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WAXLABLTABLER
Introduction
—Wheatarted while discussing this very article. | ||
Waxlabltabler
is a twenty-something internet user known for his obsessive and irrational behaviors while surfing the Internet. Although he himself considers these behaviors to be "cute" and "funny," most of the people he deals with on the web and on IRC consider him to be a creep of the highest order.
Description
Waxlabltabler is a black person that is often confused with a mythical creature, approximately seven feet tall and posessing an evil leer the size of a Greyhound bus grill. He walks with shoulder’s slumped and is known to drive an automobile several sizes to small for a being of such size. It has been speculated that his use of such a small vehicle can be attributed to an attempt at making his penis look larger.
He is commonly known as “Wax” by other denizens of the Internet because of his waxen appearance and also because nobody has ever bothered to attempt saying his full name aloud.
Because of his well known, yet unfounded and ridiculous fear of microbes, it is rather odd that this creature does not take more pride in his shambling, sloth-like appearance. Opting for long, dirty t-shirts and baggy “Fubu” jeans as his natural garb, it makes very little sense that this creature should feel any sort of compulsion in connection with bacterial life. Furthermore, his compulsive neurosis should point to a constant cleaning of his local environment, yet this does not happen. One wonders how a creature can be both insanely aware of bacteriological hazards nearby and yet look like a towering unshaven beast.
Wax appears to enjoy cheap hard alcohol if it is presented to him as a gift. Such gifts are the only way this creature can socialize outside of the Internet due to its lack of a job, lack of money, and general lack of drive. He prefers to beg, borrow, or pester somebody into helping him out in such endeavors.
Irrational Actions and Fears
Some of this creature’s more interesting traits are its phobias. Wax tends to shy away from dogs, germs, and vaginas. It is interesting to note that while Wax shies away from vaginas, he tends to talk incessantly about them. These phobias shall be discussed more thoroughly:
- Dogs
First, it must be noted that Wax often misjudges the friendly wag of a dogs tail as an attempted attack on his own person. While dogs, at times, can be scary, this irrational fear has nothing to do with sharp teeth or claws, but more to do with a dog’s overall lack of cleanliness. Since dogs lick their own asses, eat the feces of other dogs along with their own, and are capable of licking their own junk, dogs tend to give Wax an overall unease when dealing with them. This unease has gone to the point of Wax leaving the domicile of a person who owns a dog…when the dog sits down next to him on the couch.
- Germs
While it has been discussed that Wax has an irrational fear of vaginas and their supposed content of germs, it must also be noted that this fear extends out, away from the human female’s body. Since most of everything you can see, touch, smell, and hear is literally covered in germs, there is no known way to completely sterilize a normal home environment. This does not stop the subject from washing his hands several times a day, inquire about the location of any nearby antibacterial hand soap, wipe the couch he sleeps on with a baby wipe, or obsessively pick at any loose scraps of furniture in his den. Further, Wax expresses an obsessive revulsion to common grass. Witnesses have seen him stop, mumble to himself something unintelligible, and then walk around a two-foot patch of grass.
- Vaginas (also butt holes)
Vaginas are the breeding ground of germs. This is a very simple concept to Wax, and he will go out of his way to “hide in plain sight” when confronted with vagina. Since Wax is convinced that vaginas contain germs, Wax will have nothing to do with them what so ever. It has been noted in several close experiences with Wax that he will go so far as to request “a night out” with “girls” in an effort to seem like one of the guys, when, in fact, everybody knows he is a cop out.
Example:
12:34pm (Wax) hey, lets go to the a titty bar 12:34pm (dan) sorry, no can do. 12:35pm (Wax)TITTAYS TITTAYS TITTAYS TITTAYS!!!! 12:35pm (dan) wax, vaginas have germs 12:36pm (Merk) yeah 12:36pm (Wax) … 12:36pm (Wax) fuck you guys.
Note that the subject does not leave the channel, but rather sits by idle. Hoping that his butthurt will somehow garner him some respect or perhaps germless titties.
Wax and Begging
Wax is renowned in his ability to get on a person’s every last nerve. This uncanny ability usually manifests itself in the form of begging, but can also take the form of his incessant blather concerning any sort of minutia that strikes his fancy at the moment. This section will only deal with Wax’s begging, and this attribute goes outside any sort of ordinary sort of begging. The definition of this behavior defies any commonsensical asking of favors, services or goods. It is a constant droning that sounds somewhat similar to a large and broken chainsaw attempting to rattle its way through a bone located just close enough to one’s jawbone and ear that it also causes fillings and eardrums to noisily fall to the floor.
Wax has tried to refine his begging technique, make it more subtle. This is still annoying and because of it's crude clumsiness, it can be seen from a mile away. Witness how Wax, in denial, still attempts to find pictures of internet titty.
Example 1
9:18:41 Gnarovsky : wax are you an overweight black dude? 9:18:58 Gnarovsky : or is that a joke? 9:20:57 wax : yes i am 9:21:00 wax : that is real 9:22:04 Wheatarted : He's just a sad fat virgin who lusts after girls online that he could never obtain in real life because he's a peasant 9:22:14 Gnarovsky : aww 9:22:15 Gnarovsky : c'mon 9:22:18 Gnarovsky : he didn't need that 9:22:46 Gnarovsky : his Psyche is all outta wack now 9:22:49 Wheatarted : He needs a good lynching 9:22:57 wax : i'm just sad that she's so bitter 9:23:00 wax : it's hilarious 9:24:16 wax : she's been on this kick for awhile 9:24:21 wax : like more than 6 months 9:24:23 wax : it's horrendous 9:24:31 wax : all because i want to see her large breasts 9:24:39 wax : apparently it hurts her feelings 9:24:51 Wheatarted : It doesn't hurt my feelings that you want to see them 9:24:56 Wheatarted : But it hurts yours that I won't show them to you 9:24:57 wax : what then? 9:25:04 wax : ah yes 9:25:10 wax : you say no for absolutely no reason 9:25:12 wax : i'd forgotten 9:25:26 wax : think you'll lose your power? 9:25:32 Wheatarted : I say no becuase I have no want to show them to anyone who isn't my other half 9:25:41 wax : oh yeah 9:25:41 wax : that 9:25:43 ddog_ : THATS ILLOGICAL WHEAT 9:25:46 wax : lol 9:25:56 wax : what would porn stars think 9:26:07 Schmeckatr0n : r u a porn star? 9:26:09 Wheatarted : Well I am not a porn star, so what they think isn't relevant to me 9:26:23 wax : i've got a couple friend 9:26:23 wax : s 9:26:25 wax : lol 9:26:38 Wheatarted : By that he means his left, and right hand 9:26:41 Wheatarted : and sometimes his foot 9:26:52 ddog_ : that's flexibility 9:27:00 Schmeckatr0n tries to reach his crotch with his foot
Example 2
Here is another classic example of Wax begging for tits from a girl who obviously does not want to share them with a Sasquatch.
[13:14] Session Ident: wax ([email protected]) [13:14] <wax> you're not still afraid that i'll make fun of you or spread your pictures around, are you? [13:14] > No I'm afraid cuz you're a big black guy [13:14] <wax> that's nonsense [13:14] <wax> beyond that, what do you mean [13:15] > I am not "afraid" to post my breasts, and I do not hvae low self esteem because I won't show you my breasts..I simply will never show anyone other then jon my breasts because really he's the only one who needs to see them.. [13:16] <wax> im just saying that attracting people who are known for obnoxious criticism might be convincing you to avoid the whole matter [13:16] <wax> i'm left to speculate [13:16] <wax> so i did so [13:16] <wax> can i see them? [13:16] > YOu're not very bright are you? [13:17] <wax> i still dont understand why you care so much about defending that statement [13:17] <wax> bright doesnt have much to do with it [13:17] > I am not defending anything [13:17] <wax> yes you are [13:17] <wax> with all your actions in the category, frankly [13:19] > I am simply telling you that I have no intention or inclination to show people my breasts.. A) because I have morals and values.. and B) because I have self respect [13:19] <wax> both of which are reasons why you shouldnt mind [13:19] <wax> honestly [13:19] > You are retarded [13:19] > seriously [13:19] > you need to get laid [13:19] <wax> i could say the same for you [13:19] > or a lobotomy [13:20] <wax> you act like something's going to change, like your Relationship-o-meter with Jon will be forever altered [13:20] > Even if I was single [13:20] > I would not post them [13:20] <wax> whatever "-o-meter" then [13:20] <wax> your ideals seem false [13:20] > I have been using the interent for 12yrs.. and never once in those 12 yrs have I ever thought to myself "gee..let's show strangers my tits" [13:21] <wax> im not a stranger [13:21] > yeah you are [13:21] > I don't know you.. [13:21] <wax> a guy on a street in a town you've never been to is a stranger [13:21] <wax> i on the other hand, am nothing but truthful to you [13:22] > You are a stranger to me [13:22] > you're no different then some person I pass by on the street
Wax and His Internet Relationships
for new years eve, wax got into the airplane glue and tried to post in #spf. here is what he had to say:
<wax> i like all women <wax> every women <wax> even some men
more rantings. this actually happened:
<wax> still banned <wax> still banned <wax> still banned <wax> still banned <wax> still banned <wax> still banned <wax> still banned <wax> still banned
If you should ever meet up with Wax during your Internet surfing or IRC chatting, you should take extra precautions…especially if you are a girl.
Example:
(8:19pm) Wheatarted : Wax thinks that we have a relationship because we talk online... and he feels I should show him my boobs because we're in a relationship. (8:20pm) Wheatarted : He comes up with all kinds of reasons why I owe him photos of my boobs. (8:20pm) azariel : and he believes them all. (8:21pm) Wheatarted : my favorite one is that I won't show him my tits because I have low self-esteem.
It should be noted that this is not an extreme; Wax is this way with every female he meets on the Internet.
Further Reading
—Don't believe? Get it from the source. | ||
When dealing with Wax, sometimes you have to just throw up your hands and let him speak to nobody in particular for a while. It has been noted that some success can be had (if you are forced to chat while he is around, acting insane) while putting up with Wax's malarkey by simply using one word "short" or sarcastic replies.
Example:
Wax: whats up? azariel: nothing.
Log 1
This log is quoted first as it contains information deemed important to this section and the article as a whole.
10:08:59 wax : i've been so blind for so long 10:09:03 slimchance : because youre head is chin deep in a kfc bucket 10:09:11 slimchance : your 10:09:11 wax : my are head is 10:09:13 slimchance : not youre 10:09:19 wax : YOU MADE A MISTAKE 10:09:21 wax : LET'S FREEZE IT IN TIME 10:09:28 dan : okay
Log 2
Waxlabltabler is now a meme.
10:03:48 dan : every word you said is in it 10:03:48 wax : but not the lines before 10:03:50 wax : or after 10:03:51 dan : every word you said is in it 10:04:03 wax : christ you're lazy 10:04:11 dan : the page isnt about anybody else 10:04:40 slimchance : if he cutpasted everything, it would suck 10:04:48 wax : thats my point 10:04:50 Wheatarted : One big ranting of a madman 10:04:57 slimchance : comedians dont talk about events leading up to a joke 10:04:57 wax : the grounds are tiny 10:05:04 slimchance : they talk about just the joke 10:05:06 wax : yeah they do... 10:05:10 wax : it's called CON TEXT 10:05:15 wax : can you say CON TEXT 10:05:19 slimchance : its called PART OF THE JOKE 10:05:27 slimchance : you stupid fucking retard 10:05:33 dan : i can say this: "you add more to that page every day just by talking" 10:05:35 wax : how you people avoid drowning in the shower is beyond me 10:05:42 wax : i knew you would 10:06:25 wax : whatever you say 10:06:27 slimchance : hurry up and get butthurt and lurk 10:06:35 slimchance : you are funnier when youre not part of the conversation 10:07:39 Wheatarted : Wax the only thing you need is a cardboard box to stand on and a street corner and you'd be right at home spewing crazy for the world to hear 10:07:47 dan : oh god 10:07:48 wax : more to the point, i'll argue whatever issue i have with you on the spot 10:07:49 slimchance : seriously, is eminem just getting big up there? 10:07:51 dan : lolol 10:07:56 wax : rather than doing it in extended metaphor 10:08:19 wax : <Wheatarted> <-- i could say the same to all of you. 10:08:25 wax : whats your REAL point 10:08:27 slimchance : you could 10:08:33 slimchance : but you wouldnt be making sense 10:08:45 slimchance : and thats the wax that i know! 10:08:46 wax : omg you're right 10:08:47 wax : how could i not see it
Log 3
Sure, Wax isn't a douchebag.
[09:36] (dawn): wax whut were you studying before? [09:37] (wax): just gen ed [09:37] (dawn): and have you ever had a girlfriend? [09:37] (wax): lol [09:37] (wax): any other questions [09:37] (wax): yes, but why do you care? what made you ask [09:37] (dawn): do you like watermelon and fried chicken? [09:37] (wax): i prefer trust to distrust [09:37] (wax): which is why i just ask chicks for naked outright [09:37] (dawn): cuz they made it sound like you've never ever had one. [09:38] (wax): i forget about alllllllll the douchebags that girls [09:38] (wax): meet
Log 4
WTF?
[16:34] (wax): my name is Spontrificus J. Hoosenbuffle [16:34] (Gnar): I always thought it was weird your handle was my name [16:34] (Gnar): nice [16:34] (Schmeckatr0n): no wax, your name is Brandon
Log 5
Encyclopedia Dramatica, Racism, Cocoa Butter and Cheese.
8:34:33______ wax : what is E.D.? 8:34:40______ flouch : your new home 8:34:41______ dan : encyclopedia dramatica 8:34:42______ wax : oh wait 8:34:44______ dan : hahahahaha 8:34:59______ wax : i was going to guess erectile dysfunction 8:35:06______ dan : that too wacks 8:35:23______ wax : ... 8:35:32______ wax : too young 8:35:37______ wax : in the morning 8:35:59______ wax : my balls smell like leather 8:36:18______ Aaron : [17:36] <wax> my balls smell like leather <---is that because you're black? 8:37:19______ fayzeshyfft : what do dogs smell like? 8:37:45______ wax : raiseist 8:37:59______ flouch : hahaha 8:38:06______ flouch : WHAT DO PUPPIES SEE? 8:38:52______ dan : wacks, you can level with us because i already know about it...but when only black people are around and no whitey is present...you guys think we smell like wet dogs dont you? 8:39:09______ wax : depends more on the person... 8:39:15______ flouch : i eat a lot of cheese, that would make sesne 8:39:22______ flouch : sense, i prolly stink of mozerella 8:39:44______ wax : motza 8:40:18______ dan : i caught some black chicks talking about it once and later i confronted them. they admitted everything. 8:40:29______ wax : people say it 8:40:35______ wax : but its true of many people 8:40:43______ dan : i laughed and told them that they smelled like cocoa butter 8:40:50______ flouch : you couldn't smell anything on them from all the cocoa butter i bet 8:40:55______ dan : hahaha 8:40:59______ flouch : wow 8:41:00______ flouch : hahaha 8:41:08______ wax : simultaneous racist! 8:41:20______ wax : *hi-five claps* 8:41:28______ flouch : fact is not racist
Log 6
Wax discusses pets...
[09:39] Schmeckatr0n: do you have pets, wax? [09:39] wax: fuck pets [09:39] wax: people are dying [09:39] Schmeckatr0n: yeah, far away [09:39] wax: pets used to try to kill you [09:39] wax: right here in my neighborhood [09:39] Schmeckatr0n: because of old age? [09:40] Schmeckatr0n: or do you live in the ghetto?
Log 7
Even I don't know what he is talking about here...I think he is slipping over the edge.
09:55] Schmeckatr0n: do you have a world you would like to get lost in? [09:55] wax: subtle or extreme [09:55] wax: the real one [09:55] wax: and i already am [09:55] Schmeckatr0n: yeah, we know [09:55] Schmeckatr0n: .... [09:55] wax: you are too [09:55] wax: have a look [09:55] Schmeckatr0n: i am not [09:55] Schmeckatr0n: I left the matrix [09:55] Schmeckatr0n: I am looking from above [09:55] wax: it hasnt left you [09:56] Schmeckatr0n: it is not inside me anymore [09:56] wax: so long as you pay for anything, you're in the matrix [09:56] wax: hate to break it to you [09:56] Schmeckatr0n: i dont agree with that [09:56] wax: the only reason money exists is because unnecessary things are made and paid for [09:57] wax: otherwise, all things necessary would be [09:57] Schmeckatr0n: as long as you are able to pay, you're able to escape the matrix [09:57] wax: good luck working that out [09:57] wax: your position in the matrix may change [09:57] wax: but thats about it
Log 8
More on germs. Bitches and Germs.
10:28:00______ dawn : wax did you leave school because of the germs? : [ 10:28:08______ wax : totally 10:28:11______ dawn : wax is bubbleboy. 10:28:17______ wax : totally 10:28:18______ Masamune : and you're even worse at hitting on bitches on the internet than I am.
Log 9
The final log. He's doing it again, and like I said, I am not going to listen to the bullshit anymore.
9:04:12 wax : i can barely believe this bullshit is real sometimes 9:04:13 dan : one day your in here quoting song lyrics 9:04:21 wax : when 3 years ago? 9:04:28 wax : the fuck? 9:04:35 dan : the next you are going on about some new psychological bullshit to make yourself look like a victim 9:04:41 wax : one day you drowned a polar bear cub 9:04:48 dan : see? 9:04:55 wax : the next you make up stories so vague that anyone can agree with them 9:05:00 Hughnon : Tell you what, Dan. I may be in education and in GB, but I agree with you about Wax. 9:05:05 wax : ONE DAY YOU DID I THING WE DIDNT LIKE 9:05:05 dan : :D 9:05:12 wax : REMEMBUR 9:05:21 wax : ahyuck 9:05:26 kirtan : frotubary 9:05:48 wax : these people are terrible at proving points 9:05:51 wax : let it be known 9:06:01 kirtan : you hating on whitey, son? 9:06:02 wax : terrible at communicating information in any clear fashion 9:06:04 dan : no wax, it goes beyond that, you bugged mer enough that she didnt want to speak to you. you begged and whined and told her your story over andover til she just got tired 9:06:18 dan : and you still did it and made her, and most of us, realize that you are insane 9:06:27 wax : i don't know what to tell you 9:06:36 wax : did you have the internet when you were 19? 9:06:44 wax : thought not 9:06:49 wax : keep judging me 9:07:15 dan : you asked for advice, we gave it to you. you came back the next day and asked for the same advice, we gave it to you. you came back the next 1000 nights and asked advice, we got tired of it and moved on 9:07:36 wax : there was a reason 9:07:39 dan : OH MY LAWS I BE INSECURE... dont give me that crap 9:07:40 wax : whether you liked it or not 9:07:53 wax : <@dan> OH MY LAWS I BE INSECURE <-- what does this mean? 9:08:04 wax : it seems to be missing a word or two, honestly 9:08:23 dan : it means we got tired of hearing about how you wanted/needed something over and over and over 9:08:24 wax : in my experience, people's advice changes as their knowledge changes 9:08:35 dan : not in your case 9:08:52 wax : since yours was basically "don't worry about it, stop asking us." i found it to be insufficient 9:09:15 wax : since everyone i met was "worried about it" and since most of you are 10+ years their age 9:09:17 dan : you only remeber the final 200 times we got tired of hearing about it 9:09:18 wax : with children 9:09:21 wax : and careers 9:09:34 dan : what have you done in the time since? 9:09:35 wax : much unlike the people i interact with daily 9:09:37 dan : nothing 9:09:39 wax : but let's ignore that and cry 9:09:49 wax : about what, exactly? 9:10:07 dan : anything, i dont have to follow your rules. you havent changed one bit 9:10:07 wax : you're trying to discuss this without discussing it 9:10:11 wax : yet again 9:10:22 dan : or, i dont feel the need to do this again
Log 10
9:01:07 azariel: [6:54] <wax> *sneef* 9:01:07 azariel: [6:54] <azariel> sniffs 9:01:07 azariel: [6:54] <wax> I SMELL NOTHING! 9:01:07 azariel: [6:55] <wax> YOU WIN! 9:01:07 azariel: [6:55] <azariel> cuz you need to get some pussy 9:01:07 azariel: [6:55] <azariel> go out 9:01:07 azariel: [6:55] <azariel> retard 9:01:07 azariel: [6:55] <azariel> get drunk 9:01:07 azariel: [6:55] <azariel> fuck someone 9:01:07 azariel: [6:55] <azariel> and stop being a retard 9:01:08 azariel: [6:55] <wax> retard 9:01:09 azariel: [6:55] <azariel> no u 9:01:10 azariel: [6:55] <wax> STOP BEING A RETARDED RETARD, RETARD 9:01:11 azariel: [6:55] <azariel> no u 9:01:12 azariel: [6:55] <wax> i be all like "hey baby, i want yo poosee" 9:01:12 azariel: [6:56] <wax> and they be like "ok" 9:01:14 azariel: [6:56] <azariel> and you pooosie out 9:01:15 azariel: [6:56] <wax> riiiiiiiiight 9:01:16 azariel: [6:57] <azariel> wax. stop talking. i've known you for years. stop making excuses. stick your dick in a woman or stfu 9:01:18 azariel: [6:57] <azariel> i swear to god i want to hit you 9:01:19 azariel: [6:57] <wax> i do not pussy out 9:01:20 azariel: [6:57] <azariel> ... 9:01:21 azariel: [6:57] <wax> im used to direct women 9:01:22 azariel: [6:57] <wax> and many arent 9:01:23 azariel: [6:57] <azariel> same ol shit 9:01:23 azariel: [6:57] <wax> or arent interested 9:01:25 azariel: [6:58] <azariel> keep talking...
Log 11
Wax's boobs are the envy of the internet...
«10:50:03» JohnnyRoyale: ok, which irc chicky's titties would you like to fondle the most? «10:50:29» acefire: mers «10:50:30» JohnnyRoyale: I am thinking wax. I don't normally go black but I know they are huge «10:50:32» acefire: and thats about it «10:51:37» jen: is was a bigger fella? «10:51:40» dan: hahahahahahaha «10:51:40» jen: and wax «10:52:00» JohnnyRoyale: 6'6" right? «10:52:20» jen: with boobies?
Video Example
Wax is not Tay Zonday. They are both black, but Wax is much larger.
See Also
External Links
Dogs
Germs
- "My earliest memories of OCD were of germs."
- My head has germs???
- Other symptoms of OCD include the classic symptoms of fear of dirt or germs.
- People with OCD worry excessively about dirt and germs and become obsessed with the idea that they are contaminated or contaminate others.
- Signs there may be a problem.
Vaginas
- / OM NOM NOM NOM
- They made a movie about this stuff.
- Wait, somebody thought it would be a good idea to make TWO movies about this stuff.
Whining and Crying
|
WAXLABLTABLER is part of a series on |
| People |
| Cancerr • WAXLABLTABLER • Pyromaniac Guy • Zombies Make me Hot |
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