Houston

Also known as the "City of Sin" (in a sad bad-ass attempt to one-up Las Vegas), Houston is the largest city in "Texas". It's the largest city in terms of overall sprawl, it's the largest city in terms of population (numbers) and it's the largest city in terms of population size (XXXXL). Seriously, these are some seriously fat ppl.

Houstonians

The area of Houston was once inhabited by injuns but was later reclaimed after Mexicans killed them all for beer. LOL, years later Americans came and ate all the Mexican tacos and the Mexicans had to move to California. LOL, then the niggerss came from a time portal New Orleans and bawwwwed Houston into taking them in, making it more ghetto. It is most known for its bad traffic and obesity rates.

Also the mayor of Houston is a lesbian. Take that bible thumpers!

Attractions

Horse piss and water: the taste America craves.

Houston is also home to a Budweiser Beer brewery, which has caused the entire city to smell like shit Distribution Warehouse. The horses from which they draw the beer's main ingredient are immortalized at the front of building. On rainy days a passing tourist might even spot the facility's patented method of adding a perfect mix of water to their brew.

From 1968 to 2005, Houston was home to Astroworld, where the teenagers from all around wasted their summers, and where familes spent quality time together. In 2005, Six Flags' CEO annouced that Astroworld would be closed, so that they could sell the land to developers for over 9000 jew gold. However, after the site was cleared, it was sold for less than half of what was expected, and the CEO was removed for his fail.

Don't forget about Taco Cabana.

Kolaches

When the people of Houston founded their city with sloth and corpulence the top two civic virtues they needed to invent a way they could jam the most calories into their faces as quickly and effortlessly as possible. Voilà: the Kolache, a Central European pastry that serves as breakfast food. It is commonly stuffed with sausage, egg, cream cheese, fake fruit, jalapeños, cheese and lard. Everyone and everywhere in Houston between 5:00 AM and noon eat roughly a dozen of these artery-hardening confections. Each has approximately 450 calories.

People & Neighborhoods

Houston is a city of contrasts well separated by its highway system.

Inside the 610 Loop - General

People here are constantly drunk or stoned. This is why they seem so friendly. The moment you get outside the 610 Loop, some redneck is going to pop a cap in your ass.

Inside the 610 Loop - Downtown

This is where people actually commute two hours to get to every morning. They work for big oil and gas companies and they plan their day around where to go for lunch (Chili's) and how early they can get out of work to beat the traffic home (2:00 pm). Also downtown you will often see Mexican labor crews working on building more buildings or going to and from their restaurant jobs on the bus. The last group you might see downtown are female black administrative assistants. They are the only people that do any real work and spend all their money on their hair, shoes, clothes they can't afford and acrylic nails.

Inside the 610 Loop, west of Downtown - Montrose

Just west of the urban sprawl of Downtown, the Montrose district of Houston is well-known for overpriced Greek eateries, incompetent bartenders, and the kind of full-on Jew debauchery that would generally be associated with a gay bathhouse. Known as the "MAN-trose" to those in the know, this is a great place to find varying degrees of the slothful homeless and the stains of fresh semen throughout the back alleyways. For many this is the center of urban nightlife in Houston, and it is possible to find an all-bareback poz party at any time of the day. Individuals new to the city will know they've reached this historic district when they are being approached by several homeless men begging for spare change and strange men promising satisfying blowjobs.

Don't try raising a family in Montrose unless you want your kid asking why that cowboy isn't wearing pants, and why Tonto is on a leash.

Inside the 610 Loop, east of Downtown - The Wards

Full of poor black people and crack hoes. Going 2 blocks in will result in you getting robbed, shot, jumped, and shot again.

Between 610 and Beltway 8, south of Westheimer - Ghetto

This is the ghetto. It's a swirling chaotic cesspool of violence and crime. Many factors contribute to the size and danger of this ghetto. They include:

1. RacismLAZINESS (what racist white Texans like to say rather than the real actual RACISM) preventing any black males from getting jobs.
2. Tensions between the original cowboy Mexicans and the jealous whites.
3. Texans (the white equivalent of GHETTO)love guns and think everyone should have two for each hand.
4. Proximity to the border means they're standing in a flood of incoming Mexican drugs.
5. Spec's liquor stores and their get 2 for 1 specials.
6. It's hot and humid and that makes people go nuts with guns.

Between Beltway 8 and Highway 6 - Suburbs

This is where the white people, blacks and Asians live in their gated communities. Everyone has a three car garage (for the three Lincoln Navigators), a heated swimmin' pool (cement pond), a 4,000 square foot house without a basement and a dog the size of a horse. No minorities are allowed to live here. During the day you might see some Mexican people cleaning houses or cutting lawns but they should be gone by the time you finish your 3 hour commute home from work. Most of the white people attend Bellaire High School where there is a lot of hip hop black kids and Jews. Trap!!!

Outside Highway 6 - Plains

This is where "cowboys" live. They all drive pickup trucks and they greet each other by shooting at nearby objects. Your status here is determined by the size of your belt buckle. In reality, nobody here is a cowboy at all (they wish), they're all white folks who are retired or crazy and wear cowboy costumes to make themselves feel more manly and appear stronger to all the much more violent Mexicans.

Northern Suburbs - Kingwood/Porter/Atascocita/Spring

Get yer church hat on. People north of Greenspoint, aka Gunspoint, secretly drink Natural Light at home when they're not out at Chili's pretending to be civilizd and mingle with the neighbors. You will be shot with a rifle or robbed at some point, and if you're not, you'll be run over by an rotten-toothed white eight-year-old on a four-wheeler. People go to these suburbs when they are too suicidal (as most white Texans are) to even live inside the loop (where the more "modern" white person lives). Spring has a crawfish boil each year, where you will find everything but crawfish; however, if you've been waiting for Ted Nugent to play a live show, you're in luck.

Spring, TX is full of rednecks, mostly those who try to pass themselves off as "civil". Mostly, they all secretly have Klan parties and are true racists at heart. If you listen close enough, you'll hear that redneck back woods accent come out (when they're not trying so hard to be grammatically correct). Just like the disadvantaged niggers in this area, the whites have no real futures here either. They all become volunteer (non paid) firefighters or cops for Precint 4, just to pretend the white man is still on top.

Fun Fact: Everyone at the Kingwood Starbucks is actually on a layover from Bush International.

Magnolia County - The Woodlands

Just north of Spring is the developed community of The Woodlands. As it's outside of Harris county the taxes are next to nothing, which has resulted in young families moving north and spending their trust funds on high-end delis, Starbucks, and dogs the size of horses. Everyone hear either lives in million dollar mansions with a country club for a back yard or shady apartments which also happen to have country clubs in their back yard. There are no recent college graduates here - everyone is either under 18 or in their early 40s. In other words, rich and boring.

There are also the "wannabes" who move in some of the average apartment complexes just so they can say they live in The Woodlands, when they are only paying $800 a month in rent and barely getting by. Magnolia County - Conroe/Magnolia

Trade your BMW or Lexus for a F250, cowboy boots, and ILLITERACY. The average speed limit on I-45 in this area is in the triple digits, even through the constant construction that makes downtown Houston look quiet. The big country ass cowboy ford pick up trucks will literally try to run you off the road. Conroe is also a haven for illegal immigrants and recently released inmates, as it's right between Houston and Huntsville. The plus-sized trashiness is only matched by the plus-sized inhabitants, whose favorite pastimes include riding their rascals at Walmart and wiggling fishing poles at Academy. Magnolia, meanwhile, is too busy brewing moonshine and shooting colored folk to be bothered. In fact, you should go bother them, as they totally won't shoot at you for trespassing.

Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and West of 288

In Houston itself- Memorial, Westchase, and Alief. A major snore-fest, nothing but boring "boojie" stuck up blacks and some white people (who finally tried to be civil and move from the Spring/Magnolia area) and azns with their houses, and all their shitty fast food joints, supermarkets, consumer goods outlets, and Starbucks they need to thrive.

Fort Bend County- Sugar Land, Stafford, and Missouri City. All you got is mile after mile of mall after mall...they put the mini-malls in between the major malls, and in between the mini-malls they put the mini-marts. And in between the mini-marts you got your car lots, gas stations, auto shops, strip clubs, and dirty bookstores. This area is nothing but a soulless cesspool of consumerism. Sure, there was the Imperial Sugar mill, but a lot of that got banhammered several years ago. You can be everywhere and nowhere at the same time here.

Outside Beltway 8- South of I-10 and East of 288

Brazoria and Galveston Counties (Pearland, Friendswood, and League City): Just more rich assholes and their faggoty golf courses. Mostly NASA workers, government contractors, and other aerospace-techie types live here. Planes taking off from Hobby can be constantly seen over one's head here.

In Houston- Clear Lake and Ellington: Space! This is where the astronauts train for their roles in space exploration fake spaceflight movies filmed in the basement of JSC. Also an old Air Force Base that's mostly civilian stuff now, but one ANG unit is still active.

In Harris County- Pasadena, Deer Park, La Porte, etc.: HERE BE DRAGONS. This is quite literally the armpit of the Houston area (it smells like one too.) Nothing but chemical plants and the ship channel. The sun shines about five times a year in this area from all the pollution. Nothing but poor white people and Mexicans live here.

Sports

Houston Astros: A piece of shit team that plays a game revolving around who can shoot the most steroids into a teammate's ass cheek.

While the team may be a piece of crap the Astrodome is notcraptastic . It has housed thousands of former niggers of the flooded New Orleans. Unlike the other shitty states of America, Texas is usually the most reliable JK it always sucks.

Houston Rockets: A team that was good in the 90s thanks to all the players suicide bombing the other teams to appease Allah. Since Rick Perry has since given permission for Texans to shoot Arabs on site, the team now sucks. Attending a Rockets game is also a very convenient way to get robbed.

Houston Texans: Holy shit, we were in the playoffs this year?!

Houston Aeros: Nobody in Houston gives a shit about hockey.

Sitting In Your Car

There is no visiting Houston, there is only sitting in traffic in Houston. The outside world has to send in food trucks to people in their car once a week. No one hears from them again. The truth is: 2.3 million people live in Houston and they are always on the highway. Budweiser has tried to send out word to the outside world about this truth. But unfortunately, they tried to do it on Faux News. Everyone watching is having a hard time trying to get out of George Bush's ass much less a large asshole city... but even those people aren't watching Faux and Friends.

See Also

• Ghetto
• Crap
• WTF
• Texas
• Gay