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Eji Samuron
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Eji Samuron is a fat, homeless lol-cow.
Eji's Worthless Life
Eji's life revolves around the internets in the way that only a true dork can; he is well known on 4chan and WTFUX. Despite being one of the indigent Internet poor, Eji continues to have constant access to the internets.
At one point he ran a website called TheRealB.org; the users mostly consisted of Ej's online friends. It has since been hijacked and consigned to the infernal flames of offline hell. Eji also DJs on /b/radio where he blasts his FUBAR playlist and calls it Midnight Jams.
Internet Tough Guy
Upon learning that Miltopia had added "homeless" to the list of adjectives, he quipped, "Clearly, I will crush this man."
Burning Down the House
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Spoiler warning! Sadly, he lived. |
Eji's homelessness, brought on by his own carelessness, is a source of near-infinite lulz. The family residence caught fire as a result of Eji leaving a faulty fan on in the computer room. Adding to the mystery of Eji's enormous size is the statement by his mother that the sound of smoke alarms often signifies dinner time.
Homeless and forced to live with his mother-in-law, Eji's father dropped the family dogs off on the side of the road (Eji believed they were "given away to a nice family"). Shortly after, he tried to quit RL forevar by drinking WD-40. It appears that whatever is wrong with Eji may be hereditary.
Eji pwns Atkins
It is estimated that Eji now weighs upwards of 4000 pounds. It's not possible to accurately determine this, since it would require access to a shipping scale, and most people are too afraid to approach Eji with the subject anyway as they ph34r he will eat them. Currently, Eji requires commercial size refrigerator boxes to sleep in. It is rumored that part of the reason for the hold up in rebuilding the residence is that the insurance company refuses to pay for the reinforced supports needed for the upper level.
When Eji has eaten the household out of food or his mom won't cook for him, Eji resorts to the packages of Oreos that have been secreted, squirrel-like, in his bedroom. Eji has been known to put all-you-can eat restaurants out of business.
Recent Huegness
Lately Eji (or Edge) has made himself quite busy with DDR, Vista, and more child porn. In addition the Real B has returned under the cleverly shit url LEARN HAX Eji now regularly exercises much to the horror of his unfortunate parents downstairs who are so afraid of the 400+ pound behemoth have reserved a hugbox even they are too scared to get into if Michelin man should decided to go Incredible Hulk on their asses if they ever move from the spot they cower in.
His exercise regiment consists of fapping to CP, pwn kids at Wii Sports, woo them with his might and pictures of his small penis, and the earth shaking rendition of Raiders of the lost Arc on DDR. Much to his dismay through rigorous training and cutting down to six Crisco-filled meals a day- he has not shed a single pound. Many believe he is the IRL equivalent of the Blob. He still tries though, his continuance may cause Armageddon through world hunger.
Eji is attacked daily by whalers hoping to retire on his massive folds, which can be made into pet food.
Niggerness
Eji has been recently labeled a black person by the people who have been exposed to him, as an attempt to incite drama. Eji has been mostly unaffected by these accusations and continues to play his nigger games, such as Def Jam Icon and NBA Street on his Niggerstation 3 daily. Eji has accumulated various electronics through insurance fraud, which adds further proof that Eji is a nigger.
Eji is also the star of the anime Darker than Black, which documents his life as a nigger, and follows him on an average day as a nigger. In it, Eji is shown stealing nigger games, bikes and TVs, as well as eating at his restaurant of choice, KFC.
Otaku
Eji became an otaku when he dropped out of high school after teachers found he was unable to read. Since then Eji has embraced his Hikkomori ways and has not left his house, except to go to anime conventions. He sends his mom out to buy him pocky and spends all day playing H-games on his PC. When not playing H-games Eji watches his favorite animes, which include the 4kids versions of One Piece and Naruto. It is rumored that Eji has a collection of hundreds of Naruto headbands, and he may be the user "Anime-Expert" that posted on /a/.
Eji was recently spotted at the 2006 Otakon sporting an XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX^100L t-shirt.
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Eji's Otakon 2006 shirt- Front -
Eji's Otakon 2006 shirt- Back
He also has plans to visit Otakon '07 to join the collective hugbox of Weeaboos and *channers. So they may ridicule him like the filthy fat whore he is.
OMFG Pedo!
Eji is also a pedo camwhore with a 13 year old Chinese internet "girlfriend" named Goose to whom he likes to send fabulous n00dz. Thankfully, she was nice enough to send those out to us so that the world could see him in all his glory. Eji has also produced multiple videos of himself masturbating. These confirm that he possesses an exceptionally small penis.
Eji has recently admitted having a sexual attraction to toddlers, and has had a restraining order placed on him, making him unable to go within 200 feet of the maternity ward of his local hospital. Since then Eji has collected upwards of 100+GB of Toddlerkon doujins to satisfy himself. ED's 12 year old, Ion, AKA IonKitten2, was e-molested, raped, beaten, and snuggled by Eji. Some other pedo saw him at Otakon and beat him up for it.
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Eji with Christopher Poole -
Just a taste of whats to cum -
unf unf unf -
Eji's softer side... OMG FURRY
Oh by the way, Eji claims to be a shota. You may or may not have just seen horrible CP.
