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Bald

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
This is an old revision of this page, as edited by imported>Blajbara at 22:11, 22 August 2018. It may differ significantly from the current revision.
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Imagine the following scenario: you wake up one morning, waddle your fat ass over to the bathroom, take a good look at you disgustingly fugly excuse for a face, and start your morning routine to try and make yourself less of a blemish to human vision (only possible in this mental experiment ofc, irl you are a pig and will stay a pig). You wash the septic tank that is your mouth, clean your face of 9001 pimples that have sprouted from the greasy sweat emanating from your skin, and finally decide to tackle that flea den on the top of your hair.

Mmmmm, bald vagina.

You pull and comb that abomination into something presentable when suddenly you realise that a whole lot of your hair is stuck to the comb, and there's a nice big bald spot on that mellon of yours, you start to scream as you realise - you are going bald!

What is Baldness

Bald is a state of hairlessness that happens when a person's hair falls or is removed. It can manifest it's fun in many different forms. Usually it starts from above your temples and moves backwards, but can also start from that hairy twirling hurricane on the top of your head and move outwards.

Why is it bad

Losing hair and going bald is greatly correlated with being a looser or worse. Though we as a species have long since stopped resembling hairy troglodytic primates, we still preserved patches of primal keratine on our bodies, and the most prominent one is is the one on our heads.

Hair has almost universally held a great appeal as a sign of beauty and youth, so losing it must mean that something is very wrong with you.

You could have cancer, rampaging hormones that are a prelude to cancer, or have such a cancerous personality that your hairs start committing suicide, rather than to stay on your head.

What causes it

Despite being able to send a man to the moon, build buildings almost a kilometer high and invent over 500 new genders, oru civilisation still grapples with the baldness issue.

There are many theories as to why baldness occurs. Some say that it is simply the result side effect of a person's fail, others that it's due to genetics.

The wide spreadedness of this phenomena has led some to believe that more sinister forces are at work. Several respected intellectuals have proposed that anything from vaccines filled with lead, our gay chemical addled drinking water to satan is to blame for this.

Whatever the case may be, one thing is clear: you will go bald eventually.

What can i do

There are many valid options in order to tackle this plague of un-hair and your loving ED is more than wiling to provide some solutions for you to choose from:

  • Kill yourself - A tried and true method to any ills, you can't be bald if you are dead!
  • Hide it under a dead critter toupe - Though you will be wearing other people's dead hair in place of your own, you will be able to choose any number of stylish replacements for your barren head.
    • Bonus points as it is approved by our glorious god-emperor!
  • Hair Transplantation - Thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, it is now possible to remove hairs from your ass or dick, and jab them into your scalp - science!
  • Hair ¨regenerators¨ - These noxious chemicals can be applied to your head in an effort to at least halt the dying of your sad little follicles. It never works, but is a nice tax for balding.
  • Procure a healthy scalp and wear it as your own - Hey, when your hair is on the line (lol) nothing is forbidden, just do as the injuns did and scalp some motherfucker, just make sure that he is not balding too.
  • Drink a lot - Hey, if it can put heir on your chest, maybe it will grow on your head too.
  • Become a skinhead, a neo-nazi or a buddhist monk - If you are insecure enough about baldness, maybe you'll make the cut for these pussies as well.
  • Accept it - Stop being a fucking pussybitch who thinks that a bunch of keratine on your head means shit and man up.

Did you know...

  • That 7/10 men will get really bald before reaching their fifties?
  • That a bald head is a good substitute for an Earth globe (some drawing required).
  • That a bald head makes a great mega-penis with which to satisfy the ladies.
  • That being bald makes you eligible for starfleet command.
  • That clapping a baldie on the head brings good luck (make sure to clap every baldie you ever meet and see how lucky you'll get!).


Famous baldies


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