Fairphone

Translation: Moving hash across the globe with a mere little telephone!

It's called the 'fairphone' - but the reality which you don't see when you have no friends and are scared brickless of your own fridge is that it's about as far away from fair as the CEO of Fairphone is from the sweatshops it's produced in - namely the distance between the Netherlands and China.

It's marketed at a mixture of conspiracy theorists and sinecure managers who want the 'I'm making a difference' brand, so they can upstage those around them who never gave a shit anyway.

As usual, it's produced in exactly the same way as every other smart phone - it's just that instead of lazy corporate whores, fairphone has lazy hipsters managing a global chain of sweatshops.

Inception

Conspiracy theorists, along with certain strands of hippies, have always been suspicious of anything which makes life a little bit easier, and/or annoyed when pesky mainstream folk seem to be enjoying themselves. Sitting in their tin-foiled attic rooms in the middle of the countryside, they have become bored with not having a smart phone with no apps, no text messaging, and no phone calls.

Conspiracy theorists have seen google and they don't like it - because they believe google is reading each and every email in your gmail account.

Upon realizing this, some stoned dude in Holland decided to setup fair phone - to give the conspiracy nuts little boxes which light up, and charge shit loads for each one, so that they could be entertained by reading the emails of the 25 conspiracy theorists who are all signed up when they saw the word 'fair' in the title.

So no gmail anymore for the conspiracy theorists - even though gmail has a billion+ users and couldn't read every email ever sent or received from a gmail account - whilst it would take around 5 minutes to read all of the emails every sent or received from all 25 of the suckers stupid enough to buy a phone from people they don't know, simply because it's branded as being 'fair'.

Features include:

No fun apps to be found here! Or any means of making a call or sending a text either! Take that NSA!

• Two sim cards - to make it easier to be tracked by fairphone, and so that you have to pay two phone bills.
• Conflict-free materials sourced for production - well, who can resist mining when you have a rocket launcher pointed at your village?
• Rootable operating system - read that again because it doesn't say 'Bootable'.
• Replaceable battery and e-waste program - it's from Holland, so you once you get the phone, you take out the hash, put the money in, and send it back to Amsterdam. All customs free.

How to order?

Obviously, conspiracy theorists are folk who like to think that because each phone is made slightly differently, it will be more difficult to track their movements, (of course, the NSA would just use radar, because generally objects of this size have visibility on radar).

1. Go to fairphone.com

2. Click on 'Start a movement'

3. Click 'Make one for me'.

4. Your shit is now in the post.

Gallery

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  What the phone looks like after a typical fairphone user sits on it.
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  Originality!
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  Yay! More sweatshops in the third world! No jobs for anybody in the US - THAT'S FAIR, K?
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  "Yeah we've put the bulldozers on stilts so the NSA can't see us building the facility via satellites"
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  "Ok we've found some! Get onto the the army in here with the rocket launcher and we'll make them think they phones they're making are making a difference."