Etsy

The average Etsy patron.

For a mere $48, this vaginafly can be yours!

So many identical octopus necklaces from so many different artists- which one to buy?

Etsy is a website where 'indie' artists sell their wares. When an artist can't make it in the real world, he or she will turn to this website, whose patrons will gobble up their overpriced wastes of resources because they can't distinguish between real art and cheap shit. Fans of Etsy praise the artists that use the website for being so creative and unique, but a simple visit to the site will show all but the most brainwashed of retards that this praise is unfounded. For every 'original' necklace or sculpture, there is likely to be at least ten other necklaces and sculptures exactly like them. With its miles upon miles of copycats, ridiculous levels of USI, eye-melting products, and overpriced 'art', Etsy is truly the DeviantART of the arts and crafts world.

Etsy's Art

The horrors found within Etsy can easily be broken down into five categories. The artists who specialize in each category are generally vapid fuckwits who can't make money selling their goods at the local farmer's market.

Hipster Art- Hipster art usually consists of a traced or printed-out image pasted onto a 30-cent, plastic piece of jewelery. Uncreative and untalented, the 'artists' who manufacture this shit get away with stealing others' art by finding old, public-domain images and transferring them onto other mediums. Many hipster artists use the same images for 'inspiration', which means that 90% of Etsy's hipster art looks EXACTLY the same. The jewelery and prints they make are lapped up by gullible 16 year old girls and gigantic artfaggots who are too lazy or too stupid to find the images their favorite artists rip off of online and use them themselves.

File:SteampunkUSI.jpg

The most expensive USB drive ever?

Steampunk Art- The Steampunk sensation has infested Etsy, and a massive chunk of Etsy's products are Steampunk themed. For a modest few hundred dollars, you may be able to purchase an everyday object with gears fastened onto it! Steampunk artists know that their fanbase is batshit insane and will pay top price for anything adorned with brass. They are probably the most intelligent of Etsy's artists, as they have cornered a ravenous market that will eat up their mind-feces, no matter how low-quality it is.

Pagan Art - Pagans (particularly the batshit insane feminist variety who call themselves "wombn" and wax lyrical about blood mysteries) have made their way into Etsy, and with them has come their wide array of psuedo-mystical crap. Instead of vomiting their ugly crafts onto the pagan-specific netherregions of the interweb, they have decided to introduce their magickal relics to a wider audience. Pagan artists create their goods by foraging around their backyards (or the local park, since most of them can't afford land), picking up sticks and rocks, and gluing them onto necklaces or making them into 'wands'.

Traditional Crafts- The traditional craftsmen on Etsy have mastered obscure niche trades such as leatherworking and have resorted to selling their finished products online. While these individuals may actually be talented, they are just as worthless as the rest of the artists for siphoning their talent into a trade that nobody actually cares about anymore. Their goods are often bought by old people (taxidermy reminds me of grandpa!) or indie kids who want to look sophisticated. While their products may actually be high-quality and beautiful, it's much more convenient and less expensive to simply buy something that is mass produced.

Insane Art- Do you think that the hide of your dead cat is sellable art? Do you like to paint pictures with your vagina? If so, then you may just have an account on Etsy. Some people in this world are irreparably crazy, and many of them like to sell a bit of their crazy on Etsy. If you are browsing Etsy and you come across something that is mind-bogglingly strange, you may have come across a piece of insane art. Nobody knows if anybody actually buys some of the stranger items because anybody who did would probably keep to himself.

Etsy Patrons

Even worse than Etsy's sellers are the people who buy the horseshit. The average Etsy patron is an art school reject who doesn't have the talent to make his or her own accessories. Most of these talentless hacks are still dependent upon their parents' money and fuel their expensive addiction to bad art with their poor elders' retirement money. Most Etsy fans have little to no fashion sense and believe that loading up their shriveled bodies with fake vintage accessories is just as effective as planning out an attractive outfit. You can detect an Etsy patron by the toxic fumes of pretentiousness it gives off.

File:Etsyfan1.jpg

An Etsy lover in its natural state.

File:Etsypendant.jpg

This phallic stick-on-a-rope is just one of the many magikal items one can find on Etsy.