John Walker Lindh

LOL PWND

John Walker Lindh (ジョン・ウアルカ・リーンド）, aka "Hamza Walker Lindh" aka "Suleyman al-Faris" aka "Johnny Jihad", is a loser and terrorist from a rich white family in Marin County, California, with all the drug use and sordid buttsex that implies.

Prep

A nice German-American Catholic boy who really ort to 'ave known better, Johnny was a well-known closet case (=homo) and hi-skool luser who never got over Mommy and Daddy's divorce. Deciding to take out his frustrations on the world, he skipped over the normal, all-American teen-angst stages of nihilism such as cutting and Death Metal and went straight to homicidal rage, converting to Islam (=TERRORISM) in 1997. After the ritual teabagging and coprophagia that marks one's entry into that beautiful religion, Lindh traveled to Yemen in 1998 to learn Klingon so that he would be able to read the Qur'an in its original language. He returned to the Great Satan in 1999 to pick up his high school yearbook, then road-tripped it to Outer Shitholistan (formerly Pakistan) to get his GED at Adolf Elizabeth Hitler Prep, an Islamic school for the performing and terrorist arts.

College and Greek Years

Don't ask. It's complicated.

Lindh entered The University of Shitholistan at Valley Creek in the spring of 2001, with a major in in Nuclear Death Physics, but switched to Primary Education two weeks into the semester. During Rush Week he was quickly tapped and nicknamed "Karen Carpenter" by his Sig Eps brothers for his austere build and prodigious use of emetics. During his pledge summer, "Carp" reportedly had a romantic encounter with Al Qaeda, Inc. CEO Osama bin Laden himself, who crossed penises with the young American at a freshman mixer and offered him prodigious amounts of drugs and a starting position with Jihad Industries as a junior account executive in the Northern Shitholistan office. After a night of drinking and frenching with the erstwhile mad bomber, Lindh accepted the gig from an intoxicated bin Laden, later dropping off the comatose, drunken freedom fighter in a shopping cart in front of his parents' house before dawn. Score!

In N. S'h'stan, Lindh started off in the mailroom running the copier, but soon found himself promoted to spear-carrier and deputy chief tongue boy for the district manager of the local terror cell. His career took off in earnest in September, 2001, when the management of America, Inc. executed a hostile takeover of A-Q's N. S'h't'h'l's'n division. He was captured on November 25, 2001, by local forces and taken to a filthy Mexican jail airlifted brick by brick from Juaréz to Asia for just such purposes. There, he was pwned by CIA interrogator Mike Spann, who made him crap his pants, cry, and sign over all his traveler's checks (known as "cheques" in Asia).

Unfortunately, Spann was killed when the local Al-Qs killed the white devils and busted out of the joint. He went straight to Valhalla. The cowardly Lindh took a bullet in the ass (known as an "arse" in Asia and the UK) on the way out the door and was recaptured on December 2, 2001. He was then brought back to civilization and given a trial. His testimony consisted of a lot of crying, pants-peeing, and involuntary defecation, plus the statement "I plead guilty. I provided my services as a soldier and tongue-boy to the Taliban last year from about August to December. In the course of doing so, I carried a rifle, two grenades, a jar of Manischewitz gefilte fish — don't ask, it's complicated — a copy of that month's Oprah Book Club selection (Nappy, Nappy, Nappy: 500 Years of Negro Hair Envy In America by Crystal Gail Mangum), a disposable enema, my pancreas, and a baby's arm holding an apple. I did so knowingly and willingly knowing that it was illegal."

Graduate Studies

The invincible Islamic freedom fighter is now locked up like a teenage Mormon on prom night at the spectacular IMAX 3-D Detention Dome in Florence, Colorado, the federal Supermax facility, where he is working for a Masters in Cement Wall Studies. Other notable alumni held here are Theodore "Ted" Kaczynski (The Unabomber), Ramzi "Van Man" Yousef (mastermind of the first World Trade Center bombing) and funnyman Rich Little as Elizabeth Smart.

Post-Grad

He gets out in 2019.

You know what to do.

External Links

• freejohnwalker.net, because John Walker Lindh is an American Hero.