Online Blackjack

Online Blackjack
is part of a mini-series concerning
Online Gambling.

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Gambling addicts and experts will tell you there is no faster way to have your wallet removed than the game of Blackjack. Despite knowing this fact, they will still allow themselves to sit down in front of a personal computer, and have their financial world crushed in a manner so rapid and so soul demolishing, they hardly have time to blink their watering eyes. Blackjack, online or offline, is often described as "a game of chance where the gambler plays against the dealer (who is a representative of the “house”) and tries to achieve a “21” without going over," but in reality, it is just like giving your PIN number and debit card to a junky.

The Game

The progression of a compulsive gambler. For blackjack, increase this rate of failure x100.

There are a few differences between IRL blackjack and online blackjack. Below is a list of how online blackjack differs from IRL:

The House can use any number of decks to deal from. IRL blackjack tables use from 6 to 8 decks, online they can use any number of decks and shuffle them on every hand.

Card counters have to use super computers and sophisticated programs called “blackjack calculators” to keep track of those decks. If the House shuffles on every hand, you might as well throw that counting computer out the window…it just isn’t going to work.

No matter how skilled you are and how lucky you are with cards, blackjack statistically will eventually lead you to zero.

Online blackjack is more painless than IRL blackjack. You can actually SEE dollars disappearing when you are at a table.

No IRL tits when you play online. Dealers are algorithms, not hot chicks.

The Rules

A "natural" blackjack. These don't mean anything anymore, but they used to payout a lot better.

Jack Nicholson is a well known blackjack enthusiast. But he has loads of money to lose, you don't.

There are virtually no differences between IRL blackjack and online blackjack when it comes to rules. The game is set up so that the dealer, over time, will overcome any strategy or angle to effectively eliminate any money you might have in your PayPal account E-Wallet. Despite this well known reality, players will insist that the rules of the game be posted here. So be it. The object of the game is to get a higher card total than the dealer. To do this, the player adds up the face value of his cards against the total face values of the dealers cards. Even though the game’s title suggests that there is a significance to what the card’s suit is, there really is no importance given to whether the card is a Club, Spade, Diamond, or Heart…unless you are OCD about such things and want a “real blackjack (a Jack of Clubs or Spades and an Ace of Spades).” The card’s face value are as follows:

2 through 9 are worth their respective face value. For example a Six of Clubs is worth “6.”

Tens, Jacks, Queens, and Kings are all worth ten. For example, a Jack of Hearts is worth “10.”

All Aces in the deck are worth one or eleven depending on the other cards you have. You can choose which it will be, but generally speaking, if you have a Queen and an Ace, you don’t want your Ace to be worth one.

Going over 21 is quite common in blackjack due to player ineptitude, House cheating, and bad luck. When a player goes over 21, it is called a “Bust" or “Busting out.” When a player goes over 21 and then begins to start dancing, it is called “Busting a move.” When a player busts, the round is over for him or her and they must play again to receive new cards. Since a player has already put his or her credit card number into the online blackjack site, they can receive credit to play again, or leave the table. Because the game moves so quickly, it is a rare thing to see somebody leave.

As if blackjack it self isn't a facepalm enough, they now give you credit cards to play.

At the beginning of a round of blackjack, cards are dealt alternately to the player and the dealer. Once the two initial cards are received by the player (one face down, one face up), he or she then has a decision to make. He has to decide whether he wants to “Hit” or to “Stay.” Staying means that they don’t want any more cards. Hitting means that they want more cards from the dealer. If a person’s original face value total was 12, they would probably want a Hit from the dealer. If a person’s original face value total was 21, they should not want a Hit from the Dealer, but should prefer to Stay. If a person’s original face value total was 457, they probably have been sharing Hits off a doobie with the dealer and should discontinue game play.

The dealer has two rules that it must follow. When the dealer displays its cards, both are face up so that the player can see what it has. If the dealer has 16 or lower, the dealer must Hit itself. If the dealer has 17 or higher, it must stay and take no further cards. The dealer will keep hitting as long as all of its card’s total face value is under 17.

Once all of the hitting and staying have been resolved, the card’s face values will be compared. The player with the highest total face value wins. If the dealer wins, your bet, or what is called an “Ante” is taken. If, in the rare case that the player wins, the dealer pays back 1 to 1. That means that if a player anted two dollars, their payout for beating the dealer will be two dollars. There are only two odds to ever remember when playing online blackjack; the first is that if a player receives an Ace and a card worth Ten on the initial deal, they have what is called a “Natural” and will be paid 3 to 2. That means three dollars are won for every two dollars bet. The second set of odds that a player must remember is that more than any other game, blackjack is weighed towards the house. It is a zero sum game that will eventually lead you to selling your plasma so that you can pay for another game.

Winning and Ties

What you are most likely to see.

Winning in blackjack gives the player a short term sense of euphoria that only beating a machine can give. This sense of euphoria is fleeting and has been compared to the effects of crack cocaine, only lasting a shorter term and being more expensive. To achieve this sense of euphoria, the player must have a higher face value total than the dealer without going over twenty one.

For the dealer to win, usually all it has to do is sit and wait for the player to commence hitting until he or she busts. However, sometimes the dealer will automatically have a 21 and all player games are lost…or at best, a “Push.”

In the odd occurrence where both the dealer and the player tie, this situation is called a “Push.” If a Push occurs, the money remains on the table and a new game is dealt. Since online blackjack is dealt from any number of decks, the incidence of a push happening should go up, but since online blackjack is a scam, they don’t.

Strategy

You might even fail before you get to the blackjack site.

Old school blackjack calculator. They didn't back then, they don't help now.

It only takes common sense to realize that playing a game that eventually will lead you to zero dollars is a non-strategic way to play any online game of chance, yet there are some holdouts who insist that you can win at internet blackjack. Logic dictates that if you have a 16 or lower and the dealer has a 17 or higher, you must hit to win. Illogic dictates that you will always get a ten card and bust, but hardcore players always insist that they have “good chances” at getting that magical five card and get a 21. By just taking a look at the way the deck is set up and the number of cards that actually go against your favor, you can see that your chances of seeing a card that is five or less are massively stacked against you. Nevertheless, some players swear by gimmicks and tricks that they have learned IRL and attempt to apply them in an online blackjack setting. These include card counting (see below), using tips books, and adhering to strategy guides. What they don’t realize is that once blackjack went online, all of those things became obsolete.

Card Counting

Your odds on getting a "BJ" are quite small.

Gone are the good old days when you could go to a casino and get your legs broken for you if you were caught counting cards. Now, in the fast paced world of online blackjack, internet casinos actually factor in the amount of card counting that can be done and prepare for it. By using multiple decks, shuffling every time, and controlling how the cards are dealt, internet blackjack gives the player who uses a blackjack card counting computer a sense of confidence and skill that will only lead them to lose more money in the long run. Counting players use the term “penetration” to describe how many cards are dealt out of a deck before the deck is again shuffled. Once a deck is shuffled, penetration goes back to zero. Since online gaming sites are all about making money, they will fish in a player who counts cards by letting them win a few hands and upping the penetration into the deck, then slowly turn the tables on them and finally put them out of their misery by repeatedly re-shuffling the deck on every hand and screwing up card counting software. Counting cards while playing online blackjack is like playing Russian roulette with a Howitzer.

Scandal, Legality, Boogie Men

Since the game is a scandal in itself, there is very little information concerning any online betting scandals to have rocked the internet blackjack community. Most scandals that actually do involve the blackjack community do not involve the game itself, but rather the parasites that like to feed on players who have a glimmer of hope. Strategy books, counting software, “Tips sites,” and “Idiot’s Guides” are all a bunch of trash that cost blackjack players millions per year. None of them mention the fact that you will eventually be totally broke and none of them mention that blackjack is the fastest way to do this.

Legalized Slot Blackjack

Some states want to put these in bars.

While most players of online blackjack clutch at the tiny scintilla of expectation that they will eventually get the “big win” and leave a game rich, most law making agencies are more rational (how’s that for crazy?). Several states are embroiled in drawn out legal battles concerning the legalization of bar top blackjack machines that are basically online blackjack in an arcade game format. These games can even be networked to sites hosted where gambling is legal. Whenever politicians, gambling, and the internet are involved, the odds of a scandal increase at an insane rate. In the case of online blackjack this sort of scandal involves disappearing money that was supposed to be used for funding state education. If that is the case and what is supposed to happen with the money, why do I get asked for a new school levy every time a new ballot comes up?

Should You Wish to Participate

Deadbeat gamblers make it illegal for all the rest of us, responsible, caring people.

The following states do not allow any form of gambling aside from state run games of chance, blackjack slots or sites in particular:

Michigan
Illinois
Louisiana
Oregon
Washington
Wisconsin
Indiana
Nevada
South Dakota
New Jersey
New York

To avoid legal complications owing to the Safe Ports Act and the Wire Act, most internet gaming sites will not allow gamers from the United States to play their online games. However, there are ways around this. Proxies can be used to hide the country of origin of a player. Or, you could be lucky enough to be from a state that is not listed above. Even still, here is a list of sites that will allow players from the United States. Please note, any site that will allow this sort of thing is NOT reputable and you are taking your life into your own hands by going to one of these places and spending your money there. Still, in the spirit of LULZ, they are listed below on the off chance that some EDiot or visitor will actually go there and lose their shirt.

In the good old days, blackjack dealers looked like this.

Some online casinos attempt to spice up game play by offering "nude games." They show you buttugly chicks and still take all your money.

Some interfaces dispense with real women entirely.

Some gambling sites dispense with your money entirely.

1st Web Online Casino
777 Dragon Casino
7 Sultans Casino
All Poker Casino
All Slots Casino
Arthurian Casino
Blackjack Ballroom
Captain Cooks
Caribbean Gold
Casino Kingdom
Cinema Casino
Crazy Vegas Casino
Desert Dollar
English Harbour
Fortune Room
Gaming Club
Golden Tiger
Jackpot City Casino
King Neptune's
Lucky Emperor
Lucky Nugget
Maple Online Casino
Millionaire Casino
Platinum Play
River Belle Online Casino
Royal Vegas Casino
Silver Dollar Casino
Slotland
Strike It Lucky (Flash)
Sun Vegas Casino
Super Slots Casino
Trident Lounge Online Casino
Vegas Palms Casino
Vegas Towers Casino
Vegas Villa Online Casino
Virtual City Casino
Yukon Gold Casino
Vegas USA Casino
Wild Jack Casino
Zodiac Casino

Should you wish to attempt to beat the system, and you are from one of the states listed above, get yourself a proxy and Google for those terms.

Voodoo

Example of a blackjack program. They are not designed to help you win, but rather, to take your money.

Yet another example of a scam program.

Voodoo is a term used by online blackjack players to describe a strategy, be it real or be it imagined, that will allow a player to win at 21. By using programs that utilize a form of card counting, or an algorithm that determines the odds of the next card, they feel that they can beat the house. This gives some of these guys a “techish,” nerdy, or perhaps “educated” appearance, but what it boils down to is a belief in a failed system because the house has already factored counting into the grand scheme of the game. Here is a good example of Voodoo programming.

Psychics

Yes, in this day and age where most forms of organized religion are frowned upon and often openly ridiculed, blackjack gamblers get away with believing in ghosts, boogie men, and….psychics. I don’t think they deserve a free pass. Here is a small sample from this superstitious pack of degenerates that give the word "desperation" full meaning.

	“	I found with my own psychic ability I can predict the dealers card value and suit approximately one time in 52....	„
	—Forum user Brock Windsor

	“	When given an Ace as a first card, I can mentally steer a ten my way almost one third of the times.	„
	—Same thread, user named shadroch.

	“	Yes. I have used an expert with psychotronic pendulum to preselect my choice of casinos from a list for the day.	„
	—Still same thread, it just keeps getting better.

	“	Wait a second I'm having a premonition... It is coming clear to me... Wait... Wait... DARN, never mind, it’s clear to me now, you are gonna lose. Oh Well better luck next time.	„
	—Yes, better luck next time.

It must be noted that this thread goes on for another full eleven pages of gambling addicts discussing how they win through the power of their minds. In fact, the whole message board is full of sad losers trying to figure out ways to beat a machine.

Free Online Blackjack

What’s the point?

Quotes

	“	As I see it, as any computer program can be programmed to react in a certain way, then the chances of winning are completely wiped out?	„
	—This guy is too smart to be playing online blackjack

	“	I have won money at several online casinos and lost at several others and IN MY OPINION everything seems legit.	„
	—I love it when somebody says “legit.”

	“	before i ask, i will admit that i am not the sharpest tool in the shed; why would you play where you have no chance at gaining an advantage?	„
	—You sound kinda smart, actually.

	“	I recently discovered that a friend of mine made serious money playing poker online. Poker has never been my vice - I'm much more blackjack man, so I though "hell, if he can...."	„
	—Your friend was lying to you.

	“	There are some states that allow you to put yourself on a self-ban list, which requires a formal request, not an idle comment. But, if you continue to play in a casino, I don't believe any casino has been found liable.	„
	—This formal request requires an expensive lawyer.

	“	They knew I was going for days without eating or sleeping, I would pass out at the tables. They had a duty of care to me. Nobody in their right mind would gamble for four or five straight days without sleeping.	„
	—Arelia Taveras, a compulsive gambler who is bringing a 20 million dollar lawsuit because she is stupid.