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Two Worlds
Two Worlds aka "Ari from Chicago" aka "Ariel Campos" aka "12 Herbs and Spices" is a goon and carefag best known for sperging out and being permabanned from the Something Awful forums.
Two Worlds was called out by Helldump multiple times, before its demise (RIP), for being an ultimate sperglord. He has a LiveJournal account where he discusses, in detail, his belief in the "Ariel Mythos." He actually believes that he is a character in a comic book and that he has multiple personas as part of the "Arielverse." He calls himself "two worlds" because he believes he is the only person who is able to exist in two forms, as an "Internet" person and a normal person. Normal people, of course, are people with no secrets or weird fetishes, they go to church, have 9 to 5 jobs and never use the Internet outside of basic things like email.
The tale of his sperging was made epic after a group of SA goons on Skype recorded calls with Two Worlds where he cried over being called a carefag by a curvy goonette, went into detail about his then-girlfriend's stinky vagina, talked about wanting to cross meat swords with Daniel Craig (no homo) and his small penis. The calls were made over several months in the summer of 2009 where Two Worlds spilled his guts for epic lulz.
—Two Worlds | ||
The Arielverse
The Arielverse, as described in Two World's LiveJournal, is a series of comics written on Keystone Earth whose main character is Two Worlds. Within Two Worlds there are up to 6 personas. The Brute, who is the sexual persona with deviant fetishes. The Tempest, when Two Worlds is angry he becomes violent comotion of sperg. The Saint is when he is being a good Confessional Lutheran boy. Partyman once a single mixed drink is consumed he becomes the sperg of the party. The Puppetmaster is what he becomes when he's trying to hatch an evil scheme on someone. Mr. C is now presumed dead. This is his teaching persona that left him in the middle of class, resulting in a self described dementor attack and why Two Worlds got fired from his first job as a teacher.
—Two Worlds' LiveJournal | ||
This is also key to understanding the origin of why he calls himself Two Worlds. There are two distinct worlds in the Arielverse. There is Homo Lumen and Homo Cthoni, Upper Worlders and Under Worlders. People who go to Walmart, have a home, a car, 2.5 children, have jobs, go to school, be a normal person in society are Upper Worlders and don't use the Internet. He also believes that Upper Worlders don't know what true suffering is since their lives are so perfect and normal. Under Worlders are people who know Internet culture. Under Worlders are also the dregs of society like prostitutes, goths, drug dealers, punks and other subcultures. They cannot have an Upper Worlder existance at all. Only Two Worlds can span both of these worlds, hence the name.
—Two Worlds' LiveJournal | ||
Two Worlds will explain that he can be conservative and liberal at the same time, since he is of Two Worlds. Even in a discussion on gay marriage, he will use this excuse to illustrate how he is both for and against. Yet, he will become completely disgusted if anyone suggests that his sexuality and gender could be of a binary nature. Or even how pre-op transexual women would be perfect for him, since they too are stuck between two worlds.
Ariel believes that the authors of his life reside on Keystone Earth (real Earth). And every major event in his life has a particular author. Naturally, he refers to periods of his life as story arcs. Unpleasent experiences that happened in one story arc will be conveniently retconned. For example, he tried to hit on a retarded girl at a chess club meeting, that has now been retconned. One recent soon-to-be retconned experience is when he committed infedelity with a married pregnant woman while in the backseat of a truck being driven by another girl.
Ariel believes that people in his life are nothing more than mere figments of his imagination, since we're on Earth-959 (imaginary Earth). He uses this as a shield for when people say hurtful things about him, and will remind them that they are only figments on his imagination and aren't even real.
Obviously, comic books play a big role in Ariel's creation of the Arielverse. X-men characters make frequent appearances in his life, as chronicled in his LiveJournal. During a break down as a teacher in front of his students, he started crying because the dementors were attacking him and his 6th Persona (Mr. C) had left him, he made a quick call to Profressor Xavier. Normally Professor X brings Ariel the dream helm, but this time the X-Men were too busy due to a S.H.I.E.L.D helicarrier being hijacked in Australia. Another time, Scott Summers (Cyclops of the X-men) was making small talk with Ariel outside the X-men mansion. Ariel recounted how even Scott Summers thought he was strange after the conversation.
Also he will write his own fanfiction in his LiveJournal. Once he wrote the story of him losing his virginity as told by his own students represented by a picture of Dakota Fanning:
—Two Worlds' LiveJournal | ||
90% of his LiveJournal has to do directly with The Arielverse. There are times when he writes about the Arielverse as though you're reading a Comic Book Trade magazine. A single LiveJournal entry was dedicated to interviewing people on Keystone Earth about how no one could believe that the authors were going to kill off the greatest comic book hero of all time. Some saw this as his suicide note. He has yet to complete the task.
Printouts of these LiveJournals are kept with him. These are probably his most prized possessions. When he moved out of his mother's house, the print outs needed to be moved as well. He instructed his family to cover every mirror in the house, including reflective surfaces like TVs. Afterwards, he instructed them to turn their backs to the house and not look until he gave the all clear. The printouts of his LiveJournal have the same power of the arc of the covenant. Even the comic book character The Watcher was present for the momentus event of Ariel moving the printouts and finally moving out of his mother's house.
Background
Ariel Campos is a major momma's boy who grew up on the mean streets of Rolla, Missouri. He was a crazy antisocial geek from a young age. He made a promise to himself in the 8th grade, after being sent to the principal's office for sexually harassing girls, that he couldn't swear until he lost his virginity and couldn't cry until he had sex. He would replace swear words with other words like "fark" instead of fuck, "ninja" instead of nigga or black person, kitty instead of the word pussy, etc. There were some exceptions, such as being able to say "Go yiff in hell you fucking furfag." But the exceptions were pretty inconsistent.
He's known for his disgusting habits like never bathing, brushing his teeth, washing clothes, etc. He took not washing clothes to the extreme by having a dedicated "spank sock" that he never washed. He didn't see why you'd need to wash something that you only came in. This sock is still stored in a box at a relatives house, unwashed.
For a while he wished he was gay. He believes that all gay men are attractive and have lots of friends, and he'll have girls falling over him wanting to be his fag hag. But at the same time he is vehemontly against homosexuality and swears he is not gay.
Although he claims to be in between the two worlds of the Internet and the real world, no one has more cross over between lives. Most people probably keep their Internet postings and general Internet shenanigans out of conversation with real life friends. Ariel does not do this. He talks about Something Awful on his Twitter and Facebook. He uses memes in real life. He even goatsed everyone on his Facebook once. Even when talking to regular people, not on the Internet, he'll still use memes like "an hero," "tl;dr," :smug:, etc.
Some of his fetishes are publicly known, such as lactation porn, BBW, pregnant porn, water sports, underdeveloped girls, feet is a huge one, etc. The girl he lost his virginity to could have been mistaken for a Norse monster, but some women who are less fat he will refuse to date because he says that they waddle, and are thus "the bad type of fat." Even though he would love to piss on a girl, he would never let a woman piss on him because it would be disgusting. Another sensitive area for him is a girl who would touch below his balls. He firmly believes that if a girl touched his peckered asshole and he enjoyed it, he would be gay.
He is known for constantly sexually harassing women, especially non-Lutheran women. If a girl is non-Lutheran he has no problem asking them to make homegrown for his own personal enjoyment. When he's mad at you and you're a female he will threaten to masturbate to your photos, which he saves from Facebook and AwfulYearBook. This stems from his belief that only non-Lutheran women enjoy sex. On the other hand, Lutheran women derive no pleasure from the act and only like to knit, not being sarcastic.
For quite some time, he has bragged about his prowess as a drinker. In college, he would drink Smirnoff Ice. If anyone would call him out on this, he'd fill up a bottle with water and make everyone watch him slam it. Everyone knew he was drinking water. After college, he will brag about how he got completely trashed after drinking 3 cocktails, he thought that was a lot.
For good reason he has been described as the Gooniest Goon to have Gooned across the Gooniverse.
He has two siblings. His sister is a stripper that he believes was taken by body snatchers because he started to become attarcted to her.
He attended college for far too many years at University of Missouri — Rolla (now Missouri S&T) where he graduated with a degree in history and got his teaching certificate. He then moved to Decatur, Illinois to teach at a Lutheran private high school.
As a teacher, Two Worlds was a complete failure — much like everything in his life. He would often be easily overpowered by his students and lose complete control of the class. Even a class of two students he couldn't control. This was probably because they knew he was a loser 25-year-old virgin speglord. In the end, some of the students who actually wanted to learn complained and his contract was not renewed.
So now that he was unemployed, he got to spend even more time on the Internet and somehow landed a hambeast of a girlfriend. This beast named Katie actually had sex with him, of course, he didn't consider he actually lost his virginity until the third time they "made love" because he hadn't came before then. This is because he has a condition called Phimosis where his dick is entrapped in his foreskin, it's about 3 inches long when hard and Katie's vagina was a cavernous wreck. They would stick various household objects into her, such as cellphones, salt shakers, remote controls, etc. Not to mention the putrid stench that came from her pussy he described was akin to "opening the tombs of the Pharaohs. WHOOOSH!!"
The moment he actually lost his virginity was difficult for him to determin. He didn't count the first 4 times they had sex since he didn't cum or they didn't both cum. He was having problems staying hard. He believed that pussy juices had numbing agents in them. On the 5th try, he jacked himself off and stuck his dick inside her the moment he came. He let out a long awaited "fuck," which he immediately posted on Facebook. He also called people from middle school who didn't remember who the fuck he was to tell them he had mated with a woman.
—Two Worlds' LiveJournal | ||
Katie told him she had sex with eleven guys before him but he refused to wear a condom when having sex with her. He believed he wouldn't get an STD because she was infertile and he was scared someone might see him buy condoms and he would be mortally embarassed. He was also conerned about finding condoms in a small enough size. He refused to get tested for STDs as well. He fears that a nurse or doctor will tell someone at his church and he will be shunned by upper worlders.
He loves for people to give him advice but he never takes it, only getting himself into constantly worse situations and then crying like a baby when shit hits the fan.
Eventually, Katie dumped him and he got a job as a pizza delivery boy. Now he works at a library.
Although Two Worlds clearly has mental problems, he has only visited a therapist a few times. Normally he would skip appointments and never tell the therapist what was truly bothering him. Two Worlds said that the therapist was an upper worlder and would never understand the problems of the underworld, much less be able to help someone who could cross both worlds. After a short period of time, the therapist didn't think he could provide any help and referred Two Worlds to an actual psychiatrist. After one visit he never went back because it required getting a blood test done before any medication could be perscribed. He compares his insanity to having a cold and thinks he's getting better.
Something Awful Career
Before being permabanned for being creepy, Two Worlds was a proud member of Something Awful. He took his posting career very seriously, to the point of calling out Helldump and challenging them. He called himself the defender of GBS and goons.
— Two Worlds | ||
This resulted in many lulz and several call out threads where Helldumpers tore apart his LiveJournal and exposed him.
He went to Goon Meets where he proved to be the most awkward goon in a sea of awkwardness. When he was at a Chicago goon meet, he just jumped into a taxi at a stop light instead of flagging them down because "that's how they do it in GTA 4."
A set of goons that pitied him invited him to their Thanksgiving meal. They took him to a club where he preceded to make a "two worlds" symbol with his hands in every photograph (a peace sign on one hand, three fingers up for W on the other).
— Two Worlds | ||
Two Worlds discusses his Helldump post in his LiveJournal:
—Two Worlds |
Two Worlds was finally permabanned by mod Aybraham in his own mod challenge thread. Two Worlds begged the mod to allow him to enter the "Goon Love is the Best Love" challenge where goons went on dates with other goons. Because it was after the event had started, Aybraham gave Two Worlds his own thread with his own challenge to go on a date and post results or risk getting banned. If he won, he would have gained trolling immunity and Ayb said he would apologize for not believing in the Arielverse.
In the end, it was not a lack of completing the challenge the permabanned him. A damning essay written by one of the goons from Skype about Ariel's level of insanity got him banned for being Two Worlds.
—Two Worlds | ||
Recently, an account registered on the forums as "12 Herbs and Spices" and posted a single thread in Ask/Tell entitled: "Tell me about Phimosis: A weird penis problem". This thread is believed to be Two Worlds or an impersonator who sounds a hell of a lot like him. The account posted pictures of Two Worlds' penis and talked about the many problems he has.
—Two Worlds | ||
The Brute
—Two Worlds' LiveJournal |
Selected LiveJournal Quotes
Two Worlds Loses His Virginity
—Two Worlds |
Spreading The Word
Two Worlds also wrote about how he spread the word to his friends about losing his virginity. He wrote his own fanfiction about part of it. Although I suspect the first two are true.
—Two Worlds, Facebook | ||
—Two Worlds, Facebook | ||
—Two Worlds, LiveJournal | ||
The Inner Helldump In His Head
—Two Worlds, LiveJournal |
