Lulznews/March Archive

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March 31st

Spearsville, LA (ÆP) Student-run school gets A+ mark in Sex Ed.]

Wellington, NEW ZEALAND (ÆD) Kiwi gets a $96,000 grant to write about smelly hippies.

Wauwatosa, WI (ÆP) Segregation re-established at local school.

Norwich, CT (ÆP) "LOL...How do I robs bank?" Man claims Google made him do it.

March 30th

Phoenix, AZ (Ræters) Star Trek's Scotty prepares to be beamed up.

Boston, MA (ÆD) Conflict of interest? Dr. Kevin De Cock endorses circumcision.

North Buncombe, NC (Mætro UK) North Carolinian Inquisition begins with boiling of Pastafarians.

March 29th

Riverside, CA (LNN) "I'm in ur house...naked, agitated and weilding a vase."

Las Vegas, NV (LOL) MechaJacko to fire lazer at little boys of Vegas.

March 28th

Beijing, CHINA (LNN) World's tallest man marries; bride can suck dick without kneeling.

Clearwater, FL (ÆP) Man refuses to pay ex-wife husband alimony.

The Tubes, CYBERSPACE (Litterbox) Presidential wannabe's MySpace h4x7 for bandwidth theft.

Reno, NV (ÆD) Scientists making furries' dreams come true with Sheepman.

London, UK (BBæ) New ski resort opens on the London Underground, police not amused.

March 27th

Ankara, TURKEY (Ræters) Turks continue to unearth butthurt where nobody ever thought to look.

New York, NY (LNN) G-Unit rapper Tony Yayo keeps it real with the kids, yo!

Austin, MN (ÆD) Thousands flock to clown that looks like Virgin Mary.

March 26th

Houston, TX (ÆP) Nigra loves him some Texas BBQ.

Hollywood, CA (Ræters) Fudgy the Whale killed by golf ball lodged in her blowhole.

Wellington, ENGLAND (TFÆ) Party Van ordered for friends of Ripper wannabe.

March 25th

Moscow, RUSSIA (LNN) 10 patrons get severely toasted when barkeep breaks out new cocktail, the 'Napalm Bomb'.

Sao Paulo, BRAZIL (ÆP) Fried food really bad news for Brazilian woman.

Hollywood, CA (LNN) Mel Gibson at it again; looks like he's heading for spic rehab this time.

March 24th

Charlotte, NC (ÆD) Drunk passenger trolls plane with smallpox threat.

Wellington, ENGLAND (TFÆ) Ripper wannabe offs himself on cam in Paltalk "insult" chat room. Transcripts/video needed.

March 23rd

Norrköping, SWEDEN (Crckwr) Dogmongler spotted mongling dog in Sweden!

Hollywood, CA (LNN) Rosie: "Jews Did 9/11"; Glen Beck: "NO U! FAT BITCH!"

Greensburg, PA (ÆP) "LOL WUT!...Slavery ended?...When?"

March 22nd

Brookville, PA (ÆP) Jabba The Hutt's sex-crimes score is over 900!

Ft. Worth, TX (ÆP) Wife trolls herself to death. Husband calls 911 with lulziest confession evar.

Savannah, GA (ÆP) Mamma, pappa and baby Pedobear keep it in the family.

March 21st

El Paso, TX (Fux) Cops looking for tranny bandits.

Washington, DC (LNN) It's official...DC populated by dumbest people in America.

Boston, MA (ÆD) Insurance salesman goes Mike Tyson on roofer.

March 20th

Washington, DC (NBCæ) Dick Cheney's leg checks into hospital; uncomfortable with rest of body.

Kiev, UKRAINE (Ræters) Belarussian commandos thwarted in attempted invasion of Ukraine.

Amsterdam, HOLLAND (ÆP) Danish zealots put grunting, wailing metallurgists on notice for cursing.

March 19th

Hollywood, CA (FUXT) Carol Burnett latest person to announce that "Family Guy" is unfunny; $2million unfunny.

Houston, TX (LNN) "LOL HAI IT'S US. We're in ur house, steelin' ur b00ze!"

A Plane, THE SKY (ÆD) British Airways give corpse an upgrade to First.

Another Plane, THE SKY (ÆD) SkyWest attempt to phase out toilets.

March 18th

Waynesville, NC (ÆD) Local castration vics have eunuchs remorse.

Baltimoar, MD (LNN) Party van scoops up 7-year-old Hell's Angel.

Liverpool, ENGLAND (LNN) 7-year-old stabs mum's rival in the arse over 9,000 times.

March 17th

Berlin, GERMANY (Ræters) Hitler Youth beat up Jew furries.

Tobago, TRINIDAD etc. (ÆD) Church leader fears Elton John show may turn audience gay.

Richmond, VA (ÆP) 12-Step programme's Catch 22; Step 9: Apologise for ræp...go to jail.

March 16th

Sydney, AUSTRALIA (Ræters) Wearable booze to make everybody rich and beautiful

Portland, OR (ÆP) Pedobears trade pot for loli.

Dortmund, GERMANY (ÆD) Drunken, smoking daiper fetishist tries to climb back in the whomb.

Mesa, AZ (ÆP) We interrupt Tom Brokaw for this PR0NFLASH!

March 15th

Colorado Springs, CO (LNN) Drunken hero trolls 911: “I'm drunk and driving at the same time. I called earlier and I still ain't got nothing from you fools."

Billings, MT (ÆP) Man claims unicorn jacked his car and crashed into pole.

Siagon, VIETNAM (ÆP) Joile at it again; adds gook kid to her Coalition of the Unwilling.

March 14th

Wahington, DC (ÆD) Bananas charged in providing aid and comfort to enemy.

New York, NY (Ræters) YouTube thumbs noes at Viacom's attempted billion-dollar ræp.

Oakland, CA (LNN) Crack addled hooker lols at dropping dead baby in street.

March 13th

London, ENGLAND (LNN) Primary schools add "Faggotry 101" to the curriculum; Fred Phelps cries a river.

New York, NY (ÆP) Heroic Ninja tries to put 101-year-old woman out of her misery.

March 12th

Hurdsfield, ENGLAND (ÆD) Hearwarming tale of the prostitute and the pensioner ends in tears.

March 11th

Winsted, CN (ÆP) Local bank robber hopes to lull public into false sense of security.

Jacksonville, GA (ÆD) White Trash Kid of the Year gets rewarded for awesome Mullet.

March 10th

Vadodara, INDIA (LNN) Wedding goes off without a hitch after groom dies.

Sonneberg, GERMANY (LNN) Nasty divorce ends up in 50:50 property split.

Helsinki, FINLAND (Ræters) Blasphemous Klingon runs for parliament.

March 9th

Boulder, CO (Fuxt) Teacher fired for playing student like fiddle.

Calcutta, INDIA (Skæ) Nigra cow has him a hunger for the chikins.

West Country, UK (LNN) Car molester blames perversion on talking car from TV's "Knight Rider".

March 8th

New York, NY (Mæ) OJ Simpson on the Anna Nicole Smith case looking for the real baby daddy.

Los Angeles, CA (ÆP) Iraqi MacGuyver grounds plane upon discovery of ass tool-kit.

Ankara, TURKEY (ÆD) YouTube banned after Greeks troll Turkish hero, calling him "an homo". In related news, irony still alive and well in Greece.

March 7th

Bridgeport, CT (ÆP) Toddler fails home-schooling class 'Mom Stabbing:101'.

Belfast, N. IRELAND (BBCæ) RPGer casts "Quick Hands (+2)" spell in underwear shop 'robbery'; spellcasting fails

Pozarevac, YUGOSLAVIA (LNN) Buffy makes political statement "NO U Vampire Slobodan!!!" and stabs already dead dictator Milosevic to redeath.

March 6th

Berlin, GERMANY (BBCæ) Fattoothlessoveralls stands by his forbidden love...his sister.

Minneapolis, MN (LOL) SEMEN ON A PLANE. Off duty pilot cums on passenger faster than your average 4channer.

March 5th

Sydney, AUSTRALIA (LNN) Pubic hair bandit nabbed at airport.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL (ÆD) Vietnam vet errs in hunting for Charlie in Charlene's room.

Oklahoma City, OK (ÆP) Cherokee Injuns pwnt Nigras? Who knew! Furthermoar..."DO NOT WANT!!!"

March 4th

Almeda, CA (ÆP) Fed: "You've got a knife sitting in the head of the president of the United States." Perp: "No, I got a knife in a piece of cardboard."

Washington, DC (GæNN) Transgender troll calls presidential hopeful John Edwards a "faggot"; Edwards counter-trolls.

Watauga, TX (CNN) Baby Sparkling Wiggles caught burning trees on video.

March 3rd

Zurich, SWITZERLAND (ÆP) Knife weilding Swiss Army declare war on Europe; no news on Swiss Navy.

Milan, ITALY (LNN) Papers reveal 19th century composer Wagner was tranny.

Acworth, GA (ÆD) "Buffy...like...OMG!!! We're totally, like, robbing a bank!!!" Two 16-year-old girls on the lam after heist.

March 2nd

Columbine, CO (LNN) Columbine High trolled shut for 10th anniversary græt justice.

Dallas, TX (LNN) Teen gets a load of granny goodness

Los Angeles, CA (ÆP) MySpace send consultants to jail.

Beijing, CHINA (Ræters) Fatty ED lifer gets an IRL gline.

Jerusalem, PALESTINE (ÆD) JESUS FOUND DEAD AGAIN! Won't be saving anyone's soul anytime soon.

Berlin, GERMANY (Ræters) Feds lure down perp from 72' pole with pr0n.

March 1st

Allentown, PA (LNN) Principal expands school curriculum to include meth, pr0n and fapping; cops DO NOT WANT!

The Tubes, Cyberspace (LNN) Presidential hopeful John McCain gets MySpace banhammer.

Cape Canaveral, FL (ÆP) Argent009 to be shot from cannon into space.

Philadelphia, PA (CBæS) Apple considering renaming iPod, dramaPod.