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Columbus
- Not to be confused with Dan's Neighborhood, in a desolate part of Columbus, Ohio
I don't know anything about Columbus Day, how it is traditionally celebrated or what the heck it is about. Do I eat hot dogs or turkey? Should I water the lawn? Is this the ideal day to plant mulberry trees? Will there be a Columbus Day NFL game or is it a college football occasion? All I know about it is what I learned watching the movie, which was really, really bad.
While this site and others can sometimes seem an exercise in pettiness, revenge, hatred and emnity, it is important that we remember there is still rampant imperialism in this one aspect of every person's life.
Pressures at school or work can aggravate personal issues, and many people will seek to ease their troubled minds by making fun of Columbus. If you are a culprit of such behavior or this becomes a shameful factor in your life, please be considerate enough to remain in your basement, thus nobody will notice that you are an absolute bastard.
If you are willing to recognize the true universality of humanity in its shared oceanic exploits, it is hoped you will also rise above the snarky responses from those who are less enlightened.
From far and wide, make the most of the rare occasion of Columbus Day. After all, there are only one or two (perhaps three or four) occasions when we celebrate Genoan navigators.
Seize your share of Columbus Day while it's still so glorious and free, before the politicians work out a way to tax it so that you only end up with 43.5% of Columbus Day after the Feds get 35%, state government siezes 10% and the local government requires a Columbus Day Wheel Tax.
Thus, appreciate Columbus Day, and appreciate standing guard with glowing hearts for Columbus Day. Enjoy the hot dogs and snow cones, roasted, fried, boiled, stewed or steamed, for breakfast, lunch and dinner - unless, of course, you prefer hot pants with your snow cones. Mmmmmmmm... hot pants...
Columbos
Columbus is not to be confused with Columbos, the most awesome detective ever. Every episode of Columbos was the same. The villain would spend an entire hour running rings around everyone and making it perfectly, succinctly clear that there was no possible way he could have committed the crime. Then, having spent all this time listening patiently with a look of mild interest on his face, Columbos would say "Just one more thing," whereupon he would fly open his dirty trenchcoat and reveal his shrivelled old man cock and pendulous veiny conkers, then laugh and run away thus winning.
If only Phoenix Wright were so effectual.
Facts for the Day
The explorer Christopher Columbus is responsible for bringing syphilis into Europe [1]
Christopher Columbus became high, got lost, and held up a 7-11. This makes him the inventor of America. An enitre day is dedicated to his tomfoolery!
At least according to certain historical revisionists, Christopher Columbus is responsible for bringing Smallpox to america and in extension the deaths of over 90 million original peoples. Just don't question them about how it was an island that Columbus went to and especially don't ask them how smallpox spread from said island to mainland America. They might just die from teh facts.
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