O'Reilly James Flowers/Personal Journal of Pales

<O'Reilly James Flowers

Excerpts from http://theshatteredpan.org/wiki/File:Personal_Journal_of_Pales.odt

November 1st, 2011

[A letter I wrote to Nemeses]

My dearest Nemeses,

I would've preferred to do this face to face, but as I’m afraid for both my physical and mental well being, I’ve been forced to use this medium to convey my message. This was a last resort.

This is the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. For years, you’ve been my brother, one of my best friends, one of my most loyal life compAnions, and my most adored partner. I love you so much, and I always will. You’ve done wonderful things for me. You make me laugh, you’re supportive for the most part, and you’ve never left me for very long. I will always value the things you’ve done for me. I will always be grateful for them.

This is why it hurts me so much when I say that we can no longer be in contact. The relationship we have is unhealthy. We fight, say horrible things to each other, and then we get back together like nothing ever happened. It’s too stressful and emotionally agonizing for me to continue to go through.

You’ve done wonderful things for me, Nemeses… but you’ve also hurt me, deeply. You’ve torn me down and harm my self-esteem. You insult my friends, who are so dear to me, and discourage me from hanging out with them. You can be very controlling, and you seem to blame me for a lot of your problems, when I’m not the one at fault. The fact that you talked to Lyron behind my back also unnerves me, as Lyron’s never had the best intentions for anyone but himself. You encourage me to do things that I’m not comfortable with. You’ve tormented me using some of my darkest, most painful secrets, to the point where I was devastated, cutting, and contemplating suicide. And on top of all this, you expect me to be there for you 24/7. I feel like you want all my attention on you.

You’ve also made me uncomfortable discussing my rape with you by insinuating that I enjoyed it, and some of your sexual appetites (particularly the children) make me very nervous because of my past.

You’ve also scared me. You’ve physically threatened me before, and you’ve come at me with weapons. When you get angry, you seem to let your anger control your actions. You get physical with me when you get frustrated with me; it hurts, and I will not be in pain any longer.

I’ve known for a while now that you have Schizoaffective Personality Disorder or something similar that distorts your view of reality. I believe that this compounds the abuse. I would urge you to seek out a therapist or psychiatrist, because many of the beliefs you have are not real. I think you must be aware of this, at least to some extent, because of your inability to kill Shirley, Ivan, or me.

I can no longer trust you. I thought I could, but I think there’s simply been too much damage done. Whenever I’m around you, I’m on edge. I don’t like you walking behind me because I’m afraid you’ll attack me. I don’t like going over to your house because of the sheer amount of weapons over there and the difficulty of escaping the Cave. I don’t like talking on the phone with you because I’m always worrying about what you’re going to say next that’s going to upset me. I can’t be comfortable around you, and furthermore, it’s hurting my family and friends who have to watch me go through this.

So I need you to leave me alone. Forever. Believe me when I say that is one of the most difficult sentences I’ve ever had to write. From now on, do not try and contact me in any way. Try and forget about me. Even when the day comes that you are no longer abusive, understand that I would still be unable to have you in my life, because of the number of times my trust in you has been destroyed.

Unfortunately, I cannot allow us to discuss this, because there’s nothing to discuss. I can’t be with you anymore. A relationship – any relationship – is built on trust, and we no longer have that. We need to be apart. That’s my choice, and I need to be free to make it.

Do not fight me on this. I know it’s difficult, and I know you love me and want to stay in contact with me. But if you truly love me, Nemeses, please accept my decision and leave me be.

It hurts me to say this, it really does… but Nemeses, if you contact me again, I will pursue a protection order this time. I am not bluffing. Please do not put me in a position where I feel I need to do that.

I’m very, very sorry things turned out this way. I’m very sorry for doing this to you. I’m so sorry for the times I’ve neglected you in the past or treated you poorly. I’m sorry if I made you feel used. I wanted to help you, I really did, but I simply cannot remain in this relationship.

I hope one day, you find it in your heart to forgive me.

I love you, and part of me always will. You will always be a family member to me. I believe that you are a good person and that you do have good qualities. I believe you can improve yourself, and become a better, calmer person. I hope you pursue a path that will bring you happiness, health, and peace. Know that I will continue to pray, hope, and believe in you until the day I die.

Please take care of yourself.

With all my love and heartbreak,

Dante

October 2, 2013

[…]

Of course, I can't think of Nemeses without thinking of what he was arrested for. That arrest is my fault. I turned him in for the child porn.

I had to do something.

Those girls were haunting me.

They still are..

[…]

December 2, 2013

[…]

When Nemeses showed me those videos... When I saw her head being blown off... It didn't affect me like the raped kids did...

[…]

Yeah, it sucked. She was screaming and crying and begging and you could just tell it was real. She was a woman about to die. Don't ask me where Nemeses got it. Scummy people have scummy connections.

Her pain's over now. I mean...

The kids getting raped... It was so much different. It was their eyes... Those dead, dead eyes.... It was sick...

I need to stop thinking about this.

I'm depressed enough in the present.

Maybe that's why I'm reminscing. No matter how many dead babies and raped chilren are littered around in my mess of my life... They're gone... Whereas I have to live with the pain of my current life affairs currently.

[…]

1/3/2014

[…]

Nemeses is on the National Sex Offender Watch List. I put him there, and I don't regret it. I'm glad that sick bastard got caught. I hope he's miserable.

He made me watch those little girls get raped. He set up the dynamics in the relationship. He made me powerless.

He made me watch those little girls get raped. Don't care so much about he lady who got her head blown off. She's dead. Her pain is over.

Those girls....

[…]