Kelly Hallissey
AOL Efame, Y'all!
Kelly Hallissey is some basement-dwelling fatty who got angry because AOL tricked her into agreeing to work for free for them. When she found out that even people with Asperger's syndrome were entitled to compensation for their time, she got angry and decided to sue them. She started an ill-conceived class action Internet lawsuit that resulted in lots of lulz for the AOL legal team. Kelly made out with millions in efame dollars, and about seven bucks in real world cash.
After being laughed out of court, Kelly decided she was quitting AOL forever and built up a squadron of skript kiddie scenesters that proceeded to endlessly terrorize AOL with electronic break-ins and denial of service attacks. It consists entirely of autistic males who hope to one day get laid by this enormously fat whore. They idle in #obs on EFnet, where Kelly can be found threatening to have someone's shell account taken because she has cybersex with admins of companies.
Ironically, Kelly's website (observers.net) was built and is maintained (albeit poorly) by an unpaid cyber-sweatshop. Kelly lies awake at night worrying that her own volunteers will sue.
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Kelly is the world's oldest drama whore, clocking in at 105 years old at the time of this posting. She lives in a tastefully decorated cardboard box in the most exclusive trailer park in Texas. When not engaged in her very important midlife career of helping drunks get into their cars at three am, she supplements her addiction to Oxycontin by working as a confidential informant.
She is raising a collection of fine young ladies, all by different fathers, who even contribute to the family income.
Her chief hobby, when not trying to find free money for bariatric surgery, is collecting pre-teen packet kiddies, sucking up to an assortment of infamous skids and internet trolls, in the hope of building her personal army and getting her name in the papers just one more time. Kelly suffers from a rare form of narcissism, where her self-esteem is so low, she can only assuage her feelings of inadequacy and impotent rage by basking in the narcissism of others.
Ewhoring
After spending her youth with the elite internet early adopters, she moved on to classier digs. After spending years begging for ops in exclusive EFNET irc clubs, she has finally run out of Bottles, and has moved on to more fertile grounds for attention whoring.
When the attention generated from being BFFs with Sabu, Neal Rauhauser, or the th3j35t3r begins to wane, or her target becomes too weak to fight past the gigantic spiders in her cobweb infested vag, she simply narcs them out to the partyvan, collects her thirty pieces of silver, and slimes her way onto the next target.
Her steadfast partner in derp is Render64 (aka Jesse woods of Laurel Maryland). When he's not e-cheating on Kelly with the middle-aged women of twitter, he's pretending to be a CIA agent at the constant mercy of Islamic terrists who want to take his Xbox away.
Sabu
in 2011, just before his surprise buttsex, Kelly attached herself to Lulzsec hacker Sabu like a metamucil-encrusted barnacle. Taking to her Twitter account with gusto, she defended him and his pals against all critics. In return, Sabu lavished her with his trust, shells, and let her gum his epeen when no other ladies were available for the task. On the fateful day of his arrest, Kelly found herself no longer able to access Sabu's shells, and pitched an epic bitchfit, prematurely dropping both his dox and his SSN. She claimed this was necessary because Sabu threatened to rape her daughter.
Th3j35t3r
Having burned her bridges with Sabu, kelly was less one attention whore to suck up to, so she took her Sabu dox to the Jester camp. Th3j35t3r (aka Jesse Woods) happily posted Sabu's address on his blog, only six months too late for anyone to care, getting him the attention of the partyvan, a fate that invariably follows friendship with Kelly Hallissey. The Jester crew welcomed Kelly with open arms, squandering the remnants of their credibility and losing them the few friends they had left. Meanwhile, the penis-free former shell of a man lets Kelly handle all of his battles, which she handles primarily by accusing his enemies of trying to rape/stalk/swat her.
Sucking up to Neal Rauhauser
After spending a year accusing just about everyone of being a snitch, an epic leak was made via Anonymous, including tapes of Kelly's phone sexing with epic loser/internet punching bag Neal Rauhauser, and emails of Kelly frantically trying to Narc out everyone to the FBI before being narced on herself. This led to an epic race between Kelly, Neal, and Tom Ryan trying to all be the first to throw the others under the bus.
When not engaged in sucking up to criminal narcissists, Kelly battles a growing army of terrorist stalkers, all of whom want to rape her.
OMGSTALKERS
Given her advanced age, Kelly suffers from menopause induced paranoid rage, and the delusion that everyone, everywhere is "stalking" her. When her narcissist gauge starts to tip toward empty, she can be counted on to be the victim of attempted rape, stalking, hit men, rape, attempted murder, more rape, swatting, and rape threats. If crying about all the rape doesn't rile up the personal army, she drags her poor abused children into it, in the world's most bizarre manifestation of Munchausen syndrome. Everyone wants to rape Kelly's kids- even terrorists in Tunisia have gotten in on the act.
External links
- Dox on Doxbin
- Snitch snitch snitch
- On second thought, don't. Her voice is worse than her face.
- Some funny logs of Kelly being Kelly
- Kelly gets swatted! Not really, but very nice acting!
- Archive of kelly's tweets
- Hallissey encouraging the suicide of one of her victims
- Kelly gets blacklisted for hosting trojans
- Oops.
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Kelly Hallissey is part of a series on Visit the Softwarez Portal for complete coverage. |