Lulznews/February Archive

Feb. 28th, 2007

Hollywood, CA (LNN) Hollywood's A-List clamour for Wolfgang Puck's latest dish, Hepatitis A.

Tokyo, JAPAN (ÆD) got bilk? Japs have worst idea ever: milk flavoured beer.

Abu Dhabi, UAE (ÆP) Royal Big Mac attack! Prince Charles trolls McD's; calls for banhammer.

Pueblo, CO (FÆX) Local woman scores deal; pays only 1 baby for Dodge Intrepid.

Johnson City, TN (ÆP) Prison hostage drama ended by the Marlboro Man.

Gary, Indiana (LNN) God plays Indian giver with follower

New York, NY, (CBæS) New York to ban Niggers!

Feb. 27th, 2007

The "offending" article

San Francisco, CA (ÆF Chronicle) Self-styled Azn supremacist pens follow-up to "Why I Hate Asians": "Why I Hate Blacks".

Amsterdam, HOLLAND (LNN) Dutch butthurt as 'Big Brother' spawns 'Monster Love', a dating show for retards.

Newcastle, ENGLAND (SKÆ News) Fatty seized by state; tax hikes for child's support expected.

Hatton, AL (ÆD) Jail for man in batshit crazy backhoe Jihad.

Queens, NY (ÆP) Furry-Dooby-Doo! taken down by The Man posing as furry pr0nographers.

San Diego, CA, (ÆD) Study shows 'Gen I <3 Me!' will lead to new ED Golden Age.

Washington, D.C. (Æ Post) Hospital: "Babies are for eating." Wolfgang Puck at work on Famous Fetus Soup.

Feb. 26th, 2007

Pakistan (BBæ) Pakistan unleashes its WMDs at local kite festival.

Jew York, NY (ÆP) Rev. Al Sharpton loses draft lottery; rotated back into slavery.

Washington, DC (ÆD) Juror in Scooter Libby case dismissed for </3

Jew York, NY (ÆY Times) Mary-Kate Olsen: "Food?....meh! Purses?...OMGZ!!! <333"

Feb. 25th, 2007

Not A Truck, INTERNETS (LNN) Butthurt, furry, substance-abusing, wife-beating, faggot golfer, Fuzzy Zoeller, (who has a Hitler tattoo) sues TOW for deflamation. LOL...ED next!

Hong Kong, NOT CHINA (Ræters) Aged Chink claims The Fountain of Youth is not to be found in a moist vagina.

San Jose, COSTA RICA (ÆP) GI Joe goes Rambo on poor, local entrepreneur; breaks neck.

Feb. 24, 2007

Bogota, COLUMBIA (ÆP) Local performance artist arrested in clowning of clowns.

Tampa, FL (LNN) Principle invites Party Van to school for Show & Tell day.

Centennial, CO (ÆP) Woman who killed toddler: "I did it for the AFLAC!!!"

Murray, KY (ÆP) Teacher's text message to Party Van: "HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS!"

Feb. 23, 2007

Tel Aviv, ISRAEL (ÆPF) LOL JEWS!!!

Las Vegas, NV (LNN) Indian giver Pacman trolls strippers with $81,000 in cash; ends in melee and triple shooting.

New York, NY (ÆP) Dinner escapes as 'chickins' make a break for it at NYC KFC.

ANTARCTIC (BBæ) World's biggest tentacle rapist caught. Weeaboo fangirls safe for now.

John Day, OR (ÆD) Blu Aardvark's little blue pill experiment goes horribly awry.

Feb. 22, 2007

London, UK (BBæ) Armed gangstas recruiting members through YouTube. GangstaElijah unavalible for comment.

Calexico, CA (LNN) Latest technology from Mexico -automobile powered by Chinese woman -fails it at border inspection.

Dagenham, ENGLAND (ÆD) Firemen save blazing Christmas from BBQ Grinch.

Milan, ITALY (LNN) Man puts his dad on ice to freeze his assets.

Feb. 21, 2007

Cairo, EGYPT (BBæ) Blogger tells the “I-slam your face into a door” joke, gets jailed for his trouble.

Belgrade, SERBIA (LNN) Routine appendicitis turns into slugfest as two surgeons go Three Stooges on each other.

Kewaskum, WI (ÆP) Local cop pwns himself for græt justice faggotry.

Oconomowoc, WI (LNN) Man watching pr0n goes limp as swashbuckling wannabe Errol Flynn with sword breaks down his door mid-fap.

Feb. 20, 2007

Vancleave, MS (LNN) Local man gets the gift of lulz as he finds NASA space cadet Lisa Nowak's daipers on his porch; puts them on eBay.

Santa Clara, CA (LNN) Latest college nigra celebration -Partido del Hotel de los Habbos- has faculty loco with jalapeno butthurt.

Ft. Lauderdale, FL (LNN) TRIMSPAR finally working for Anna Nicole as she lays around doing nothing.

Zagreb, CROATIA (CæNN) Hitler sugar causes lollercaust in local cafes.

Feb. 19, 2007

Los Angeles, CA (CurrentBun) Britney checks her bald, scrambled head into psych ward disguised with wig.

San Francisco, CA (Ræters) "Earth Killer" asteroid, Apophis, due to hit earth like the fist of an angry God on April 13, 2036. Morgan Freeman asks Bruce Willis to lead team of Space Cowboys on intercept mission.

Toronto, CANADA (ÆD) The Royal Canadian Mounted Police attempt to recruit Los Angeles gangbangers.

Los Angeles, NY (ÆD) “Scrotum sounded to Lucky like something green that comes up when you have the flu and cough too much...” Greatest kid's book ever has nation's librarians' knickers all in a twist.

Feb. 18, 2007

Elmira, NY (LNN) 5-year-old vegetarian banhammered by God of Meat.

New York, NY (ÆP) Orgasm addict sues IBM for $5M after banhammer for fapping at work.

Lubbock, TX (ÆE) Gay pr0n actors arrested as cops bust up live sex review. Prudish small town fights back!

Hamptons, NY (LÆTimes) Story of mummified corpse found in front of TV winds up in Entertainment Section as TV was 'on'; C-SPAN suspected.

Hollywood, CA (LNN) Britney Spears sells hair on eBay after Skinead O'Connor ugly-stick makeover to pay off K-Fed in divorce settlement.

Feb. 17, 2007

Stumpy teh Humuck

Hampshire, ENGLAND (Chimi) Man arrested for beastiality when duckfriend gives birth to duck with four limbs.

Plymouth, ENGLAND (BBCæ) 'Future Ræpist Fight Club' promoters busted after undercover cop in daiper gets pwnt by 3-year-old dominatrix.

Louth Bay, AUSTRALIA (LNN) Drunken Aussie attacks shark; credits vodka with the win.

Texas, USA (LNN) Heliocentric solar system the work of Jewish Kabbalistic Conspiracy

Feb. 16, 2007

The Dalles, OR (ICK) 11-year-old shota totally asks for it, luring helpless 84-year-old granny to fuck him silly.

Pittsburgh, PA (LNN) "Oops! I crapped my sweatpants!!!" Woman's wet fart turns out to be baby boy.

Gig Harbor, WA (ÆD) Groomer cuts off dogs ear and Superglues it back on. Owner says: "I saw the ear float away, and it freaked me out."

Fort Worth, TX (LNN) Local man attacked by Vampire; Valentines date goes batshit-crazy on him.

Feb. 15, 2007

Miami, FL (ÆD) NBA's Tim Hardaway regrets hating faggots; braces for Mel Gibson Rehab. Hardaway drives hard to the h00p!

Torrington, CN (WTF9) Extremely gay faggot frustrated at long lines for "Dreamgirls" crashes the party...in his SUV.

Hollywood, CA (TæMZ) Convict/stalker today's an challenger appearing to claim paternity of the billion dollar baby.

Feb. 14, 2007

Fort Lauderdale, FL (ÆP) "This body belongs to me right now" Necro Florida judge pwns CA judge over possesion of Anna Nicole's corpse.

Naples, NY (ÆP) GYPPED!!! Cancer victim given 1 year to live wins $1million; to be paid over 20 years.

New York, NY (MSÆNBC) Shallow Speed Dating: Poor men and ugly chicks need not apply.

London, ENGLAND (Ræters) One-in-three Brits think condoms are a waste of money when Jumping Jacks will prevent pregnancy for free.

Feb. 13, 2007

Providence, RI (LNN) Couple busted for home schooling 9-year-old in Kama Sutra.

Olympia, WA (ÆP) Gays attempt legal cock-block on 'traditional' marriage; say: "Kids or GTFO!"

Whiehall, PA (LNN) Local radio station launches anti-Valentines campaign. WZZO site.

Los Angeles, CA (LNN) The perfect Valentines gift...if you like fucking watermelons.

London, ENGLAND (Ræters) Viagra for Valentines? Nothing says "I Love You" like a good and thorough boffing.

Feb. 12, 2007

Hollywood, CA (TæMZ) Ex-bodyguard is latest appearing an challenger in the ongoing Anna Nicole Baby Daddy Competition.

Nassau, BAHAMAS (ÆP) Another challenger appears? Pixplz surface of Anna Nicole in bed with Bahamian Immigration Minister.

New York, NY (LNN) Yet another challenger appears!!! Old man's frozen sperm may be Baby Dannielynn's father in twisted Anna Nicole plot to pwn the J Howard Marshall fortune.

Los Angeles, CA (ÆP) A challenger appears!!! Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince Frederick von Asshat, says: "I might be Anna Nicole's baby daddy."

Feb. 11, 2007

Canberra, AUSTRALIA (LNN) W's best buddy King Howard of the United States of Australia states "Barack Obama? moar liek Iraq Osama, LOL".

Toronto, CANADA (ÆD) Canadian Nuclear Safety Commission website h4><0r3d by /b/tard; leaves message: "Please don't put me in jail......oops, I divided by zero."

Toronto, CANADA (LNN) Jesus tells angry, young, black optomotrist it's okay to go postal on local Andy Rooney.

Conway, WALES (BBCæ) Lad orders traditional English beakfast of bacon, eggs, chips, beans, a fried slice & a cup of tea...on his head...permanently.

Feb. 10, 2007

Orlando, FL (Æ) Walt Disney World's Pedobeast actor arrested for having 'research' material at home.

London, ENGLAND (UKæ) One man army wages letter-bomb Jihad on UK's DMV.

Bantown, Internets (ÆD) ED Sysop KangaJew calls it quits for ED to "pursue other career options." Now we know why.

Feb. 9, 2007

New Britain, CT (LNN) Newspaper reveals the truth: "Magical" rape only hurts if you fight it. see page 7.

New Orleans, LA (BÆT) "(I'm telling my) Mom" turns AN HERO into WINRAR after school beating.

Feb. 8, 2007

Hollywood, FL (Æ) Dead washed-up hooker found washed-up on beach. Trick candle in wind finally snuffed out.

New York, NY (CæNæN) Robots' rights group butthurt over Superbowl ad; accuse General Motors of advocating robot genocide.

Little Rock, AR (LNN) Mom's boyfriend arrested for helping her toddler get some shut-eye.

Feb. 7, 2007

Baghdad, IRAQ (LNN) America develops new weapon for the war in Iraq; will bomb insurgents with 363 ton cash bombs.

London, ENGLAND (Current Bun) Ruh Roh! American GI kills Brit in Iraq. "Dude...you're getting a jail."

Cape Canaveral, FL (ÆP) What do the following have in common?: an astronaut, a daiper, a gun, pepper spray, kidnap and attempted murder: THIS STORY!

Feb. 6, 2007

New York, NY (LNN) Hasbro recalls 1,000,000 JewBake ovens after Li'l Nazis burn fingers.

New York, NY (LNN) Mars pulls new Snickers Gaybar after homosexual chokes to death trying to deep-throat it.

Azarath, WOW (LNN) Roll for +5 Sexxx

Feb. 5, 2007

San Francisco, CA (LNN) SF Mayor Gavin Newsom latest to pull a Mel Gibson; seeks AA's help for cheating with campaign manager's wife.

Sydney, AUSTRALIA (Ræters) Police investigate University of New South Wales for Necrophilia:101 course.

Albany OR (ÆP) Dad arrested for not hitting his 18-month-old son.

Feb. 4, 2007

Washington, DC (Ræters) Cure for cancer found when scientist falls for the old 'loose cap on the salt shaker' trick.

Baghdad, IRAQ (LNN) Iraq embraces W's vision of Democracy by electing terrorist.

Rome, ITALY (Æ) Italian "ULTRAS" show Boston how to doin it rite; troll soccer to death.

Feb. 3, 2007

ENGLAND (BBÆ) A/S/L turns into almost raped

Sydney, AUSTRALIA (æ) CRIKEY! Crocs finally roaming free after years of oppression from Steve Irwin

Sydney, AUSTRALIA (LNN) Kicked banned ex-immigration minister Amanda Vanstone pens the greatest patriotic song of our generation.

Feb. 2, 2007

Delray Beach, FLORIDA (LNN) Woops! Forgot about the kid in the suitcase

Pittsburgh, PENSYLVANIA (LNN) Cheap-ass hubby could only afford half the cat

State College, PA (ÆP) Perfectly lulzy story about pr0n burglar completely ruined by annoying popup.

Feb. 1, 2007

Phoenix, AZ (LNN) Back to school! 29-year-old Pedobear joins 6th Grade class.

Wittenberg, WI (LNN) Oh Shi...here we go again! Terrorists attack with umbrella bomb.

Kansas City, MO (LNN) Cops troll pregnant motorist til she miscarries.