Brogrammer

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Chip Studley, at his office in Redmond, other hand is down his undies

Brogrammers are manly men who make manly code. Windows 98 and all other bitchin' operating systems were all coded by the fat sausage-like fingers of a brogrammer. Imagine a douchey jock but skinnier and paler and prone to keeping one hand down his pants at all times.

Why are there no girls on the internet?

  1. Women are not smart enough to make code. This is common knowledge.
  2. Women are happy to await the return of their baconmaker while happily making sammiches
  3. The Bible explicitly states that the sole function of women is to serve the sexual and gastronomic needs of the brogrammer. It's right there in Genesis.

This brings up a reasonable question: why would women want to code? The answer is obvious: They don't, it's a sucky and shitty job that usually doesn't pay very well. But feminists keep bringing it up, so we here at ED have to make an article on this crap. Consider yourself "informed", especially since the TOW article about brogrammers is such crap.

Fundamental Character Traits

Yes ladies, you can get sloppy 94ths delivered with bot-like precision!

Brogrammers are only manly men, and since you are a virgin, here are quick tips on how to identify a Brogrammer:

  • His desk will be full of Red Bull or Monster cans and there will be typical mainstream music playing in his speakers. Nicki Minaj makes him hard.
  • He will usually be dressed with either a cool shirt (i.e. one that only a hipster would wear) or a shirt with a drinking joke. Sunglasses will never be missing, not even while working indoors at night.
  • Facial hair is mandatory, hipster fashion statements (tight jeans, ugly shirts) frequently seen
  • Don't you ever expect him to code well or to understand serious languages, all he'll do is poorly written Ruby in conjunction with Ruby on Rails, because that's "the cool language that cool people know".
  • All brogrammers will have the popped collars and fat fingers that are needed for brogramming.
   
“ 		 
Silicon Valley, often held up as the shining future of the American economy, has had its luster tarnished of late by complaints of endemic male chauvinism and misogyny—what Mother Jones in April called the “brogrammer problem”. The problem isn’t new, but many in the industry were embarrassed by fresh examples such as the Klout ad that asked, “Wanna bro down and crush some code?” and the Path executive who bragged of winning a job by submitting pictures from a “nudie calendar” he’d created. If that’s the path to Silicon Valley stardom, critics reasoned, it’s no wonder that Newsweek’s list of the 100 most powerful people in tech was 92-percent male.


 

„
  		 

—--we totally did not make that up

Notorious examples

  • Jack Dorsey and Evan Williams, the two beef-curtains who started Twitter and tried to fire each other
  • Travis Kalanick, founder of Uber and total screaming fucknut
  • Evan Spiegel, creator of Snapchat, says things like “have some girl put your large kappa sigma dick down her throat”
  • Justin Mateen of Tinder, likes to fondle female employees [1] "Wolfe, who had dated Mateen, says he called her a “slut,” a “gold digger” and a “whore,” among other things, and hounded her for details about her personal life long after the two had stopped dating. In text messages included in the complaint, he talked about “middle aged Muslim pigs” and referred to someone else as “that homo.”"
  • Mahbod Moghadam, cofounder of Rap Genius, fired therefrom lol [2][3]
  • And don't forget their patron saint, Michael Arrington, who started TechCrunch and was fired by his own partners lol

See Also

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