later determined it was of her own doing. Failing even in becoming an hero, the group pressed on, believing there was still hope. However, it should be noted that Bari was awarded 4.4 million much later due to a jury believing there wasn't enough evidence for her trial, but she was already pwned by cancer before she could really see the true green she was looking to save: MONEEEZZ.

So what has Earth First done since 1990? Too much to mention in one little ED article. Earth First spread to the United Kingdom in the 1990s and quickly adopted the policy of anarchy, because groups are much more effective when they are disorganized. Those who were butthurt over the fact that the group literally didn't do anything active at all broke off and became the Earth Liberation Front (ELF), an organization which believes blowing up buildings and killing people will save trees all around the world. Meanwhile, the ELF hosts exciting events such as annual social meetings, tree-sitting meets, standing in front of dams while crying, and holding tree funerals (see video). Aside from that, Earth First is pretty much a group full of old, fat hippies who are only good at one thing: bawwwwwing about the environment.

Recent Lulz

	“	I would freak out if a bunch of snakes showed up at my house with chainsaws.	„
	—Shea Gunther, Earth First fag explaining how armless snakes with chainsaws are the final bosses of the internet.

Fuck. Red fucking circles. Global warming is upon us. Fuck. FUUUUUCK.

Earth First's website has become a sort of pseudo-blog landfill hidden neatly in a package of complete fail. Complaining about everything and anything, the group is more concerned about crabbing than actually doing something, because after all, most hippies are bums who refuse to work anyway. Recently, the groups' ever-watchful media eye has discovered the contest entries for eco-posters sponsored by the Jonas Brothers were allthrown away in the trash. Earth First's concern was not really about the disappointed kids, but rather the glue and glitter on their posters and the fact that those harmful products will corrupt our landfills. "Damn those meddlesome kids!"

Furthermore, an article published recently about Sarah Palin denying global warming has raised concerns with the Earth First faithful.The article, which shows a picture of her with a moose she killed while hunting, basically calls her a pollution loving whore who is obviously sleeping with the devil (because she killed a fucking moose! OMG!!111!!!). Their belief is since her state has experienced the most global warming in the past two years, she should be the last candidate picked. This, of course, is more leftard bullshit, as there is no proof global warming even exists. The odd thing is, actual human beings with brains exist on their site, and they will comment about how batshit insane they are and that the article writers are chock full of shit. But, the site editors will often edit these people's comments, removing texts, writing it in a different language, removing vowels or prepositions, then comment about how much of a dumbass they are. Earth First is obviously trying to broadcast their next course of action: Tree Nazism.

Also, be sure to read this article, which states that cave men, not a meteor or the ice age, killed off the dinosaurs. And to think we've been wrong all this time. Goddamn.

Butthurt Videos

A tree funeral. IF YOU SCREAM THE TREES CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU

Borat knows the score

Trolling Earth First

Spotting an EF fag. Note the neckbeard and bum-like hippie appearance.

This shouldn't even need to be a section. Their website (located below) is full of drivel that is pretty much good for a laugh. Should you decide to respond against them, they will edit your posts or just not believe you because "they said so". Still, while the author of this article has yet to troll them, it would surely induce days of lulz. Simply visit their "factual" blogs and write a comment - the more random the better. Psychologically speaking, studies have shown activists, or people who participate in radical groups, are often more angered by people not taking them seriously and instead mocking their opinions rather than offering educated rebuttals. So, here are a few suggestions (and please, be creative!!!)

Offer to help the earth by cooking chicken noodle soup and dumping it into the Pacific, because you're a 40 year old ecofag and that's what your mommy does when you don't feel good.
Comment with only the following: "MOOOOOooooooo." Enough of these, and it might make them wonder just who their audience is.
Respond with comments wishing harm on all eco-villians. Go into detail. More gore, the better. Might as well make them look more batshit insane than what they really are.
Throw in a Shamwow ad for good measure.
Respond with pro-nazi statements, thus appeasing them with tree propaganda.

All of these should work. Good luck, sweet troll.

Proof that EF website is run by Tree Nazis

Proof About missing Pics

Is Truth
Tactic #1: removing the vowels from someone's post.
Tactic #2: baleeting everything and replacing with crap.
Tactic #3: Tactic #1 + Tactic #2 = Tactic #3.
Tactic #4: responding with a witty remark, thus blinding the hater with wittiness.
Tactic #5: baleeting part or most of the post.
Tactic #6: replacing a response with something that makes no sense whatsoever.
Submissive mode: responding with a poor comeback.