Lowter
Lowter, previously known as Lowter Studios, is an e-zine primarily featuring the pretentious ramblings of Ethan Poole, a gay Apple-loving hackish fanboy, and his merry troupe of 13 year old fag euro-freaks playing make-believe as experienced web developers. It features at least 100 poorly-written and inaccurate PHP, Javascript and Perl tutorials. Lowter prides itself in its "Too Easy Guides," the title of which, contrary to Ethan's self-proclaimed knowingness of teh Englishes, makes absolutely no grammatical sense whatsoever. The Lowter forums' only purpose is to serve as an outlet for Ethan's Libertarian, Pagan, and emo [1] whinings about how his English teacher doesn't like him for being a pretentious fuck. The scientific community, after numerous studies, has concluded that Lowter contains no useful information whatsoever and Ethan should have stuck with his Charmed RPG site. Lowter is a known sect of the "Blame America First" crowd.
Ottoman
One day, while circle-jerking, Ethan came up with an idea for an insanely simplistic content management system. An hour later, the final version of Ottoman was completed. Having been coded by a drug-using moron, Ottoman claims to give "you the power!" by doing absolutely nothing on its own. Its tag line:
"Unlike other content management systems, Ottoman puts the power in your hands. Ottoman does no rendering itself of your content, but using designed commands you can render information exactly to your preference. By not rendering content itself, Ottoman gives you more control, while saving you disk space at the same time."
Translated out of bullshit speak, this says:
"Our software cannot do anything at all, so we are going to claim that its inability to complete even basic tasks is a feature! Now write gleaming reports and suck our cocks, critics!"
Ethan: Proof There is no God
Ethan fancies himself to be a European, probably to fit in with his aforementioned euro-freak friends, although Madonna is more European than Ethan was, is, and ever will be. In order to appear more European, Ethan criticizes his fellow Americans, calling them stupid, fat bastards who know nothing of the rest of the world. He also insists on using SI units, spelling color with a 'u' and riding in Lorrys, not trucks. Ethan loves to write first drafts of things in another language[2], namely Swedish, because English is for retards and the low, low down-time of his Macs allow him with near-limitless free time in which to pointlessly translate everything to and from his ghey selection of languages.
Ethan hails from the sunny, lemon-infested land of Florida.
lotrgamemast: Smaller, Gayer, European Ethan
Lotrgamemast is Lowter's second-in-command, the literal definition of euro-freak, and the number one fan of sucking Ethan's E-penis. His writing is filled with as much swearing as humanly possible, along with common emo whining and, although currently a Windows user, a true, healthy sexual attraction to the USB ports of a supple, young iMac. This entry into his blog sums up his intelligence rather well:
"From about half and hours testing i found that it was getting a singal but bot turning on."
If England had a confederate, racist, illiterate South, lotrgamemast would live there.
|
Lowter is part of a series on Visit the Sites Portal for complete coverage. |