Virgin Mary

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The "Virgin" Mary was a Jewish whore who is known for being the mother of Jesus Christ. You have probably seen her before tattooed on some obese Mexican, because they are horny for her. Catholics practically worship her, though they will deny this vehemently claiming that they only "venerate" her. Beyond giving birth to Jesus, she really is not known for anything else and is pretty irrelevant. The Virgin Mary is another historical example of a woman riding the coattails of a successful male.

The 30 year old virgin

Impregnation

Little is known about her early life. According to the apocrypha she was betrothed to an old pedo jew named Joseph when she was between 12 and 14 and they settled down in a little town called Nazareth. One day she was visited by some nigga named Gabriel who had life changing news for her. Basically God wanted a piece of her hot loli ass, but he was too nervous to talk to her himself so he sent an angel (Gabriel) to do it. Mary, being a cheating whore, agreed to go on a date with God. God took her to a nice restaurant, then went back to her house where they enjoyed a bottle of wine together and then subsequently had sex. Unfortunately, the condom ripped and God filled her holy cunt with his hot cum. They met up a few more times, but when God found out Mary was pregnant he left her. Some scholars argue that this is evidence that God, and in turn Jesus, was black.

Birth of Jesus

Mary was scared to tell Joseph at first, but as the pregnancy became more obvious she was forced to come clean. It turns out that Joseph had a huge cuckold fetish, and was turned on by Mary being pregnant with someone elses child. From that day on, Joseph would frequently invite Nubians to fuck Mary while he watched. They lived happily in Nazareth until one day the romans told them to go to Bethlehem to take part in a census. When they arrived in Bethlehem, Mary gave birth to Jesus on a shit covered floor. Since Mary and Joseph were stingy jews, they decided to save a few shekels by staying in a manger rather than an inn. After Jesus was born, three random guys showed up and gave Mary some shitty gifts in hopes of having a gangbang.

Mary, Mother of God

So this is where things get really crazy. King Herod heard about the birth of Jesus and wanted him dead for some reason, and this forced Mary and Joseph to flee to Egypt for a short time, before returning to Nazareth. So Jesus is now a young boy and the family traveled to Jerusalem to celebrate Passover. While returning to Nazareth, Mary was too busy getting her pussy rammed by fat Jewish cock to realize that she left her fucking son in Jerusalem, making her the shittiest mom in history. After this, Mary becomes a minor character and appears every once in a while in the bible.

Later Life

Nobody is really sure what Mary did after Jesus died. At this point, she was a milf and was probably not going to live much longer. Catholics believe that once Jesus was out of the picture, God and Mary got back together and she moved in with him in heaven.

The Holy Whore

Catholics will essentially claim that anything out of the ordinary is a sign from Mary. Mary does everything from helping you pass a test to curing cancer. There have been many instances where deluded Catholics witness "miraculous" events caused by her.

Our Lady of Fátima

One day in the 1916, three little delinquents decided to troll the entire nation of Portugal by telling everyone they were chilling out with Mary. Since Portugal is full of retards, people believed them. The children made up all sorts of things about how she told them to pray the rosary and gave them visions of hell. Things came to a climax when the little brats gathered a crowd of 100,000 people to Fátima by promising that Mary would preform a miracle. Lo and behold the blessed virgin appeared in the sky and flashed her beautiful tits. Guess the kids were not lying after all!

Our Lady of Guadalupe

This is the one that Mexicans all over the world are absolutely obsessed with, which is funny considering how it more than likely never even happened. In 1530 some Aztec guy named Juan Diego was bragging about how he was talking to the Mary. He claimed that they went on a few dates and she even gave him a blowjob. Long story short some bishop got mad and said he didn't believe Juan, but was later proven wrong. The story is extremely long and boring. Our Lady of Guadalupe has become a symbol of Mexico despite the fact that it is completely made up.

Our Lady of Lourdes

In 1858, a mentally ill French loli named Bernadette Soubirous was out gathering firewood out in the countryside when she met the mother of God. Mary told her that a nearby spring had healing waters for some reason. Once again, a bunch of gullible adults played make believe with a child, and Bernadette would have seventeen more visions. Despite being visited by hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, there have only been sixty "miraculous" healing from the spring.