SHAKTI Stone
The SHAKTI Electromagnetic Stabilizer is the greatest advance in computing and home theater technology since the great Internet Tube (or Internets) Installation of 1905.
The large beveled stone, conceived by SHAKTI Innovations founder Ben Piazza at least 100 years ago, is designed using sound scientistical principles to reduce interference and noise in electronics from the cosmic background radiation that envelops each and everyone of us, including YOU. SHAKTI stones are found everywhere nowadays, from the Pentagon to the Six Apart data center, where a large stone is placed on top of every server and switch.
Benefits
Users of the SHAKTI stone frequently report that it adds one or more of the following qualities to their listening/lulzing experience:
- Authority
- Depth
- Liquidity
- Presence
- Tactility
- Impact
- Warmth
- Focus
- Crispness
- Tonality
- Accuracy
- Adroitness
- Definition
- Ease
- Pace
- Tightness
- Smoothness
- Extension
- Realism
- Width
- Truth
- Enlightenment
- Euphoria
- General Sense of ONENESS with the Universe
- Nirvana
- Egodeath
Controversy
SHAKTI's popularity has not come without criticism. SHAKTI stones are made from a precious and rare material called Shaktium (not to be confused with Shaqtinium, the far less contentious material found in the popular Shaq basketball shoe), which occurs naturally in the clay substrate of Rwanda, Laos, North Korea, and Israel in a form called Colshak. Persistent rumours claiming that the material for the Shakti stone was developed from alien technology stolen from the infamous and super duper top secret Area 51 labs in Nevada have not helped to quell the generally non-audiophile opinion that Shakti's "The Stone" is somewhat, well, evil. A sister project, code named LAKTI, conducted at the far more secretive Area 41 produced a material proving to be acoustically useless yet exhibiting characteristics invaluable in the manufacture of breast pumps.
Colshak miners work dreadful 25-hour days for extremely low wages. However, growing awareness of human rights abuses and war preparations perpetrated on behalf of SHAKTI's suppliers, supposedly involving the use of tactical nuclear weapons and spider monkeys, has started to make things difficult for SHAKTI Innovations.
Some users report receiving threatening transmissions from the star system Alpha Proxima when Shakti's "The Stone" is used in conjunction with the Shakti "On-lines". Anecdotal evidence also exists suggesting that "The Stone", when ingested, produces acute schizoid behavior. Symptoms include, but are not limited to, incoherent babbling about "airy highs, a sweeter mid-range and punchier base" as well as rushing out and spending what amounts to a modest starter home on custom power cables and Rhodium plated interconnects. When confronted by an audiophile in this dangerous and agitated state use extreme caution and avoid, when possible, the use of the words paperweight and Shakti The Stone in the same sentence.
President Bush recently called upon Americans in a nationally-televised speech to boycott SHAKTI stones until the company's support of terrist regimes is curtailed, instead advising desperate audiophiles to turn to the time-honored Monster cable line with 24-karat gold interconnects. Monster cable will soon be available at 7-11 and at coin operated vending machines in a supermarket entrance near you.