Malaysia Airlines Flight 370

You know what they say about journalism... If it bleeds, it leads... right? Unfortunately for distinguished press outlets worldwide, March of 2014 has turned out to be a pretty dry month in the annals of human affairs. In the absence of a lulzy school shooting or Tsarnaev copycat for like, another goddamned month, shit-eating hack journalists had to scrape by on what little they could salvage. Enter the sudden international panic and saturation coverage over the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, a fucking jumbo jet full of chinks, gooks, spics, and spooks. Besides - most of them probably didn't even speak English, so no great loss, right?

As always, the evil liberal Jew media would have you believe otherwise. This is Cuban Missile Crisis, Iran Hostage-level shit going on right now.

Plausible Theories on What Happened

• One pilot was in an heroic mood and going for the MS Flight Simulator High Score but proved too pussy to pull off a 9/11 so he just kamikazeed 200+ passengers into the fucking ocean. To his credit, he may have earned second place - a noble effort.

Much More Plausible Theories on What Happened

• The Jews did it. (Also WTC, for that matter.)
• HAARP weather and mind control efforts proved successful - exactly as planned.
• The pilots somehow discovered warp speed, or some kind of Stargate, and the plane's crew is currently being gangraped by aliens way past Andromeda right now.