Magic

A briefly popular trading card game/pedo ring/money laundering front that consists entirely of trying to get as many elves into play as possible so that you can "summon" your Alpha edition 'Force of Nature' card, in order to justify the $200 you spent on a piece of cardboard.

Wizards of the Coast does not endorse racism in any way, shape or form.

All basement dwellers own Magic cards, even if they do not play it anymore. All basement dwellers have played Magic religiously at some point during their life.

Variations

There are, in fact, many variations on Magic based on what color of cardboard you decided to waste your money on the most.

Green - Forests and Elves provide green mana to fuel rampaging fungi, furries, and all sorts of retarded but boring shit. Only needs one 'Forest' and a handful of elves, but requires between the same $200 cards that have over 9000 trample, hexproof, haste, or other bullshit ability. You need a new set every rotation. Also the only color anyone's girlfriend plays. PROTIP: Blue and Green are the only colors the faggots who want to win play.
Red - Sacrifice 'Rukh Egg', get a free 4/4 Flying creature. Color is usually forgotten about by good players and played mostly by newfags and poor people because the entire deck costs as much as a top tier pokemon deck. Can sometimes manage to win because there is no thinking involved.
Burn - Two card deck. Twenty mountains, and 4 copies of ten identical cards with different names, all which deal 3 damage for one mountain as an instant. Please note: This is the equivalent to hacking in Magic, and noone will ever play with you again unless you go to an official Magic event and people are forced to play with you
White - This color is usually played by white supremacists who, when not spending their money on crack, heroin, and bibles, buy cheap flimsy cardboards to use as rolling papers. Being racists, they always buy white Magic cards. This is how Wizards of the Coast, inc. makes 85% of their money. The other 15% comes from pimping teenagers. Like their supreme overlord, this color is all about justice, and order. Real gamers don't give a shit about white because all it can do is play over 9000 retarded knights, soldiers, and warriors. Also played by trolls because of the amount of cards for white that let you nuke the field. Can sometimes manage to win because people forget it exists.
Blue - This color is the basis of annoying "Control" decks which are inevitably found in the hands of someone who is enlightened but by his own intelligence. They will tell you blue is the hardest color to play and has the most strategic depth. Some examples from Magic's history:

- Stasis (1996): BLACK VISE STASIS COUNTER COUNTER RECALL COUNTER COUNTER RECALL COUNTER WIN
- Buehler Blue (1997): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER STALKING STONES WIN
- Go-Mar (2001): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER DRAGON WIN
- Psychatog (2002-2003): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER UPHEAVAL WIN
- Dralnu du Louvre (2007): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER TEFERI WIN
- UB Control (2010-2011): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER I ACCIDENTALLY GRAVE TITAN WIN
- CawBlade (2010-2011): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER SQUADRON HAWK WIN
- UW Delver (2011-2012): COUNTER COUNTER SNAP-COUNTER COUNTER SNAP-COUNTER SNAP-COUNTER GEIST OF SAINT TRAFT WIN
- Azorious Control (2013-2014): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER SPHINX'S REVELATION WIN
- Second Sun Control (2017-2018): SEARCH FOR AZCANTA COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER WIN
- Teferi Control (2018-2019): COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER COUNTER TEFERI COUNTER COUNTER WIN

This is the equivalent of trolling in the game, because every Magic player will have a point in time where they need to call the Waaaambulance over this color. This usually lasts until they learn how to play and can buy literally a $2000 deck of fucking cardboard.

Black - Twenty swamps, and forty Plague Rats. This color is the cheapest to win with because people will just sell these cards for twenty cents each in order to fund their own Green or Blue deck. In true nigger fashion, black hates creatures of every other color (especially white), so mentioned green decks that rely on $200 pieces of cardboard get pawned by a 25-cent Murder. Popular color with goths, emos, and people investing in Liliana foils.
Gray - Artifacts; use Time Vault and Voltaic Key. The Time Vault will set you back around $700, with Voltaic Key being like 2$. Prior to the Mirrodin block, artifacts were known as brown magic. Also played by Eldrazi decks that spend $1000 to nuke the opponent's field every turn for the lulz.
Gold - These require multiple colors and are therefore a complete waste of money. Only for the hardcore Magic player. These decks use $300 dollar apiece dual lands, making them solely available to Jews.

Magic Online

Magic Online is where basement dwelling Magic players can further their social separation. Players find other hairy-backed souls on the internets via an AOL-like client. Instead of paying real money for worthless cardboard, they can pay real money for virtual cards, all with the added benefit of never having to leave home and deal with that nasty thing called sunlight, or the dilemma of actually associating with other nerds.

Once logged in to MTGO you will come across pathetic wastes of life called ORC's (online response crew) The first qualification you must meet to become an ORC is that you had to be picked on in high school. The second qualification is that you have to be a fucking retarded 1st amendment hating pile of shit who wants to get back at the world by telling people not to swear or use vulgarity. You will also come across other members who try to impress the ORC's by making stupid comments like, "Will you get a raise if I e-mail something good to your boss".

An alternative to Magic Online is the less popular, free, Apprentice, which when having problems with the solution is always to:

Uninstall Apprentice
Install Magic Workstation

Which ruins the only reason to use Apprentice instead of Magic Online. It was long ago believed Magic Workstation actually costs money, but like all good things on the internet you can simply crack it, or just not pay for it because the program will still work after the 30 day trial, thus only noobs actually pay for it.

Magic Arena

Just a shittier version of Magic Online, but with an interface that's ripped straight from Hearthstone. Now, you can pay real money for virtual cards, AND get nothing in return! At least with Magic Online you could win money by beating all the other nerds in a children's card game.

Linguistic History

Magic has been around since it was invented. The English terms 'magic', 'magically', and 'magical' all derive from this card game - whose title was a simplification of "magick". The terms have lost their explicit connection with the game and now simply convey a notion of unusualness, or inexplicability. Notions which are, understandably, still extended to the people who play this severely old meme.

The Best Card in the Game

The best card in the game is 'Black Lotus' and it costs more than all the cardboard in the world.

Recently, the Black Lotus has been given some competition with the addition of new special edition cards such as the Seung Stainless .38 Artifact card. It has been considered the 1337OMGWTFAZNPWN!!!!11121 card in all NCAA sanctioned Magic tournaments.

A challenger appears!

Ways to Win

We at ED recognize that feeding the Jews over at Wizards should not get in the way of the lulz. That's why we offer an expert solution to your money issue. After all, prostitutes aren't cheap, but paper is!

Find a picture of the card you want
Print it
Cut it out
????
Pr- Save moniez

Method 1: Win by leaving the game

Turn 1: Mountain, Sol Ring, Izzet Signet
Turn 2: Mountain, Repercussion, Shivan Meteor (suspend)
Turn 3: Mountain, Stuffy Doll (chose yourself), Fury Charm the Meteor. Hit the doll. You win the prize

Alternatively:

Turn 1: Mountain, Mana Crypt, Glorious End

Method 2: Win by Infect

Turn 1: Forest, Glistener Elf
Turn 2: Stomping Grounds, Invigorate, Temur Battle Rage, pwn

According to the official rulings from Wizards of the Coast, victory with this method is not complete without standing over your opponent's battlefield, scattering his field with your nutsack (or as it's referred to in the Magic community, a Mulligan), then taking a nice steaming shit all over his deck.

Method 3: Win by making everyone else quit.

Turn 1: Forest, Fastbond, Cloudpost x3, Panoptic Mirror (tap for Wrath of God)
Turn 2: Forest, Living Plane

Delete fucking everything

MTGFinance

In 2010, a guy named Jonathan Medina realized he could make a fortune by trading idiots worthless cardboard for cardboard worth thousands of dollars. This led to the rise of MTGFinance, which is basically just MTG's version of ticket scalping.

Notable People

Tolarian Community College - the most popular MTG JewTuber. Lost his job as an adjunct professor, so now he makes a living begging his patrons for jewgoldz.

Mark Rosewater - the head designer for MTG. Cares more about preaching his leftist politics on Twitter and Tumblr than he does about doing his actual job.

TheManaSource - a con man who scammed the welfare system and gets his fans to pay for his daily expenses, despite being more than capable of paying for shit with his own money

Mike Hatcher Aka MTGPurple, Purp, and currently; TheMagicHistorian. He's a whiny ginger manchild who rambles about shit nobody cares about. He's mostly known for getting kicked in the face by a guy who's even more retarded than he is.

AlphaInvestments Took the MTG secondary market hostage and turned cardboard into a legitimate asset. Now, at least 100 percent of people who once played Magic now just use the cards as a get rich quick scheme.

Unsleevedmedia is a neckbeard manchild who managed to find an audience among the incels and permavirgins in the playerbase after raging about women playing his card game. He's currently banned from playing in any events, which should be viewed as a good thing, but he's mad about it still.

Trolling

Magic Fags have their own forums, which they take much pride in the sanctity of. The greatest of which is http://mtgsalvation.com/, and then there are official company forums from WOTC

~~http://forums.gleemax.com/forumdisplay.php?f=131 for magic in general, and http://forums.gleemax.com/forumdisplay.php?f=142 for Magic online~~ LOL BALEETED BY WOTC BECAUSE IT WAS NOT POPULAR ENOUGH

In general, the best ways to troll Magic fags are to find some piece of shit card and complain about how it's too powerful andraeps too much, making a shitty deck and claim it's the greatest thing ever, and talk about how much better Yugioh is. MTG Salvation is home to many wannabe pros, and reacts particularly lulzily to threads about how tournaments are boring or how only expensive decks can win.

The opposite approach sometimes works just as well, by finding some overhyped creature and reminding the community that it sucks because "removal".

For more specialized and delicious trolling, there is MTGO trolling and rumor trolling.

Rumor trolling takes much effort, and is creating fake cards and convincing people that they will be in the next set of cards. The place to do this is right here: http://forums.mtgsalvation.com/forumdisplay.php?f=27 . The general rule is you get one point for each person who believes your fake card is real, two points for each thread for strategies based around it, and 1,000 points if it gets added to the "official spoiler" page.

For MTGO, on the forums what you do is either claim that it's perfect and the best thing evar, or that it's the worst thing evar. Either way, much butthurt ranting and flamewars will ensue. (Extra points if you get a WOTC employee embroiled in the shitstorm.) The number one way to troll is to create an account on MTGO and play in Team Multiplayer matches. What you do is, create a shitty deck, then join random team matches, most commonly Two-Headed Giant, and then proceed to suck, ruining any chance your partner had of winning. Ways to make it even bettar are being extremely drunk, talking shit, english as a 4th language, and pretending to be a n00b. When pretending to be a n00b, you can have the unique opportunity for someone to take pity on you and try to make you suck less. In this case, you should act as retarded as possible without making them give up hope completely.

You can also troll by commenting on the prices of silly cardboard, as any thread related to this topic is met with serious business and flame war coming from either side, both from the nigras who can't afford to skip their mortgage for a 60 card deck like any normal human being, and the Jews and azns who feel it is their god given right to own cardboard worth more than the car they drive and would rage eternally if they were ever reprinted. These fags even went so far to force Wizards to make it a company policy not to reprint certain cards. I assure you we're not making this shit up. In the end, the cost of your deck is equivalent to your penis size and Wizards has agreed with this statement.