Liz Shaw

Liz Shaw, born Elizabeth Joan Shaw in Wellington, is a hambeast currently residing in Auckland, New Zealand. Liz likes to pretend she is Australian despite not having Australian citizenship. New Zealanders wish she would go to Australia, Australians are happy she doesn't.

She started her career as an Attention whore back around 2005 with an spectacular NZ Idol appearance.

After leaking the plot to Shortland Street, Liz managed to get herself banned from one of the larger production companies in New Zealand which was a bit of a problem as she had wanted to get herself a job in the MAINSTREAM MEDIA.

Liz managed to get the attention of a bunch of Basement Dwellers with her antics on the Internet and even had a sub forum dedicated to her attention seeking ways.

In 2011 Liz Shaw decided to run for New Zealand parliament as a candidate for Auckland Central. As with most things she sets her mind to, she failed dismally and became the laughing stock of the country once again.

Personal Life

While Liz has managed to swing herself right into the limelight with her fantastic public performances, there is a lot about the hambeast that has emerged through forum posts and various Internet Arguments. This section will bravely attempt to document some of the more interesting facets of her life outside her Political, Media and Performing aspirations.

Australia

This is a scary picture of the Hambeast in a Bikini. Notice it is inside out.

Liz loves Australia and sometimes dreams that she was actually Australian. Luckily for them she was born in Wellington and while she can work in Australia, is not a citizen.

Yes Please, I'll try those little tablets !

Liz has tried to live in Australia at least 4 times and each time has ended in disaster. Last time it is claimed that she ended up in debt and broke and had to some back to New Zealand to live as Australia kicked her out. A debt collection agency in Sydney is now looking for her over unpaid debt.

Despite all this, Liz still has a love affair with Australia and it is obvious she wants to marry it. This could be a problem however as she already married Auckland.

Who knows, maybe she will one day get herself a job in the Media over there. Ripper.

While in Sydney, Liz experimented with illegal narcotics. No problem though, everyone in Sydney does ecstasy. Besides, after we have done a weekend of prostitution, drugs, gambling and god knows what else there is always GOD to turn to.. well, unless you are just too lazy to get off that sofa and go to church.

Oh, if more politicians had such a rosy background the world would be a happier place.

Driving

Liz just found the perfect parking spot.

Liz was born a fantastic driver. So much so that she believes that driving tests are pointless and should be abolished. An example of Liz and her amazing driving skills was captured on a forum post found in the lostotter forums.

Apparently the section of road that has the convenient and usually vacant tree parking spot was a 100km (60 for you Americans) that she thought was an 80 spot, and therefore, using Liz Logic, should be driven at 65km/h (that's about 40mph). No wonder she experiences so much road rage.

Its really great to see that her priorities are in the right place however, I mean - what's more important after you've just found a nice tree to park in ? your Cigarettes or your Passenger ?

Liz also has fantastic skills when it comes to picking out complete wrecks to waste money on. Like her purchase of a BMW from trademe (The New Zealand equivalent of eBay) which had in its description some choice bullet points, like;

• would be suitable to be used as a boat anchor
• would make a good demolition derby car

However, to Liz these small things are just inconveniences trying to dissuade her from spotting an awesome deal. That promptly died a few weeks later. Surprised ? Liz sure was and decided she just has to send a letter to the previous owner and in typical Liz style, use veiled threats to get her way.

Hi AAAAA, I bought the BMW from you 10 days ago and it has packed up. I'd like to sort this out without getting Trade Me involved. I'm going to remove my feedback on the auction and I would be appreciative if you would refund $400 of the cost I paid given the short time I had the car (10 days). The engine completely died. I understand you stated in the ad that there were issues however when I bid I truly did not understand the seriousness of those issues. I'm removing my feedback because I would like to show you good faith and come to an arrangement without making this into a bigger issue. I appreciate your co-operation. Thank you Liz Shaw 027 5336550.

(I assume that is her number, she posted it publicly but I'm not brave enough to try it to see)

Writings

Liz loves to refer to herself in the third person and constantly writes promotion pieces that appear to be written by someone else. However, it is blatantly obvious that it is Liz doing the writing as it's either a 5 year old that has some form of infatuation with the hambeast.. or her.

Examples of her writing style can be seen in some of her early political rantings

Liz also had a love for dark poetry in her early day where she talks about ripping the heart from her boyfriends chest while it is still beating and eating it (well, OK, I made that bit up but some of her poetry and writings are seriously psycho)

Dieting

Liz when she was a small size 8. She is now size Over9000

Liz has a history of following stupid and braindead diet schemes she dreams up herself. She is (at the time of writing) on some such scheme and trying to lose 10 inches of weight. This diet involves eating 1 x Subway Salad and 1 x Apple a day. After pointing out how retarded this was, Liz answered by blocking these users.

Liz even has something to say on her dieting.

Liz Says (a number of years before this new crash diet)

yes i had bulimia, had being the operate word, I don't at this particular point in time. Of course having an eating disorder is a disorder, it is life threatening, it affects work, study etc etc. Tell me, are you a psychologist?. I am perfectly happy and I don't need a boyfriend to make me happy. I have got a solid part time job and a job lined up for Wellington as well. I suggest you get over yourself and stop making accusations.

Soon after going on her new, 2011 crash diet, she described herself as having an eating disorder. In some ways I suppose this is understandable being the Attention Whore that she is. She has already used this as a defence for people telling her she is wearing clothing over 9000 sizes too small for her.

Liz believes she has outstanding fashion sense, when, as expected, the reality is far from the truth. People believe this new crash diet is simply her trying to fit back into the size 8 clothes she just purchased off trademe.

Singing and Acting Career

being the craptastic Actor and Singer that she is, she decided to do what any rational person would do when presented with an insurmountable cliff between them and their chosen career path. She went out and spent money she didn't have on climbing equipment.

Thats right, after the NZ Idol fiasco and being told on public television that she was a "talent free zone", and having been turned down numerous times by other presenters and auditions, she decided to head off and get Acting and Singing lessons.

Un-surprisingly this has turned out to be a complete waste of money that she doesn't have. But these are just minor problems !

Finances

Liz has bounced between a number of minimum wage jobs. It is believed that she has, as of 2011, finally broken into the MAINSTREAM MEDIA (obviously due to her amazing writing skills). as a result, she is probably making just over minimum wage and it is estimated that this will continue for at least three weeks, by which point she will have managed to piss everyone off she works with and will be fired.

She will then be broke again.

Liz buys everything off trademe and then tells the world about her purchases. No one really cares but Liz fails to realise this.

She constantly claims to have no money and has managed to borrow off the bank of Mum and Dad a few times to help her out of situations where she was too fat to resort to prostitution as a reliable source of income. Despite this, she claims that everyone else should learn to manage money better and it is their fault for being poor.

Liz will then take this new pool of money and buy really cool things with it like;

• Subway Salads
• Smokes
• Acting Lessons (at $60 a pop)
• Singing lessons
• Other meaningless crap, like clothing she doesn't need or that is too small for her

Liz currently has debt that has been passed onto collection agencies in two countries.

Quotes

Liz has made some absolutely fantastic sound bites over the years, and the following is a list of some of them.

Politics

I'm young. I'm probably not going to be a Prime Minister of New Zealand until I'm in my 40s, maybe even 50s.

Porn Shoot

I chose to wear some leopard print boxer shorts with a leopard print singlet. It was all very nice satin. By the time Crystal (the make up artist) had finished with my hair and make up, I came out looking like Christina Aguilera with curled hair and smokey eyes, I looked good and felt even better.

Discussing a sexual-molestation case on a web-forum

The question we need to be asking is, did the boys enjoy it? I know it is illegal to perform sex with a minor but did they enjoy it? In my opinion this does need to be taken into consideration.

On the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami

* Some of the physical consequences of the tsunami are that the earth is spinning faster, now what this means is that by the earth spinning slightly faster, we will have night time sooner, the world will over all be a colder place.
* At this point in time, global warming is a problem, I do not know the full extent of how much of a problem but if the earth gets colder then we will actually be further away from global warming, even if only slightly.
* The countries struck by the tsunami were living in areas that were slums, these countries were also overpopulated, well if I am talking about overpopulation the whole of the world suffers this problem so it deals with this problem in a very minor way.

On Homosexuality

nobody has bothered to question why marriage rates were declining, I think it is because there is a growing number of homosexuals in the world these days

Music downloads

I have evaluated both the pros and cons of music downloading from the internet and I have come to the conclusion that if you pay a membership fee on sites such as kazaa then it is alright because you are not getting the music for free.

(Many quotes were blatantly ripped from sites around the InternetTubes, Links are in the bottom external links section)

Shortland Street

Liz, also an aspiring actress, was the first extra to be blacklisted from Shortland Street after leaking storyline details about the soap's romance of the year to a fan website. Liz has been banned from Shortland Street and all other South Pacific Pictures productions because she posted information she gleaned as an extra.

Craccum Debacle

This guy just beat Liz shaw

When Liz is right, she's right and no one can tell her otherwise ! Naturally, this can cause problems on various Internet Forums and many arguments happen (who woulda thought. Arguments. On the Internet. inorite!). As one would expect the people that are regulars on these forums she invades don't take this lying down and many threadnaughts have been created by people trying to explain to her just how retarded she and her thoughts actually are, of course, with very little success. After all, Liz knows best and everyone else is WRONG

Liz has managed to annoy pretty much every poor forum user she has come across in her Journey to fame and stardom on the Internet. Infact, the annoyance has become so great that now just mentioning her name on many forums and IRC channels will result in the banning of the person uttering those evil words. It's almost as if people are scared that uttering her name three times will summon the beast.

Liz herself usually ends up having the banhammer waved in her direction, and as any rational person whould do in this situation. she completely lose it and starts with the legal threats. (they work so well you know, especially when sent from someone with no sizeable income to actually follow through.)

Naturally, the next best thing to do when you are banned from a forum is to start harassing the admin of said forum, because, you know. It might end up getting you your own forum of 1 where you can argue with yourself all day, like pretty much what happened when she was banned from Carccum (Auckland university's student forums).

I almost feel sorry for the moderators of ED when she finds this place.

Maybe we can apologise in advance, or even donate to keep ED going.. they will need a LOT of donations once they end up having to deal with her.

NZX Porn Shoot

In 2005 Steve Crow, ‘the porn king’ advertised a nude model search in Craccum, the University of Auckland’s student magazine. The prize was $10,000 wiped off the winner’s student loan. Liz participated and posed nude, and while she did not win the competition, received $400 for her participation. Photos are widely available online, and many critics have suggested that Liz may have been more successful if she had simply waxed and wiped her ass

Liz Shaw's porno pictures. Warning: It's digusting.[1]

NZ Idol and Media Aspirations

In 2005 Liz Shaw auditioned for a place in season two of NZ Idol. Not only did try to take over host Dominic Bowden's presenting job, only to spectacularly fail, but she also performed a shocking rendition of Malibu by Hole/Courtney Love. The audition was featured on a G027 Telecom ad as being a bad example of what you could watch on your mobile and Judge Paul Ellis commented that Liz she was a "talent-free zone".

Liz is so passionate about working in the "mainstream media" that she offered to cut off both her arms.

She is spectacularly bad at managing money and has debt collectors in both Sydney and Auckland on her arse.

Political Career

She got a set of political slogan cards produced for $500

In 2011 Liz Decided she would stand as an Independent MP for the Auckland Central electorate. Obviously as with everything else Liz does this was doomed to failure before it started. However, many lulz were had and her facebook political page was up and down more times than a Vietnamese hooker on crack.

Liz, as an aspiring politician had the right idea, her stance on censorship was overwhelmingly obvious with anyone who disagreed with her or asked questions she found difficult to answer finding themselves banned. This included the Human rights commission who kindly pointed out that this was not the best political strategy.

What ? Violating Human Rights ? Not allowed to censor ? I think I'll just delete that and it will go away !

Anyway, after censoring the Human rights commission, Liz went on to tackle larger problems, like how to build a bridge between Auckland and Sydney. This of course got picked up by various Media outlets and she became a bit of a laughing stock.

Undaunted by the stupid people laughing at her, she added other things to her slowly growing list of policies and things she stood for (I know, most politicians work this stuff out BEFORE running, but not our favourite Attention Whore)

Right before she once again failed to actually finish something she started, and removed her political campaign page, she had written: "Standing for parliament has been a long term goal of mine, and I'm doing it this year because I feel I have something very worthwhile to contribute and the time is right.", I guess the time was actually wrong.

Some of Liz Shaw's Policies

Burqas can be sexy !

• Building a Bridge between Auckland and Sydney
• More rights and assistance for Homeless
• Remove all social services that could actually help the homeless
• Except those she uses
• Kill the disabled and intellectually challenged
• Outlawing breastfeeding in public
• Forcing earthquake stricken Christchuch to relocate to Otara
• "Fixing" Auckland's Public Transport
• Introducing a toll bridge between North Shore and Auckland Central
• Reducing the toll charge when she got a car
• Banning the burqa
• Paying those with physical disabilities less to work
• Ensuring women are paid less than men
• Reducing immigration - need to mention that she had no clue about the procces that is currently in place; or criteria
• 0% income tax
• Compulsory paternity testing

Families:

• The declining rate of the two parent household is leading to an

increase in child poverty and crime rates, so we need to work to keep families together by increasing the role that CYFS will play in the raising of the child. By keeping a family together, this will also ideally lead to a reduction in the welfare spend.

• Children need two loving parents so regardless of sexual orientation

adoption will be open to all couples who meet the criteria.

• Gay marriage will be legalised.
• For families who are no longer intact, there will be in emphasis on

both parents contributing to the upbringing of their child - both financially and with custody.

• Compulsory paternity testing where the identity of the father is

contested.

• Working for Families to be cut.

Taxation, Kiwisaver and Employment Law

• Company tax to be reduced to 23% to encourage business growth

and development within New Zealand, which will ultimately create more jobs and less reliance on welfare.

• Secondary tax to be axed. Total income to be assessed together.
• GST on food to be removed entirely to increase affordability for

families and reduce the burden on the taxpayer to assist with welfare payments.

• Tax refunds can be obtained from the IRD for up to 10 years eg;;

in 2012 you could still claim for 2002.

• Personal tax rate to be cut to 15% across the board.
• 90 day trial to remain so that employers and employees have an

"out" clause.

• Ability to trade annual leave for extra pay. To be negotiated with

the private employer.

• Minimum wage to be raised to $17.50 per hour to reduce the

rate of welfare payments and to help families. On a 40 hour week it would increase one's income by $160. This will assist with saving and self sufficiency.

• Kiwisaver to remain optional for all employees. No automatic

sign up when commencing new employment.

Health:

• Increased funding for mental health facilities throughout the country

with a focus on cognitive therapy to reduce depression and eating disorder rates.

• Working with groups in society to reduce the rate of suicide to 450

by 2020.

• Promotion of society groups so people are active in the community

and there is less chance of becoming an alcoholic or suffering other debilitating mental health conditions.

• Drug abuse will be treated by the Ministry of Health and not seen

as a crime in the eyes of the Government. Drug legislation to be modified.

• Compulsory health insurance for those who can get it, public health

as a backstop for those who have preexisting conditions.

• Healthy living to be promoted with advertising - personal growth

of fruit and vegetables to ensure that children and adults are getting the nutrients they need to stay healthy.

Crime:

• Murder will always carry life imprisonment without parole.
• Manslaughter will carry a minimum of 20 years imprisonment.
• Petty crime will carry at least 500 hours community service with

extra funding for rehabilitation (to be funded out of a capital gains tax)

• For youth offenders there will be rehabilitation programmes and

a promotion of attendance in either a sports or arts club to prevent the likelihood of reoffending.

• Promotion of community groups and participation with increased

funding for advertising.

• Zero tolerance on drink driving. Increased minimum fine to $500

and 35 demerit points for the first offence, fine of $1000 for the second offence and loss of 70 demerit points.

• Increased police on the roads patrolling the nation. New Police

colleges to be built so one doesn't have to relocate to Wellington for the training.

• Instead of increasing welfare, we will seek to help families develop

the self esteem and the social networks so that the rate of abuse drops by 20%.

• Driving age to be increased to the age of 18 for those in the city and

stay at 16 for those in the rural areas.

• Free anger management classes provided by the community for

those with a violent disposition or previous history of violence

Transport:

• More frequent services on Auckland's North Shore.
• Increased wheelchair access on buses - more modern buses.
• Lower fares (which will be subsidised by an increase in the fuel tax

for Aucklanders).

• Increased hours of public transport - buses and trains will finish at

1am on weekdays and 24 hours for Fridays and Saturdays.

• Reinstatement of train line to go from Piction down to Bluff. Daily

services.

• Reinstatement of North Island trains to go from Wellington - Cape

Reinga.

• Another bridge from Auckland City through to the North Shore with Capacity for trains and cyclists.
• Increased cycle facilities throughout NZ starting with Auckland.

Shaw-isms

An incredible variety of expressions and words have sprung up, popularised either by Craccum or by her own appalling keyboard skills. These include but are not limited to:

• Hambeast

Translation: a massive fleshy person resembling a pig.

• Herp derp!

Translation: Someone who does really dumb stuff on a regular basis. Also plays on the high possibility of Liz having some sort of STD

• ANGEY

"I am so ANGEY about this!" Translation: Liz can't spell.

• Fuckonh attitude

"DON'T TELL ME I HAVE A FUCKONH ATTITUDE!" Yeah whatever.

• Fuckers with penises!

Liz was angry at some guy.

• "Bubbly personality! Outgoing!"

Liz uses this to describe herself, whether it be on her NZ Idol cock-up or while running as MP

• "Thanks for lustening!"

She did, for a brief time, have a horrendously bad rendition of herself singing My Heart Will Go On up on youtube. The kiwi accent didn't help the fact that it was fuckonh awful.

External Links

• Liz Shaw NZ Idol video
• Epic Liz Shaw is a crazy bitch thread
• Crazy emails to Craccum admin