Kassi Kandi

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File:Manateeinwig.jpg
The not-so-elusive wannabe-porn star/scene queen/drug addict/(mild) anorexic/(severe) bulimic/manatee in a wig.
Kassi naked

Kassi Kandi is a mentally retarded manatee that got separated from her pack when she was just a pup, and tried to an hero herself by becoming beached off the coast of California. She has since been adopted by a pair of blind, deaf, and dumb Estonian immigrants who can't monitor Kassi as her bloated fins slap aimlessly at their computer keyboard, accidentally typing questions for herself on Formspring and taking webcam pictures of herself shirtless. The world has seen her retired truckstop worker tits and zit nipples at least once, and been exposed to dozens of enlightening Tumblr entries.

She lives by the motto 'DGAF' and contradicts this belief by checking efanz[1] obsessively and commenting whenever a post is made about her.

In some parts of the world, Kassi is now considered a pseudo-Internet Celebrity/Scene Queen fan.


Self-Diagnosis

File:Kassilearningdisorder.jpg
Kassi does not know why you don't believe her about her problems!

Kassi suffers from a slew of disorders which she looked up on WebMD. Many of which she whines about all over the internet in hopes of scoring a pity fuck.

   
“ 		 
Yes, I do have the mental disorders I say I do. I plan to get it all on paper from a doctor to prove it. I have depression, anxiety, bipolar, and POSSIBLE borderline personality disorder. I say possible because my doctors have talked about me possibly having it but have not officially diagnosed me with it.
  		„
  		 

—See also: bullshit

How she manages to cope with all of these issues without being locked in a padded room in a straight jacket is a question only God can answer. Her verbal, physical, and sexual abuse is the apparent source of all our lulz.

File:Kassisob.jpg
If you really knew me you'd know. . .
   
“ 		 
I’ve suffered years of verbal and physical and sexual abuse in my life. I’ve been verbally and physically since Kindergarten. I can’t even put it into words what I suffered. I dreaded school every single day of my life. I went to a private school and was in a class of about 23 kids and was the only one in the class that everyone abused and hated. I was a fat wannabe who didn’t know my place in this world and didn’t know who I was. I wasn’t cute in the least bit. I didn’t have the best clothes. I had HORRIBLE hair. This went on until about 6th grade and it’s shaped my personality and has helped bring on my mental disorders that I have now.
  		„
  		 

—BAWWWW

If all of that didn't convince her to become an hero, you'd think losing her virginity to her stepbrother would, but she keeps on truckin'.

   
“ 		 
Anyways, I started being raped by my stepbrother at the age of 13. The fact that my stepbrother took my virginity haunts me everyday and makes me sick. Not only that but I have to suffer the fact that most people think I’m lying. Of all things to lie about why in the hell would I lie about that? It’s disgusting. I don’t tell people for sympathy. Most of the time I go without talking about it altogether. The only times I tell people is when I’m telling them my life story, like I’m doing for you right now, and when rape is brought up. My life is an open book so pretty much everyone knows.
  		„
  		 

—Most of the time she doesn't talk about it except for the times when she opens her mouth.

Eating Disorders

Look out, the beast is binging again!
NO.
I R BULLEMIC N BULLEMICS STAY FAT
McDonalds: the perfect job for a mild anorexic.

Kassi is a waaahnorexic and lollemic while remaining a tubby fuck. Viewing unshooped images of her is frequently followed by uncontrollable vomitting and loss of faith.

   
“ 		 
I have mild anorexia and severe bulimia. I say mild anorexia because I will go a day or two without eating and then binge. I’m not a good anorexic.
  		„
  		 

—Well that's obvious.


She defeats the purpose of having not one, but TWO eating disorders.

   
“ 		 
Anyone who knows anything about bulimia knows that with bulimia weight can stay the same a lot of times depending on your metabolism. I have a shitty metabolism so this would be the case.
  		„
  		 

—WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL THIS?

She calls herself fat, then gets butthurt over being called fat, then posts pictures of herself angled and shooped just so in order to appear not fat and claims she has eating disorders so it's assumed that she's not fat.

   
“ 		 
Oh, and I LOVE how people lie and call me fat like it’s gonna hurt my feelings. Even if you truly believe I’m fat, that’s really sad cuz I’m 5’ 4” and weigh 135 which is an average weight for my height. Don’t try and sit there and say it’s not, either just cuz you Googled it. I think an actual doctor (that I’ve been to) knows more about BMI than the interwebs. Doctors don’t lie, either. They’re straight up.
  		„
  		 

—IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE YOU ARE FAT THEN WHY ARE YOU ANAZ?

   
“ 		 
What’s funny is…

efanz is driving me to not eat with the constant fat comments. What’s funny is they won’t believe this post ONE bit. What’s funny is I don’t give a fuck cuz it’s true. :/
 

„
  		 

—Kassi having her feelings hurt.

File:61228 150882964942589 100000626581400 320535 7484240 n.jpg
Kassi proving that the fat girl angle shot works for just about anyone.

Addict

Kassi boasts that she's a srs addict u guiz, but spectators maintain that her only addiction is to attention.


   
“ 		 
Listen to what I say and take it all in cuz if you don’t you’re gonna end up a drug/alcohol addict like me and will be saying “WTF”.
  		„
  		 

Kassi on having a totally serious and crippling addition to drugs and alcohol.

   
“ 		 
Quitting drugs and alcohol…

No one’s gonna believe me, but I’d like to put out there that I’m quitting drugs and alcohol. All they’ve done is ruin my life and have made me fried out and retarded and forget things all the time. It’s not worth it, and if I’m gonna be a role model to girls out there I’ve got to stop. I don’t want anyone else to do drugs or drink so why should I? I’m pulling a Hanna Beth I guess…

Sober date- December 12th, 2010

God, let’s see how long this lasts. :/
 

„
  		 

—Kassi is super serious about quitting her imaginary addictions.

   
“ 		 
Officially one day sober
  		„
  		 

—Hoping for applause over a meaningless accomplishment

   
“ 		 
I suggest you DON'T go out and get fucked up 24/7. It'll fuck with your brain. I can't remember half the shit I retain because I'm so fucked up all the time and my brain cells are just fried and dead.
  		„
  		 

—Apparently she didn't retain the meaning of the word retain


UPDATE:

It appears our dear little pudding bitch never made any attempt to quit her imanginary addictions.

Kassi, lying yet again

Formspring

It is well known that this blubbery hambeast writes flattering questions to herself on her Formspring page to make people think she has fans and people who actually like her. She never answers questions that call her out on her attention whoring antics or prove she is lying. She only answers questions that she has a smart reply for. Her response to being called out on her "drug and alcohol" addictions result in respones asking for proof that she isn't addicted. Obviously if we can't prove it, she must be telling the truth. The liars ultimate safety net.

Retarded Formspring Answers About missing Pics
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No, Really

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You can tell by the video that she really is skinny, and not holding her stomach in. Not at all.

SHE'S CLEANING UP HER ACT!

She doesn't understand why no one will talk about all the good things she's doing with her life for the past 3 days. She took a whole twenty dollars that she was gonna use on tacky extensions and gave it to the Salvation Army! HAHAHA, DISREGARD THAT, I'M GOING TO STICK A TEQUILA BOTTLE UP MY BLACKHOLE OF A VAGINA!!!!

I dun gud?

Oh Kassi, you can donate your entire Hot Topic collection to the poor, and you'll still only be doing yourself a favor, and not anyone else.


Apology Letter

Kassi has apparently gotten sick of being trolled with negative attention. Despite her claims to like both negative and positive attention, that seems to have turned out to be another lie. As of the 19/12/2010 she has deleted her formspring. Many lulz were lost. LOL UNBALEETED! Once again proving everything she does is for attention.

Please see below for the very TL;DR apology letter from her Tumblr. Lulziest lines have been bolded for your viewing pleasure.

Apology

   
“ 		 
I want to apologize to all of you for saying I was anorexic. I realize now that I would just have certain weeks where I would fast instead of being actually anorexic. Anorexia and bulimia is something you should never share on the internet because you can get a lot of shit for it. I was asked if I ever had an eating disorder on formspring and I answered the way I did because I guess I wanted attention. I wasn’t trying to lie about the anorexia, it was purely just a mistake. I don’t know a whole lot about the disease. I’m sorry to anyone I may have hurt by saying I was anorexic when I’m not. I hate hurting people and that’s the last thing I want is to hurt people over a silly mistake I made. I would also like to apologize to those who are hurt by me saying I’m addicted to doing drugs instead of any drug itself. I’m not going back on that, because it’s true that I’m mentally addicted to partying, but I still apologize to anyone who’s been through addiction who finds what I say offensive. I wish you guys could understand where I’m coming from when I say I’m mentally addicted to doing drugs because a lot of you don’t think it’s possible when really you can mentally be addicted to anything. Mental addiction is nowhere near as rough as physical addiction to a certain drug, though, and I applaud anyone whose gotten over their addictions. For me to be sober as long as I have is hard(LOL 5 DAYS), but NOWHERE near as hard as someone who has a physical addiction to a drug, and I highly respect addicts who have gotten help to get over their addictions. I don’t really deserve any respect for quitting drugs, as it’s nowhere near as hard for me as it is for the physically addicted. It is still hard for me though, as I’m tempted daily. Idk how I resist the urges, but thankfully I do. I quit drugs to help myself and to become a better role model for younger girls out there. Doing drugs is not glamourous. Yeah it’s fun but the longterm effects aren’t. I hope you guys will forgive me for my actions. I know I pull the “I was young and stupid” card a lot, but I really have changed a lot the past couple months. I’m constantly changing. So if you guys could please forgive me and try to see me for the kind and caring person I try to be, that would be greatly appreciated. Everyone that’s ever gotten to know me has loved me, which means so much to me and is more than I can ask for. If you guys got to know me, I’m sure you’d love me, too. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else, but I am pretty awesome if you get to know me. I love you guys. Stay true to yourself. Peace.
  		„
  		 

— Summary: I'm not really sorry and I love attention.


Reactions to the heartfelt apology

   
“ 		 
"You did it for attention? Wow I had no idea Kassi! News to me!"
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
"She only started "changing" until we called her on her shit... and now she's covering her ass like hell. Didn't she say she was diagnosed with anorexia as well? Oh girl...

I'm going to enjoy the next posts on her (if she hasn't wiped herself from the internet)"
 

„
  		 

   
“ 		 
"KASSI, SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you were really as sorry as you say you are, and as embarrassed and everything, YOU'D STOP BRINGING IT UP AND JUST LET IT FADE AWAY. STOP "APOLOGIZING" FOR ATTENTION YOU MISERABLE TWAT."
  		„
  		 

   
“ 		 
"AND kassi, it is a little insulting to people who have actually suffered from true addictions and illnesses that you are using them simply for attention. If you think it hurts when people make fun of you, think about how much it hurts the true addicts when they see your dumbass pretending to be just as ill as they are, for a few extra followers on your tumblr.

I'm sure she could get a lot more, positive attention if she stopped this whole "imma b famos on tha internet" thing, and just focused on herself. Is the attention really worth it?"
 

„
  		 

   
“ 		 
"that little blog is going to get her SO MUCH HATE. You didn't "get a lot of shit" because you "shared" your anorexia and bulimia stories with the internet...you got shit on because that, like all of this is just a big attention grab."
  		„
  		 

Previous Quote | Next Quote

Lobster Claw Vagina-Gate

Michelin man on top, lobster claw on the bottom. That's my kinda woman.
Artist's rendering of Kassi's beautiful naked body

In early 2011, Kassi spread her naked legs for several cheap cam sites, exposing what appeared to be a beige lobster claw. Turns out vagina dentata is real after all. Kassi was caught on cam deep throating dildos after eating doritos. To everyone's surprise, she made no money at all. However, isanyoneup made a decent chunk of ad revenue off exposing her uniboob.

She kept this up for a while, trying out each of the worst cam sites in existence, before she came to the realization that she was embarassing herself and her family and demanded that all of her nudes be removed from efanz. At least, all of the cam ones, the hideous professional ones could stay. Members had a field day watching her whine about how they ruined her life, as if they were the ones who forced her to camgirl and link all of her public accounts to her camgirl page. "Her mom" even got involved. Users responded by laughing in her face and replying with the infamous lobster claw.


Sweet Sweet N00dz About missing Pics
  • "Professional Shot"
    "Professional Shot"
  • What is this I don't even...
    What is this I don't even...
  • Dat azzzzz
    Dat azzzzz
  • omnomnom
    omnomnom
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  • Nice gut
    Nice gut
  • I'm sorry, is camming putting you to sleep?
    I'm sorry, is camming putting you to sleep?
  • Is that Marshmellow Man?
    Is that Marshmellow Man?

Even her IRL friends hate her

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Profit!!

1.Get in huge cat fight with Kassi Kandi

2.Rip hair extensions from her head

3.????

4.PROFIT!!!

How to troll Kassi Kandi

- Call her fat, watch lulz as she tries to say she isn't.

- Call her a liar, watch lulz as she asks for proof.

- Type in Japanese to her (even if you have to use Google Translator) and watch the lulz unfold. Knowing her, she'll use such emoticons as (O___O) to express her fail in comprehension of the language. Thus proving that she is no more than a retarded Weaboo.

- Tell her you'll remove her n00dz if she messages a mod and then refuse to remove her n00dz because it's not actually a rule.

Gallery of Fail

Kassi Kandi Faggotry About missing Pics
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See Also

External Links

  • Formspring where she asks herself flattering questions - BALEETED NVM. SHE COULDN'T HANDLE LIFE WITHOUT THE ATTENTION.
  • Twitter where she brags about being made fun of
  • Urban Dictionary where she writes definitions for herself
  • Efanz where her exploits are posted
  • Myspace where she pretends she's going to make music
  • Tumblr where she baaaawwwws - ALERT! SHITTY WEABOO AUTOPLAY MUSIC.
  • Youtube where she baaawwws AND makes you look at her ugly face

Kassi Kandi is part of a series on

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