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What did you expect?
Bible slash. Rule 34 really does come through. Bible-slash is not only a community on Livejournal, but FanFiction.Net. While the stories are good for a chuckle and even raising of some conservative eyebrows, the reviews are even more entertaining!
And... just like any other fandom, there was a VERY prominent pairing that caught the eyes of faingirls faster than a shimmering penis. Just like Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, Jesus and Judas were quickly written butt-sexing each other. It’s so obvious too... Judas really kissed Jesus because he had the hots for him. And also, the Crucifixion what with the whipping and being spread apart in public without clothes is obviously the ancestor of modern BDSM. Read in between the lines people!
Fanfiction
“To betray with a ki–mmff!”
“
And then Joshua was kissing him, kissing him as he’d thought he would never do. His lips were warm and dry, and they curved into a smile as his pressed against them. Hesitant, Judas pulled away, awaiting the sound of the soldiers... but there was nothing. Perhaps they too had fallen asleep, claimed by their god Morpheus; perhaps they were simply not paying attention; Judas did not know. There was a moment where the nighttime noises were uninterrupted until he was shocked to hear Joshua whisper “Now, that was hardly a proper kiss, was it?”
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—Culumacilinte’s The One That I Kiss on Live Journal
A small sample of Bible Slash. Jesus is the slash king, and his Twelve Apostles are always slashed together, sometimes, if you find a cracked out fic, a giant orgy with pounds of hash beside the sex pile.
God/Lucifer, Lucifer/Gabriel, Jesus/Judas, Jesus/Anyone, Twelve Apostles/Anything with two legs and genitalia. This is what happens when slash is awkwardly introduced to the Bible at a bar. The two proceed to get drunk and then one thing leads to another and the Bible is pregnant. Slash tells the Bible to abort the baby, but the Bible is religious so it can’t. Nine months later, Bible-Slash was born.
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“This would be a sin if one of us were mortal, little angel,” I murmur wickedly as I pull my mouth away from his at last and nuzzle at his neck, “but for two sons of Heaven like ourselves, there is nothing sinful in what we’re doing. And is it really violation if you want it?” He gasps, almost sobbing as I stroke the smooth, unblemished whiteness of his chest, brushing lightly over the delicate skin of his small pink nipples, sliding my other hand ever lower, to rest at last between his slender thighs and bring him slowly to arousal. His platinum hair falls back from his hauntingly lovely face as he crimsons with shame, and yet he arches himself toward my skilful touch.
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—Angelica Albina’s His Wings As Drifted Snow
A work of art for the Lucifer/Gabriel fans.
biblesextories.com
Someone had spare time and server space, so they decided to troll Christianity. They succeeded.
Some examples:
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Ruth 1:3:11- And Naomi said, Turn again, my daughters: why will ye go with me? are there yet any more sons in my womb, that they may be your husbands?
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becomes
“
Naomi, don't say that. You're still a very...attractive woman." Ruth raised her eyes, following the supple lines of her mother-in-law's thigh beneath her robe, up to her ample breasts and her luxuriant hair falling atop her shoulders. Though well into her forties, Naomi was still a looker. Ruth fought to keep the lustful gleam out of her eye. She and Orpah had married this woman's sons, but in fact Ruth had always secretly fantasized about the seductive older woman.-
The story of Lot and his daughters only gets a lovely picture
Lot+Two horny daughters
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Samuel 1:18:3-4- Then Jonathan and David made a covenant, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle.
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becomes
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"When you strike," Jonathan said, "Show no mercy." David rammed himself deeply into the ass of Jonathan, who inhaled sharply. "Well, maybe just a little mercy," he added. David pulled out a ways and spit on his cock a few times before thrusting again.
"Now," cried Jonathan, "All the way, in to the hilt." David pounded away at Jon's ass until he let go with a holler.
"Holy cow, where'd you learn to fuck like that?"
"Gotta do something to pass the time with the sheep."
Later, the two men lay in each other's arms, and Jonathan ran his fingers through David's curls. "You're a worthy opponent," he said "But I'm glad we're on the same side."
„
Reactions/Reviews
Soon, Christians took notice, and the lulz wasn't far after.
I don't belive in a God currently, But I still find this VERY terrible. What if your wrong and he's real? Take down this fucking site before you regret it you asshole!
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—god will reward your faith
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i am Dam sure who built this site is a mother fucker.when he was to be born he fucked her and then he came out of her
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—how christian
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Behold, the end is near... Take head, my children, for one will be taken away and the other will be left behind...
This is sick. I am christian and you have just insulted my religion. Please take this story down and delete it, eradicate it from the internet, rip it into little pieces etc... Oh- and remember to smash up your computer so you can never write again. Ever.
This person can not spell anything. *reap, *elaborate, *sinned."
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HOW DARE YOU WRITE SUCH AN ABOMINATION! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ANGRY GOD IS AT YOU RIGHT NOW! REPENT AND REMOVE THIS 'STORY' BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE AND YOU END UP IN HELL!
Dammit! I can do fag tricks better than anyone, and nobody's written one slashfic about me giving my best goatse for the Great Jesus H. Christ! I am so butthurt I could kill all of you with my crowbar, provided I can find where I hid it up inside my big fat piggie ass!
Be creative. As they say, The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. You can either troll the Christians and spamming their email with porn of Biblical people, or just Viagra adds. They need it anyways. Be sure to forward any and all bible slashfics you find to [email protected]
Or... leave many reviews to stories. “Reviews” could consist of memes, so keep some favorites in mind. Go and leave your mark in Bible Slash History!
Can you see Jesus?
