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Doe Deere
Doe Deere (aka Dough, Doh, Xenis, Xenu, Doe Derp, Dodo, bustyblondeangel, prettypuppy48, princessmoth, barb1efrommars, sushibabies4, Thunderwear, Lime Crime, and Xenia) is a Russian mail order bride suffering from inconsistent personality disorder who moved to the US in 1999 to marry the oldest looking 25 year old ever and to make a name for herself in the lolcow industry.
As a fashion school dropout who went on to become a failed fashion designer and a failed musician (twice), the self-proclaimed "Queen of Unicorns" is well on her way to becoming world famous and having her face plastered upon every surface in existence (at least she likes to think so). Most recently, Dough has invented bright colors and begun selling original and innovative repackaged cosmetics.
Dough currently has over 9000 sockpuppets and two friends (a.k.a. her mom and sister) who assist her and her husband in her attempts to scour the internets and delete anything factual written about her company.
From Humble Origins
Early Scams
Like many Internet Celebretards, Doe originally got her start as a weeaboo known as Thunderwear. In 2004, she changed her brand's name to Lime Crime and would scam people by selling crap loli dresses on eBay that she would hem with duct tape because she was too lazy to ask her mom to sew shit for her. It was around this time that her obsession with fellow fashion designer Shrinkle began, as Doe's designs were basically just shitty rip-offs of hers. After their friendship ended, Doe started a new business in 2006 selling rip-offs of her new friend Supayana's designs under the name "A Little Country For An Urban Girl."
After realizing nobody was interested in the unfinished home-ec projects of a ginger weeaboo skank, she instead started a fake raffle for an animal shelter to make money and got all butthurt when people asked her which shelter they were supposedly donating to before giving the name of a shelter that doesn't actually exist. Soon after, Doe started another raffle, this time claiming to donate the proceeds to the Canadian Pet Rescue. Suspicions were raised and Paypal was contacted, who shut down Doe's account after no evidence of her charity drive was found.
When she wasn't busy scamming people, Doe spent her time trolling Livejournal under her numerous sockpuppet accounts while claiming that she was busy living an "enviable" and fabulous life.
Failed Music Career
In 2002, Doe started a "rock" band with her husband called Sky Salt that had so much trouble booking shows that Doe had to rent her own club for a night just so that her band could finally play a show. Of course, this night was a failure, as it was confirmed that only 25 people showed up, most of which made the wise decision to leave before Doe's band even started playing.
— A former fan | ||
Despite this, she touted her show as a huge success, claiming that hundreds of people showed up and the media called her "the next Bjork." No evidence of this praise was ever found and any comments asking to see these reviews were promptly deleted. Sky Salt disbanded in 2006.
As a result, Doe became so depressed the following year that she could barely even bring herself to post on livejournal anymore. However, she couldn't keep herself away from her computer for long and soon felt the overwhelming urge to further infest the internet by whoring herself out for more attention and money. Failing to take the hint from her first failed attempt at a career in music, she recorded some horrible elevator muzak and posted it on myspace, hoping to become discovered and therefore famous.
— Doe Deere, wishful thinking | ||
This too resulted in failure, mostly because having shit pumped through one's head with a fire hose is more pleasant than listening to Doe's shitty excuse for music. With a failed clothing line and another failed music career, Dough was forced to get an IRL job to make money and started working at a bank in 2007.
Lime Crime Makeup
In 2008, Dough turned her money-sniffing talents to the cosmetics industry. Realizing the internet is full of 16 year old girls dumb enough to spend $16 on half a gram of glitter (which Doe herself has said, read next section) and lap up her unhygienic makeup advice, she printed some unicorn stickers, slapped it on a bunch of wholesale jars, and called it Lime Crime makeup.
Dough's first step was to work with chemists to make a brand new formula so that her eyeshadows would be the brightest on the market place a giant order for wholesale micas from TKB and sell them at a 4000% markup. When a number of blogs reviewed her makeup and pointed out that Dough lied about making her own eyeshadows, she decided to prove them wrong by uploading a video of herself "making" eyeshadows. Of course, this video bears no resemblance to a video, made by the wholesaler she purchased her micas from, on how to make eyeshadows that was posted 2 years earlier (however, Dough managed to forget the gloves). She also posted a video doing a comparison swatch of LC shadows applied wet next to TKB micas applied dry.
After the entire internet realized she was just repackaging micas and selling them as eyeshadows, Dough realized that if she didn't start selling something else she'd be forced to get an actual job. Thus, Lime Crime Lipsticks were born. Shaped like a bright pink tampon with a glittery unicorn sticker, Lime Crime lipsticks revolutionized the makeup industry sucked as bad as the eyeshadows did.
What Doe really thinks about her customers
In response to negativity concerning the quality of Lime Crime, Doe said the following:
http://ncarinae.tumblr.com/post/2499335039/arietide-tommelise-tropigalia-haterina
Here, Doe stated her wanting to make her shop exclusive to invites/friends, which she won't actually do because of her lack of friends. But even if she went through with this, she obviously doesn't realize that its unnecessary--considering the fact that people who DON'T want to buy Lime Crime would have no reason to create accounts to begin with. Here, she also concluded that people who write comments on BLOGS have no life, while she basically spends her time praising herself on her blog and sock-puppeting daily whenever she isn't pouring "her" micas from baggies to 15 cent jars.
Lime Crime vs. Revlon
In a pre-Lime Crime lipstick makeup tutorial that has since been taken down, Xenia listed the products used--one of which was a red Revlon lipstick. Later on, using the same photo of the finished tutorial, she posted it on her Lime Crime website claiming that in the very noticeably, newly photoshopped image she was wearing her own "true red, opaque" lipstick in Retrofuturist. Clearly, the Unicorn Queen can't even keep up with her own lies.
Lime Crime vs. Internet Bullies
Like any good lolcow who tries to make money selling crap on the internet, Dough realized the only way she could silence the bad reviews about her makeup company was to threaten to sue anyone who said anything bad about her. She posted in her blog, rallying all her fans to take action.
—Doe Deere, asking for it | ||
Rather than just improve her shitty products, Dough called in her attorney at lol on one blogger, Gothique, demanding she take down the review (reposted here) that said LC lipsticks were mediocre and overpriced and replace it with a scripted apology. At this very moment she is gathering her forces of sockpuppets to take down the internets, also known as the voices in Dough's head. And Mark.
Please keep in mind how often she blinks. Definitely not a liar.
Despite her abundance of tantrums over "bullies" conspiring against her (and her consequent BAWWWWWing for attention and reassurance), Dough is more than willing to publicly accuse anyone that disagrees with her of being stupid:
Shrinkle Obsession
History
Since 2002, Dough has had an unhealthy obsession with Amy, aka Shrinkle. Initially friends (after eBay and friendster stalking Shrinkle for months), Shrinkle provided Dough with the Kryolan makeup she sold on eBay. This inspired Dough to set her makeup gun to "whore" and unleash step-by-step instructions on how to look like a two year old fingerpainted on your face, much to the lulz of the makeup artist community. Both would sell DIY clothing on eBay for hundreds of dollars with Shrinkle creating a design pattern and Dough unabashedly ripping it off by the end of the week.
When Dough's powertrips in her livejournal communities began alienating customers, Shrinkle parted ways and continued to be successful, whilst Dough cried on her pile of poorly restitched Marilyn Manson t-shirts. As tears gave way to anger, she and Mark began sockpuppeting in livejournal communities under the name prettypuppy48 to tell everyone how wonderful Lime Crime is and what a big bad drunk Shrinkle is, all the while publicly kissing Shrinkle's ass any time Shrinkle got any sort of press.
In the meanwhile, Dough focused her bodysnatching on other online personalities such as Johanna Öst and Supayana. Like Shrinkle, both girls eventually ran as fast as they could when they could no longer stand Dough's powertrips and smothering.
Lime Crime vs. Sugarpill
Fast forward to 2010, and the obsession continues. Shrinkle announces her upcoming launch for her own make-up brand, Sugarpill Cosmetics and Dough begins sockpuppeting again, this time anonymously in a comment thread stemming from a poorly researched article about Lime Crime micas. Taking time out from her busy-repouring-wholesale-mica-into-smaller-jars schedule, Dough brushed the cupcake crumbs off her Mickey Mouse sweater and started a troll campaign about how much Shrinkle is teh suxxorz and Lime Crime is not teh suxxorz.
Customers and fans of Shrinkle would immediately jump to her defense and pwn Dough, so she would retreat back in to her Pepto Bismol vomit house and check Craigslist to see if anyone responded to her "be my friend so haterz will like me" ad.
Upon seeing that only Mark was responding to her ad, Dough immediately checks twitter to sees hundreds of people are buying Sugarpill, including Mark, who has bought two palettes to go along with the scarf he stole from Dough's mom's closet. While waiting for a response to her Butthurt form, she notices a page from one of her wholesale makeup catalogs stuck to the bottom of one of her ugly patio paint covered shoes. She immediately takes pictures of Mark's Sugarpill palettes along with the wholesale ad and posts them anonymously as "proof" that Shrinkle repackages her make-up from LaFemme.
A commenter on the article found out that the camera details on Dough's account match up to the camera details on the sockpuppet account. Dough then went back to the kitchen and left huge mascara laden crocodile tears all over her TKB stash and uneaten cupcakes from her tea party of fail. Dough still had the audacity to deny any wrongdoing despite the existence of evidence to the contrary.
More Sockpuppets
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She's the reason why reviewers don't like Lime Crime makeup!
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Shrinkle made her company look bad to attract publicity.
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"She repackaged wholesale makeup, not me!!!!!"
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Her life is less interesting than Dough's.
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"Shrinkle lies to make herself look successful! I never do that!!!"
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"Shrinkle is the one who's desperate for friends because I'm totally not at all!!"
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"Because I never tag along with anyone to pretend I have friends ever!!!!"
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"Shrinkle actually gives a shit about me!"
Doe Deere Blogazine
—Dough, a true style icon |
After livejournal could no longer be bothered to give a shit about her, Dough did what every other pretentious attention whore with too much unwarranted self-importance does and turned to the blogosphere, creating the Doe Deere Blogazine to showcase her "uniqueness." Featuring "makeup tutorials, style & fashion tips, tales of living in NYC, as well personal musings from Miss Deere," Dough's blog is basically a shittier and more obnoxious version of blogs like galadarling.com with even less credibility and original content. Regardless, she likes to believe that she is an inspiration and a role model to the 16 year old girls who read her blog and will post about how much they adore and admire her at every opportunity.
Typical Content
- Editorials: TL;DR articles where Dough pretends to be knowledgeable on a certain subject, thus making herself look like a complete twat. When she can't be bothered to think of something to write about, she'll just plagiarize someone else's writing.
- Excursions: For when Dough actually leaves her house. These entries often feature photos of her posing awkwardly with other people in attempt to appear popular and sociable IRL.
- Fun & Games: Instead of throwing away her cheap and unwanted garbage, Dough gives it away to one of her readers in attempt to seem kind and charitable.
- Inspiration: Entries full of stolen photos. No credit is given to the photographers because that would just take attention away from Dough.
- Letters from Readers: Readers write to Dough asking for advice on how to be more like her, because she is just so unique and inspirational. It is suspected that most of these "readers" are actually Dough herself, as that would give her another opportunity to praise herself.
- Makeup Tutorials: For anyone who wants to pile makeup on their face with both eyes shut. After all, who wouldn't want to look like this?
- Photoshoots: Because she can't possibly display her own face enough.
- Style Diary: Pictures of obnoxious outfits to appeal to teenagers who strive to be OMG different, in which Dough parades around looking like a colorblind fucktard.
- Unicorn Queen: More of Dough doing what she does best: talking about herself. In other words, nothing interesting is ever posted in this category.
Dough often tries to appear charitable in her blog, but has admitted to stealing and thinks that it is totally okay (however she later removed the line about stealing the jacket from her blog). She also manages to lie at least 100 times in a single entry and is often unable to get her own story straight. For example: Dough originally claims that she moved to the US at age 17. Later on, she posted a blog entry that said otherwise and then proceeded to delete fucking everything that stated that she moved at age 17.
Fortunately, most people above the age of 16 are able to see Dough's blog as the cesspool of lies, hypocrisy, and garbage that it really is, as all the rainbows and glitter in the universe aren't enough to cover it up. For everyone else, there is...
Team Candyfuture
Still not satisfied with the amount of attention she was receiving, Dough decided to start a fan club for herself. Those who have been successfully brainwashed may apply by kissing Dough's ass to prove that they are worthy, as "only the best and most loyal" fans are chosen. Members, also known as "Futurettes," will often be found white knighting wherever anything bad is said about their "Unicorn Queen," insisting that the "haters" need to "get a life!!!!" This behavior can be seen in basically every 5 star comment posted here. The most dedicated fans draw fanart of Dough for her to fap to.
After a blogger posted an unfavorable review of Lime Crime lipsticks, Dough became butthurt and sent an email to her minions, encouraging them to spam the blogger's personal email address to tell her how great Lime Crime is. Meanwhile, Dough acted sweet to the reviewer to make herself look good.
Pulling A Doe
You know you've pulled a Doe when:
- You masturbate to your own image
- You photograph yourself on an almost daily basis
- You produce a booklet of yourself and call it a "collector's item"
- You make an "appearance" and give away autographed posters of yourself
- You have a watchlist of people you want to be and then do everything they do
- You take down the big bad bullies who don't rave about your products
- You contradict yourself on a daily basis
- You claim to invent something that already exists(in her case--the color spectrum, pigmented cosmetics, and makeup tutorials)
- You surround yourself with indoor cats because you don't have any real-life friends that don't consist of naive, 14-year-old girls on Facebook
- You feed your animals toxic foods, blog about how much they love it, and then after being informed of its effects, claim that you don't do it.
- You repackage and sell wholesale mica in 50 cent jars and justify your own actions by slapping custom-made stickers on them.
- You buy a pack of children's sunglasses at Wal-Mart and then sell them for $40 to adults
- You only attend public events and take pictures with complete strangers in order to make it look like you have friends.
Animal Rights "Activism"
These days, Dough's cause of the week seems to be animal lovers, particularly vegans. Having no idea what a "vegan" is (or a dictionary, for that matter), she pulled a Dough and decided that it must mean "hipster type stupid people with lots of money to give to meeeeeeee." She began advertising her dirty kitchen micas and lipsticks as vegan, then asked people on twitter if vegan is a person, place or thing.
When everyone told her to STFU, she acted in typical butthurt fashion and refused to change any of her press releases, bios, or site information claiming that her cochineal laden products are vegan. Being the beacon of intelligent thought that she is, Dough claimed that she's one too u guise except for fish, burgers, chicken and veal on Fridays. And that she still wears fur; but it's okay, because her Mom forced her to and told her that New York winters made fur wearing an absolute MUST.
Clearly having not learnt her lesson from being outed for her previous animal charity scam, she struck again by telling people to buy her lipsticks so she can donate the money to Bide-A-Wee. When asked what percentage of the profits would be donated to Bide-A-Wee, Dough responded by sticking her mica covered fingers in her ears and galloping off into the night on her hooves.
Other animal rights fubars committed by Dough include:
- Failing at vegetarianism in one of the world's most vegetarian friendly-cities.
- Not realizing she should save the seals because she didn't know how cute they were
- Poisoning her cat Puffalo with grapes, then denying it (see comment #8)
- Declaring herself the queen of the Unicorns, much to the dismay of Unicorns everywhere
A Psychological Analysis
This Person is Completely Fucking Insane
By Bob Williams, clinical psychologist
Psychologically speaking, the individual Doe Deere exhibits behaviors that can be described as nothing short of "fucking insane". These behaviors include but are not limited to: having delusions of grandeur, being a complete attention whore and a hypocritical bitch, and having no empathy. Upon closer examination, it becomes evident that this individual's fucked up combination of narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders leads to such high levels of unwarranted self-importance and such a desperate need for attention that the diagnosis of "fucking insane" is not enough to explain it and a diagnosis of "completely fucking insane" is necessary.
This illness is severe and is based on repressed feelings of inferiority combined with a desperate need for admiration and fame. Individuals like Doe Deere will display a complete disregard for others, an insanely high need for attention, and a strong sense of entitlement, all of which manifests itself in relationships. Such a completely fucking insane individual will become fixated upon famous personalities who possess actual talent, desperately trying to emulate them and be their friend, though the relationships always lack actual depth due to the fact that the individual is completely insane. Such relationships will inevitably come to an end once the "friend" realizes the true extent of Dough's insanity and proceeds to gets the fuck away from her, which is what all psychologists strongly advise.
— A former friend speaks out |
Because it is impossible for the completely fucking insane to attribute any fault to themselves, they will often use the psychological phenomenon of "projection" to deny that they are pathetic failures, therefore placing the blame upon others. This leads to internet drama and even further insanity, which is clearly displayed in Dough's persistent attempts to sabotage Shrinkle and to convince everyone else of her own superiority. In addition, Dough's insanity sometimes sparks lulzy fights with other useless attention whores.
Completely fucking insane individuals will frequently lie intentionally and without any remorse, despite how ridiculous the claim is and how much evidence exists against it. Additionally, people like Doe Deere have an inability to feign normalcy, modesty, and genuine kindness, but will still attempt to do so in a pathetic manner, therefore generating many lulz.
Prospects: Because those diagnosed as "completely fucking insane" deny that there is anything wrong with them, psychologists generally consider the illness untreatable and those afflicted by this condition "beyond help". Due to this, the psychological community believes that Doe Deere will continue to infest the tubes to show off her special personality, providing endless opportunities for entertainment.
Gallery
The Unicorn Queen
The epitome of classy and unique.
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I R Shrinkle! -
Nvrmind, I R Supayana! -
No wait, I R Johanna!
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Okay, now I'm... what?
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I can has greedy whore? -
Dough's How-To-Do Makeup for Stevie Wonder -
Dough denies being Princess Moth even though she has a tutorial for a look called "Princess Moth" -
Slurping the brains of orphans.
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Dough couldn't even wash her hair for her wedding -
After sucking off Papa Smurf, Dough looks for an appropriate sized dildo. -
Her original weeaboo clothing line. -
What happens to you when a Unicorn Queen is lurking under your bed at night...
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The lipstick that doubles as a tampon -
"Is my face on every side on this damn thing, yet?" -
The Unicorn Queen shares her intellectually stimulating thoughts on porn with her 13 year old blog readers. -
Even Xenis' friend-of-the-week friends talk shit behind her back -
Xenis' daily regimen of cum covered chicken periods. -
Good idea Shrinkle, needs moar Xenis tho. -
Dough, before and after using copious amounts of photoshop. -
Staying classy. -
What her makeup looks like without all of the photoshop. -
The lipsticks, totally worth $16 each. -
Soccer mom haute couture. -
On special occassions like leaving the house, the Unicorn Queen dresses to impress. Lucky she has such fashion forward arm-candy too! Calm yourselves, ladies. -
"I love your makeup!" Facial expression translator: "Wow. You put that on, looked in the mirror and then left the house like that? And no one hurled feces at you on the way here? Incredible!" -
Dough is a pastel, pukey version of Flava Flav. -
Dough finally finds some friends.
Shenanigans
Remember: professional, polite, and friendly.
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Dough: Someone who doesn't know to remove q-tip from her ear when she meets resistance.
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BAWWWWW the internet bullies don't like me -
Xenis gets caught red handed -
2027, the Year of Candy Future
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Xenis was somehow able to wear a lipstick one year before it was actually invented! -
Yeah, this color looks exactly the same as the original.
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Xenis acts out of character and is shady in a public forum, as opposed to her usual tactic of donning a sockpuppet beforehand. -
Xenis uses an image without permission! Shocking!! -
A desperate plea for friendship. -
Xenis gets caught trying to pass off someone else's event as a party for her.
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Why yes Xenis, fans of Sugarpill will definitely be interested in spending $12 on a gram of repackaged makeup.
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Not all of her bodysnatching victims remain mum on the subject of Xenis. -
Doh asks her minions to spam a reviewer. -
Doh holds a contest to see which one of her minions is the 2nd best lying whore. (Doh is the title holder of Best Lying Whore) -
Xenis doesn't even try to hide her shillbidding. Old habits die hard! -
Xenis is the bestest at math, u guise. -
Spreading"rainbows and butterflies"more lies. -
Xenis gets pwned after talking shit again. -
Mod Cloth apologizes for the awful that is Xenis. -
Xenis' former fan publicly jumps ship. -
Hacking Amy so she can find out (via her DMs) who Amy's business contacts are. Then leaving an obvious trail so she can deny it later. -
Lazily leaves out evidence of what private label she gets her lipsticks from. -
Didn't even bother to wear her own lipstick or fix up her shoddy photoshop skills. -
Completely denies having photoshopped the image, regardless of evidence being shoved in her face countless times.
See Also
- Attention Whore
- Blogger
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Histrionic personality disorder
- Unwarranted Self-Importance
- Inconsistent personality disorder
- Internet Celebrity
- Trying too hard
- "Internet Model"
- "Vegetarian"
- Ripoff
External Links
- The Dough Is A Lie.
- Purchase Overpriced Micas and Chalky Lipsticks.
- Dough's twitter.
- Dough's myspace.
- Mark's myspace, bonus LOLZ.
- Narcissism in action.
- Ask Dough a question.
- Dough on ModelMayhem, sooooo professional.
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Doe Deere is part of a series on Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage. |