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Azeus
| Battle of Lipstick | |||||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Part of Online Beef | |||||||
 Jonathan Rex's last moments in his bunker |
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| Combatants | |||||||
| Revolutionaries Producers |
The Thousand Alias Horde of Azeus | ||||||
| Commanders | |||||||
| 1st Alias Hunters Ghetalion 2nd Alias Hunters J-Nyce |
1st Alias Division NtrikitMind |
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| Strength | |||||||
| Total strength 76,066~ posts, |
Total strength 30,769~ posts, |
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| Casualties | |||||||
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4 Bannings |
4 Bannings, | ||||||
Jonathan Rex is was an influential personality of RapeMusic.com who prided himself in being master of illusions and ambiguity. His Flame Warrior class was an Artful Dodger. When one falls for his superior intellect, the target has no idea what role he or she is playing until (and if) he reveals it to them. He is a self-professed master of secrecy, and a philosopher-prophet who embodies Yeshua and the Tao. While having his aliases slightly exposed out over the years, he maintains that his real identity has never been compromised. Before the Battle of the Alley, advanced metaphysical theories used to suggest that he was once immune to Google searches that can track down every single post a user has ever made. Whenever he was actually cornered and sonned, he would run to the defense of It was a social experiment. None of this explains the vast amount of time and effort he put into RM, though - at his height, he was actively posting for up to 12 hours a day.
Azues is a poet, philosopher, king, majestic knight, lion, playwright, screenwriter, actor, philanthropist, rapper, producer, singer, artist, monk, hot guy, Spiritual Leader, priest, deacon, nun, bishop, pope, rabbi, scholar, author, athlete, businessman, prince, president of the united states, emperor, philosopher-king, czar, kaiser, sculptor, magician, astronaut, professor, nude dancer, kickboxing champion, painter, admiral of the high seas, general of the armies, casting director, secret agent, chancellor, pharoah, celebrity, gangster, chieftan, novelist, kingmaker, RM debater to the stars and one hell of a guy.
Jonathan Rex
From Amazon.com:
Some of the ludicrous boasts and exaggerations of Az can be seen here. On RM, he has claimed to have met and recorded music with Eric Clapton, worked as a DJ, bouncer, and so on. He claims to be from the Cherokee Native American tribe, in spite of his almost blinding whiteness. He also claims that he was born in Israel, making him a Jewindian with lots of culture and minority coolness. [1]
Also, Newport Patriot High does not exist in Scranton, Pennsylvania. I know, I live there.
First Incarnation
Azeus signed up to RapeMusic.com on May 15th, 2002 as Azeus_suezA, (clearly alluring to the mythology of Janus with his mirroring name) and posted frequently in the Poetry session. His trite, unmoving prose was embraced by a few subhumans, but all in all, it did not provide nearly enough ego-inflation to feed his demands. Had they only have known that Azeus has battled volcanoes and typhoons with his bare hands, they would have groveled in subserviance like the peons they were. Azeus spun off the handle and found himself banned in 2003... but not without instigating irritation amongst the RM.fag denizens. He also met his "wife" around this time in the poetry section, who posted as Somberglance. They later met up, and AZ brainwashed her into staying with him. However, this is only one possibility - its widely believed that his wife was completely imaginary, and that he did not have a real relationship with the woman in the pictures he posted. AZ has also claimed that Somberglance was his alias, or that hes really Somberglance pretending to be AZ. Who knows, who cares - if he were Pinocchio, his nose would reach to the Kuiper Belt.
Second Incarnation
Azeus recovered July 22nd, 2003 as AzeussuezA and decided that pretending to be a metaphysical philosophical guru would be a wise career move. During his time spent in the IntroSpectrum, the Taleus Project peaked and was winding down. (Ghet took on the alias persona of an internet prophet preaching about the differences between humans and animals) Seeing the influence of this simple method hold the interest of the commoners, Azeus was inspired and attempted to try the same approach, but instead, ended up recycling speeches from the Matrix in long-winded tl;dr posts. At this time, Azeus managed to make permanent enemies out of Ill Rich, Black Soultan, Riz, Double ML, and almost anyone else he came in contact with because of his condescending and holier-than-thou "humbleness".
Third Incarnation
Azeus revealed that he is Jonathan Rex and on July 13th, 2006, providing many pictures of him and his lovely wife. Confident his years of mocking everyone for not understanding him has solidified a loyal fanbase, he unleashed a monstrosity of a book called Tao for the Christian Mind. After the RM.fag mobs tore it to shreds and used copies were already availible on eBay, Azeus quickly discarded his identity, claiming that "SUPRISELOL I MADEZ IT ALL UP IM NOT REALLY JOANATHAN REX!"
The Battle of Lipstick
Opening Shots
Professing himself to be a master Internet Security Technicianisterism, Azeus believed himself untouchable and immune to the ramifications to over 5 years of cumulative fucktardedry. What Azeus wasn't expecting was Ghet was still reeling from failing to reveal the identity of Faviano. Ghet redoubled his efforts and sharpened his online tracking abilities, swearing never to lose again. Within an hour and a half of making that post, Azeus had his IP (4.65.214.171) exposed on ED from an old banning that he forgot to clean up. He immediately counter-attacked with a volley of Internet Lawlsuits:
Ghet called his bluff and said fuck off. Meanwhile, Azeus was furiously contacting Janitor (the guy who runs RapeMusic.com) to have his IP removed from the old signature. He also blanked the RapeMusic.com article 11 times. These revisions were undone within minutes and Azeus denied being The Architect.
The Long Retreat Begins
Azeus announced that his reactive measures were simply diversions to protect his real identity. He also ordered hs e-lawyers to the front line to buy himself some more time for Janitor to edit his IP posted in his old signature. But Ghet was on the ready and ordered his reinforcements at Google to unload everything they had on Azeus. In this pitched battle, the golden gem of his identity was revealed. His post he made about him being Jonathan Rex came to the forefront once more. The Photoshop teams went to work and ED was notified of the recent gains in Ghet's camp. Azeus, predictably, told everyone that those pictures were not him and then suggested that he would be in trouble if Ghet did not remove those photos:
Azeus quickly wiped both of his Photobucket accounts. At this point, Ghet offered the terms of conditional surrender to Azeus to preserve whatever was left of his online legacy. He turned down the offer, believing his Scorched Data policy of deleting and editing his content would save him. Predicting that Azeus would not surrender and would deny being the person in the phots, Ghet unleashed his final concealed weapon: EXIFs, matching the date of the photos with the date of the post:
"http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com...:Staredown.jpg
Camera manufacturer EASTMAN KODAK COMPANY
Camera model KODAK CD33 ZOOM DIGITAL CAMERA
Date and time of data generation 10:36, 11 July 2006 (07-11-2006 10:36am)
http://board.rapmusic.com/archive/in.../t-996928.html
POST DATE: 07-13-2006, 05:52 PM
COINCIDENCE!? I THINK NOT!
The Killing Blow
Ghet expended his current information reserves entirely in the previous conflict, leaving him exposed for a vicious counter attack. However, Yayo charged in with the 2nd Alias Hunters and provided the coup-de-grace that brought an end to Azeus forever:
Broadsided by the initial bombardment by Ghet and then overwhelmed by the community's universal retaliation against him, Azeus made his final speech before being driven from the site:
Further Lulz and Faggotry
Long ago, Riz called Azeus out by suggesting that Azeus is Neo from Starship Troopers.
In one of Azeus' clever "mind-games", he decided to trick RM into thinking he was a flaming fag.
This is the sort of shit he would typically post:
Azeus Facts
- Azeus was born in 2000 bc, his strict regimen of calisthenics and yoga has greatly increased his lifespan.
- Azeus created his wife out of a rib he removed from his body.
- Azeus gave birth to the entire Native American race.
- Azeus can type 600 words a minute. This means he spends, on average, only 20 minutes typing each reply.
- When asked why he posted so much on rm.com, Azeus scoffed and explained that according to a great philosopher who he taught, rm doesnt "exist" so how can he post on it?
- Were all living in a play that azues wrote in a campus library. the Azeus we know is only a representative, the true azeus has a name that cant be pronounced.
- Azeus has a belt in all forms of martial arts. theyre not black belts, theyre even darker than black.
- 'Azeus' is NOT Swihali for 'bullshit'.
- Azeus gave up careers in: photography, fighting, sports, journalism, rapping, poetry writing, lion, philosophy, personal saviour, bouncer, God's Final Witness, property development, book writing, and DJ'ing... to be a full-time message board debater.
- Azeus is the only person in US legal history to be prosecuted for impersonating themselves.
- Azeus once took out a double page personal ad.
- The dinasour T-Rex was named in honour of Azues's future son.
- Once, when azeus was penning a holy book, his finger slipped and he invented sanskrit.
- Azeus believes a picture is worth a thousand words and has a photographic memory. For your own sake, dont ask him shit.
- Azeus once hired a skywriter as a surprise for his wife on valentines day. The plane crashed after running out of fuel.
- Azeus's resume lists more positions than the kama sutra.
- Azeus knows who "he" is. "You" don't know who "you" are. But "he" probably does.
- Azeus takes drugs because he cannot just say no.
- Azeus knows everything, has done everything and will annoy the living shit out of you if you read any of his posts.
Identity
- Jonathan Rex's IP is 4.65.214.171 and his hostname is lsanca1-ar22-4-65-214-171.lsanca1.dsl-verizon.net. He has attended USC in Los Angeles. He is really good at keeping his identity secret. (More information about him can be found here)
- His e-mail is [email protected].
- Here is one of his Photobuckets. Here is another one of his Photobuckets.
- Azeus is also known as known as Yahunyahti, AzeussuezA, Anidawehi, Azeus_suezA, The Architect, Azeus_Rex, _Rex_, Superman70 (speculation), Tacit, johnny_spanish, JonathanRex, NtrikitMind and Asseus
- He has also written a book about survivng volcanos and typhoons, but none of this prepared him for the natural disasters facing him on the intrawebs.
- Look, this fag got so shook he deleted his music. He is also a professional Cold Fusion user.
- This little camwhore has a YouTube site, too.
- His wife made an account on CoolWebPages.com. (Her e-mail address is [email protected])
- He also posted on ReligiousForums.com, but managed to get banned there, too. No surprise there.
- YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM ARCHIVE.ORG! AwardSpace? Seriously, guy, are you gay or something?
- And now we found his MySpace
Gallery
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Match.com now offers heroin-addict compatibility. -
Removing shoes = l33t IRL proxy -
After months of using e-lawyers, Suge finally pays up. -
Cover of his shitty book.
