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User:Anwar Sadat's Horny Ghost/Cracked
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6 Things Totally Guaranteed To Terrify Your Nightmares
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4 Diatribes Too Short For Two Pages
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5 Totally Unrelated Things With A Misleading Title
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6 Totally Insane Reasons Why Hilarious Badass Site Cracked.com Is Awesomely Better Than The Rest Of The Ridiculous Terrible Internet
By: Richard Mongler November 5, 2024
There are tons of sites that tell jokes on the internet, but very few as successful as Cracked.com. We do this by toning our content down to a tepid lukewarm, and serve it with a faux cutting edge and a side of milquetoast. We spam our content everywhere, and pander to the lowest common denominator. Here's why you lap it up.
#6. We Totally Talk Like You And Stuff
Tired of site that are all professional and legible? You'll get none of that here. We write in a painfully thoughtless way not only because it has gotten us so many views, but also because our third grade education and Korsakoff's syndrome prevent us from writing a sentence that would pass as English to anyone with even a cursory knowledge of the language
Requirements to write "5 Hilarious Reasons Why Lindsey Lohan Is A Poopy Head."
We try our best to hide the sad truth about out utter idiocy by throwing in a non sequitor or two and adopting a personable tone to make it seem like we had a choice in the way we write, instead of being trapped forever by our three hundred word vocabulary. Seven of which are synonym for “Boobs”.
More than a few others mean “Zombie.”
Happily, our viewership are themselves functionally illiterate, so our site is not only a humorless and reductive feeder for liberal cesspit “Huffington Post”, but also a sort of support group, where the roofers and service staff of the world can come to see that they too, might one day write for a site that receives over 90% of it's incoming traffic from Facebook.com
#5. You Get To Hear The Author's Point Of View
I totally hate when you don't know that I'm talking to you as I type words into a white box on a browser. So we encourage all our writers to use the first person to their hearts content. This includes not only my use of “I”, but also the use of “we” to collectively refer to all of Cracked, which is ironic considering most of the authors writing for us are freelance.
"But I totally like it that way, because of all the freedom it allows me."
Sites with standards often frown writers from inserting themselves into articles because readers tend to hate being poked in the eye with the author's schlong every five minutes. We think that viewpoint is shortsighted and antiquated, because the fourth wall only keeps us from forming a personal relationship.
"How come we never go anywhere anymore?"
Any of us who are not currently drunk on a combination of rotgut whiskey and radiator coolant are recovering from addiction to them. And we totally love talking about quitting all the time, and cajoling you into quitting too. Because who knows what's good for you better than a freelance humor writer from the internet equivalent of Family Guy? Our Christmas parties are the more boring than most A.A. Meetings, and it's impossible to tell what we want on our pizza.
"I'm sorry sir, I've talked to three “we” so far, you're going to have to be more specific."
#4. We Put In Lots Of Pretty Stock Images To Look At
We [[File:]] Have [[File:]] A [[File:]] Pretty [[File:]] Firm [[File:]] Grasp [[File:]] On [[File:]] Our [[File:]] Audience, [[File:]] And [[File:]] We [[File:]] Know [[File:]] You [[File:]] Are [[File:]] All [[File:]] In [[File:]] A [[File:]] Middle [[File:]] School [[File:]] Computer [[File:]] Lab.
#3. -- We Help You Find More Of Our Great Articles
We know that you love our content, and we know you want more of it. That's exactly why we make it super easy for your delicate attention span to find all sorts of our other articles by putting them above the article you are reading, beside it, underneath it, and underneath the articles underneath the article you are reading. That way you can avail yourself of all the list based humor you can handle.
In some cases, slightly more.
If you are foolish enough to give us access to your Facebook profile, we can show you what your Facebook friends are reading as well. So remember, if you are reading our award winning article “5 Ways Awesome Buttsex With Animals Can Go Horribly Wrong”, all your friends can read it too, so you have something to discuss while pet shopping.
“So, do you think that could happen to me?” “Naw, gerbils don't have teeth like hamsters do.”
#2. -- We Have User Generated Content
We hate to pay for something we can get for free, which is why we host weekly contests where you can submit your digitally manipulated humorous images for the chance to win the fabulous prize of being called number one on the internet. We'll basically post anything we get on the elaborate side of an image macro, but truthfully, we'll post them too if it's a slow week.
Tineye only cane up with 37 identical images, we've got ourselves a #1!
We also post a weekly Round-Up that reminds you of our fabulous articles as discussed previously, as well as excerpting comments from the featured articles and commenting on the comments. Our comments on your comments on our articles are usually in the form of personal insults or sarcastic refutation of legitimate points raised in the comments section, but which are posted on an entirely different page, because deep down, we hate conflict. It's bad for pageviews.
"Oh no, if we piss off this idiot, how many more could possibly be left?!?"
#1. -- None Of Our Articles Are Strange and Confusing
Sometimes, reading new things can be challenging. We understand this, which is why we have five articles we keep re-writing so you don't know the lyrics while still knowing the song by heart. We have an article about commonly held mistaken beliefs that people seem to like, so we re-write it every couple weeks. The eighteenth version of unsubstantiated movie rumors is doing really well, so I think we'll do another tomorrow.
Lead author: R Click>Synonym
Truthfully, it doesn't really matter how many articles about video game glitches we do, so long as the thumbnail has Tomb Raider's rack in it, we know you'll click it. Sometimes we don't even bother changing the name. Have you seen our article "7 Creepy Urban Legends That Happen to Be True (Part 6)"? Half of them aren't urban legends, just shit we thought up while high and googled.
I think we have a part 7!
Look, we know you just want to read veiled sex puns without having to think while you wait for your erection to come back, and we're here to serve you. We understand that no one wants to be troubled by controversial topics or black humor, and we don't either. That stuff just gets in the way of Cracked.com ad revenue, without which we would have to subside on the ad revenue of eHow.com, creativebug.com, LIVESTRONG.COM, IndieClick.com, Trails.com, GolfLink.com, GardenGuides.com, and DailyPuppy.com. Because we're not a hip, trendy hangout for funny people on the internet, we're really just a small part of a massive company that aggressively panders to the stupid and gullible. Like you.
Richard Mongler is a unfunny hack failure who has quirky interests and lies to women about being famous because he makes lists for the internet.