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Las Vegas
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WHATEVER HAPPENS HERE DOES NOT STAY HERE |
Las Vegas, Nevada is where American culture goes to die. Vegas was founded Last Thursday by gentle, polygamist Mormons who were running west from the government to save themselves from certain death. This is seemingly irrelevant: nobody actually cares about the history of the town, least of all the people who have to live there, as they are too busy scampering for shelter from the 10,000 degree heat. It is common knowledge that nobody has ever been born in Las Vegas (save the children of exceptionally stupid hookers), and nobody ever leaves. They mean to, but never get around to it. Las Vegans don't do well outside of the city, as they are dependent on the expectation that every grocery store, Elvis-head whiskey decanter outlet, shabby cathouse and crystal meth outlet will be open 24/7. A closed sign infuriates them. Even the shameful fact that everybody from Japan has been to Las Vegas at least once - making the place even more unlivable - is not enough motivation for Vegas residents to pull up stakes and relocate to a more hospitable clime
Las Vegas is also home to the West Coast's largest population of methamphetamine users, as well as the notorious Black Cloud, both of whom are always a source of lolz. Due to its high concentration of porn, all you can eat buffets (leading to fatties) and 24/7 lifestyle, Las Vegas is a frequent source of IRL drama, and Las Vegans themselves live for it. It doesn't help that Vegas is so hot that residents are unable to sit in front of the computer all summer. This is because they are secretly reptilian, basking in the light of the sun to warm their cold blood and stay alive.
The few natives of Vegas absolutely hate Californians and Mormons for moving into their city and raising mortgage fees. If they had greater numbers they would wage war with California and Utah. Fortunately, the risk of this is absolutely nil, as anyone dumb enough to be born in Las Vegas and actually LIVE there has received a true double-whammy of bad genes and bad upbringing. These unfortunate souls would have trouble locating California on a map. They also hate their neighbors who have had Oregon plates on their car since 2005 and secretly masturbate to the fantasy of calling the DMV on them as revenge for their bitching to the HOA about their trash cans and brown grass. Again, the chance of this actually happening is nil divided by zero, as all Californians are by nature far too afraid of confrontation to mount even the most passive-aggressive of revenge plots.
Las Vegas is home to Defcon each year. Alas, frankly, it doesn't matter what city Defcon is in, because having the event 3 blocks from the strip is JUST TOO FAR AWAY to walk. Truthfully, given how bad city drivers are, this might actually be a legitimate complaint.
A bachelor party trip to Las Vegas will always end in drama, typically involving massive amounts of narcotics and/or a breakup scene accompanied by shitty 80s music.
Note: very few Las Vegans are actually Vegans.
Things that Las Vegas is famous for
- Legal prostitution
- No open container laws
- Hot chicks everywhere
- Free alcohol
- Linetrap
- People who patrol the Mojave and wish for a nuclear winter.
Things That Never Happen in Las Vegas or are Lies
- Legal prostitution
- The temperature going above 80 degrees.
- No open container laws
- Hot chicks everywhere
- Free alcohol
- Linetrap
- A nuclear winter