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Arctic Monkeys
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Warning!: This band can't play for used cum-rags, never mind shit. |
Arctic Monkeys are a wildly popular English rock band bunch of drunken, Chav football hooligans who play rock music instead of rapping. As such, they are the only white music that Chavs listen to. They are also the official band of the British Empire.
Regarded by the British media as the new voice of God, they were made popular by Gordon Brown. Nearly everyone in the United Kingdom has gone apeshit over this group even though they did WTC (along with the Jews) and are just famous because they set a record for having their debut album being downloaded more than pictures of the Goatse guy on the internets or something. This is IRONYZ because they look and sound exactly like every other bunch of retards who didn't have to resort to the Internets to sell their tedious camelfeltch to Britain's dipshits. They are also used by indie-fag Americans to announce their "superiority" in musical taste to others. They have been noted by the music press and NME for writing moving and epic power ballads about bestiality and being a scumbag with a heart cock of gold.
Basically, if you haven't bought any of their EMPOWERING, CUTTING-EDGE MUSICAL PORTFOLIOS MOONLIGHTING AS EPIC METAPHORS FOR THE ETERNAL STRUGGLE OF WORKING CLASS YOUTH AGAINST THE GOLIATH-ESQUE OPPRESSORS THAT ARE THE CAPITALIST STATE, THE PREVIOUS GENERATION AND THE HEADY EXPECTATIONS OF A WORLD THAT JUST DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS TO BE THE GREAT, ADOLESCENT UNWASHED IN ALL ITS UNDENIABLE GLORY AND ITS REPRESENTATION OF THAT RITE OF PASSAGE THAT MAKES US MEN, WOMEN AND GEESE ALIKE, UNDER THE SAME SUN, MAKING BUT THREEPENCE AN HOUR DOWN THE PIT (OH LORD TESTIFY), you don't just have shit for brains, you ARE shit - and you're not allowed to forget about it for a second. Oh, no. Despite the fact that a blind leper on smack could play better tunes on a garden rake and an empty bottle of Smirnoff Ice, to regard this lovable bunch of northern scamps as anything less than jaw-droppingly orgasmic will reward you with the following:
- 1. A thorough bestowing of shame upon thine soul
- 2. Exile
- 3. Raep
- 4. ????
- 5. Fuck you if you think you'll profit.
Their physical appearance also garners a mention, with all members except the token 'black guy' looking as if they have scurvy. Their fans are encouraged to bring fresh fruit (especially water melon and bananas) and vegetables to live shows to try and counter this. Frontman Alex Turner fired bandmate Andy Nicholson for being fat and ugly and replaced him with an emo fag, which is highly ironic as Alex bears a passing resemblance to the proboscis monkey. This may or may not contribute to Gordon Brown being voted sexier than him in a recent poll. All members are rumored to be the carriers of all types of hepatitis including the new "Z" strain, as well as being massive paedos. Lead singer Alex Turner also played a bit part of a broken urinal in the film adaptation of Irvine Welsh's "Trainspotting".
Humbug
In 2009, Arctic Monkeys pulled a Beastie Boys move by releasing an album called Humbug that managed the rare feat of alienating their entire fanbase. By ditching their trademark post-punk sound and football hooligan lyrics in favour of a set of Walker Brothers-esque songs with confusing metaphoric lyrics about Alex Turner's propellor, the Arctic Monkeys hoped to finally break through in the US market by appealing to a wider audience than the drunken louts who previously "bought" their records. As usual, the critics and reviewers loved it whilst nobody else cared. Meanwhile, Chavs are waiting to be told if it's still cool to like their favourite rock band.
Irony
Although Arctic Monkeys are the first band to successfully use the Internets to go from OTI fame to IRL fame and gain "superstar status" from P2P file sharing, they now frown upon people "illegally" downloading their precious and employ Web Sheriff to aggressively police sites like Waffles.fm and What.cd for leaked material.
Videos
See Also
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Arctic Monkeys is part of a series on Visit the Music Portal for complete coverage. |
