Troubleshooting

When in the course of human events, it becomes abundantly clear that your computer has fucked up royally, is generally not making any sense, is going slower than something that goes really, really slow, telling you about all those silly runtime errors and is generally (Not Responding) a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation of the computer plug from the wall and throw it out the window, letting it fall onto the head of some unsuspecting passerby. Ouch.

Troubleshooting IRL

Before you engage in negligent manslaughter or worse, maybe you should take some time to engage in some basic troubleshooting.

Easy Solutions

Is your computer running?

If the answer is yes, you'd better catch it.

If the answer is no, try turning it on.

Your computer isn't coming on.

I fail to understand how this is any of my concern.

Is your computer plugged in?

If the answer is yes, please unplug the computer and throw it out the window, letting it fall on the head of some unsuspecting passerby.

If the answer is no, plug in your computer.

Is your monitor turned on?

If the answer is yes, please take a shotgun, load and cock the firearm, aim it at the general direction of the screen and discharge the shell into your screen.

If the answer is no, press the on/off button.

You have pressed the on/off button and it still does not work.

Yeah, what's your point?

How do you make it work?

Jesus Christ, don't get so uptight. Okay...

Have you plugged in the monitor?

If the answer is yes, turn to page 42.

If the answer is no, plug in your monitor and press the on/off button.

You stand in a cave with a great green burdleblatt. You are armed with a sword and nothing else in your inventory. What do you do?

If the answer is Attack, roll the green die.

if the answer is Magic, you suck because you have no magic.

If the answer is Escape, you cannot, due to the fact that you are in a cave.

If the answer is WTF?, go onto the next question.

Sorry about that.

Okay, don't let it happen again.

Is your monitor plugged up to your computer?

If the answer is yes, cast "magic missile".

If the answer is no, plug in your monitor.

If the answer is GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH IN A HANDBASKET WITH WHORES!, quit your goddamn whining and answer the question.

Turn on your computer.

Has it loaded yet?

If the answer is no, keep waiting.

Mind if I run and get a snack?

If the answer is yes, Great! What do you want?

If the answer is no, Great! What do you want?

If the answer is Go get a big cup of STFU, watch your mouth. I don't have to do this.

No, really. What do you want?

>Hookers and Blow.

He runs into the kitchen. Minutes later, you hear from the kitchen "I don't see any Hookers and/or blow! How about an energy drink?"

>Take drink

The drink is in the kitchen!

>Goto kitchen

I don't understand "Goto".

>Kitchen

You stand in your kitchen. A horrible stench comes from the sink because you haven't washed dishes in about a month. You have only been living there a week. All the cabinets are open. An energy drink is on the counter.

>take drink

You take the drink and return to the computer. Windows still has not loaded.

>Sip drink.

The drink was poisoned. You're dead. Not 3 seconds later, I steal your computer. Your score was 2 out of 3. Not bad.

>Get the strategy guide.

See Also

• Computer

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