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Culturalbaggage
Culturalbaggage had his pets removed for animal cruelty!
Culturalbaggage, aka Acrobat, is a fat-ass, right-wing neo-con from Texas who claims to be close friends with former House Majority Leader, now under indictment for various corruption sins, Tom Delay. However, it is rumored that they may actually be lovers. It's unclear if he has ever had an original thought and is more than willing to say that he knows more than doctors and lawyers regarding medicine and the law even though he's not even a working stiff.
He is currently sending defamation threats to random admins who were never involved with this article and who don't own ED. Noted for his love of hating women and music, he may be found scaling the heights of musical stardom with the Houston-area band Vicarious Me, who are so far on their way to the top that they play all-ages gigs once a month.
He also goes by the name of Adobe Acrobat, which by sheer coincidence is the name of the U2 song he quotes in full on his livejournal profile. By copying full lyrics from a song, he supports copyright infringement.
The LiveJournal of Culturalbaggage
Amidst the vast expanse of The Series of Tubes, there is one destination website that stands out above all others, and that is the LiveJournal of Culturalbaggage. And go there you must, but first, a two-part primer so you will know up from down, right from left, and profile page from "content". He is known to call MoveOn.org and Air America pro-terrorist while defending such groups as Expose the Left and Defending the Truth.
The User Profile, AKA We Read It So You Don't Have To
No LiveJournal user is complete without an astonishing user profile that establishes the sheer pinnacles of greatness the individual has achieved, and Culturalbaggage is no different. He begins in a stunning fashion, quoting at length various conservatives, and of course, neo-liberal Winston Churchill, who is notable solely for being so terrible a war leader that the British people voted him out of office half-way through World War Two. Culturalbaggage is of course quoting heroes of the conservative movement so that readers are sure to be awed by being in the company of OMGZ INTELLECTUAL GIANTS.
Additionally, to be sure we know exactly who we are dealing with before plunging into the cesspool of dignified insight that is Culturalbaggage's livejournal, he notes quite clearly on his profile that he has an IQ of 160, and is a member of MENSA, and that he will be onto us if we bring this up. You are already onto us, Culturalbaggage, you are onto us indeed.
Notably, he is also in a supergroup, which we are informed of right below the link to his first livejournal post. And ladies and gentlemen, we can be certain that they will be "exploding" "out of the gate" very soon, so get your future "I listened to Culturalbaggage before you ever heard of them, silly wanna-be hipster" street cred ready and buy their cd, Buy Their CD, BUY THEIR CD.
And finally, he would like gentle readers to know that all material on his LJ is copyrighted. The fact he then goes on to violate U2's copyright on the song Acrobat by quoting it in its entirety is deeply and profoundly ironic, and for that he should be praised.
The Wisdom Within
A veritable fount of well-honed wisdom, he frequently speaks in high metaphor, which we but deign to understand. For instance, when speaking of his ex-girlfriend, he writes "what's sad for her is that she never appreciated how good she had it with me. anything/everything else in her life will be a step down from now on. but i sleep much better at night now", which is clearly Joyce-worthy metaphor for I am a really nice guy.
Culturalbaggage frequently links to and approvingly parrots the posts of right-wing websites, including and not limited to such stars of subtle, well-constructed analysis as littlegreenfootballs, freerepublic and powerlineblog. This is high metaphor for My arguments are well-constructed and original.
When not incisively commenting about political matters or praising his ex-girlfriend to the stars (please, Culturalbaggage, it's embarrassing!), Culturalbaggage is kind enough to give all three hundred plus readers regular updates on everything a Culturalbaggage groupie needs, whether it is the next gig, photos of previous gigs, how long they were in the studio, or even how much it costs to make a phone call from a pay phone when your transportation breaks down ($.35, but the pay phone won't make change for two quarters, dammit!), or who to call when it does (your dad!). Thankfully, Culturalbaggage is overqualified for any job, and so has the time available to inform his readers of Hezbollah propaganda on CNN and Lebanon's printing capabilities.
Finally, Culturalbaggage does not, repeat, does not, need to go out of state in order to "crush ass".
MySpace, or Culturalbaggage and Vicarious Me
While it is on his LiveJournal profile that Culturalbaggage reveals his deep, preternatural fondness for the U2 song Acrobat, it is only on MySpace that he unveils the Acrobat persona, a persona which no compendium of superlatives could ever befit. A veritable Marina Abramovic for the MySpace set, his music, his art, and his fanciful yet understated way with words never fails to amaze the most jaded critic.
The MySpace of Culturalbaggage opens in glorious homemade song, an obvious tribute to those generations of conservative musicians and artists who inspired those blessed with similar levels of genius ... the Mozarts, the Janis Joplins, the Bruce Springsteins, the John Lennons, the John Cages, the Vivaldis, Bachs, and Scarlattis of each and every generation mankind has ever known, sung and unsung. His MySpace is a paean to aesthetics, an ineffable HTML markup of beauty, a rare testament to our common humanity, and a hotbed of raw, MySpace sexuality.
Naturally, the band he leads, Vicarious Me, is shooting to stardom at the perfect time, winning over the edgy Houston scene one all-ages show at a time while blazing a path which will shake the music industry to its core. Truly an expression of the post 9/11 zeitgeist, visit the Vicarious Me MySpace for the comment section, which will will surely impress with the sheer international diversity of the Vicarious Me fanbase.
A typical performance of Vicarious Me involves the metaphorical smearing of cream cheese in the buttcrack of Cultural Baggage as he walks like a chicken with his knees knocking together. As the show progresses, he metaphorically calls French poodles to the stage so that they may cleanse him. Due to the truly original nature of this performance, Vicarious Me is not understood by the crowds of 16 year old girls that attend every concert. In recent years PETA has picketed Vicarious Me shows due to allegations of animal abuse.
As an additional bonus, fans and even the public at large can download Vicarious Me ringtones, which only add to the street cred and overall hushed, awestruck manner in which the average Vicarious Me fan is accustomed to being treated.
External
UPDATE
A reader writes in with a testimonial:
"Basically he's a former f*ck buddy that wasn't even worth the $1.50 in toll road taxes to get to Pasadena. It only happened 2 or 3 times, and it was a long time ago. Seeing him on that page this is one of those moments where I'm just shaking my head thinking wtf was I thinking?"
As of August 4, 2006, culturalbaggage has BALEETED every comment he made in liberal and conservatism, protected some of his journal entries and baleeted other comments in his journal, in a coverup attempt not seen since 9/11
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Culturalbaggage is part of a series on Visit the LiveJournal Portal for complete coverage. |
| Featured article August 2, 2006 | ||
| Preceded by Buttes |
Culturalbaggage | Succeeded by Mitchell Henderson |
