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Yellowsnakepoet

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yellowsnakepoet, also known as poetaserpamrlla, languid_ardor, poeta_azul, merrylapdog, or mrsthomastallis, and probably several hundred other names is a LiveJournal user with a long history of virginity, fail, and judgmental bullshit.

She is a poor, Wiccan, childfree, bisexual stalker who suffers from social anxiety disorder and parental "abuse." Her whining and need for attention are epic even by LJ standards.

"Sarah"

Back in 2005, yellowsnakepoet arrived on LJ with a sad story to tell: she had fallen in love with her best friend, Sarah, but she was afraid to say anything for fear of losing the friendship. This is something that happens to almost everybody at one point or another, regardless of sexual orientation, and it's legitimately shitty. HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS! However, as anyone who's suffered this problem knows, complaining won't make it go away, and sometimes you just have to take the chance.

The members of suckitupdyke, a lesbian advice community that, as the name implies, is not in the habit of coddling whiners, initially offered practical advice and sympathy. Yellowsnakepoet rejected any suggestions that might require her to do something, and continued to post.

And post.

And post.

Just to give you an idea:

The comm members became annoyed and, frankly, creeped out at hearing every detail of yellowsnakepoet's confession of love to her friend, her rejection, the inevitable awkwardness and friendship breakup, the stalking, and her excruciatingly detailed and tl;dr accounts of her misery and loneliness. Predictably, they finally told her to -- wait for it -- SUCK IT UP, DYKE. She left in a huff.

SOMEONE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STICK IT IN ME

Heartbroken, yellowsnakepoet moved on to posting in other communities about how bad she wanted to have sex with somebody -- anybody -- and how very lonely she was. Surprisingly, this did not result in anyone showing interest.

Her more notable flirting tactics included:

She also comment-whored over at cf_hardcore, but they didn't like her either.

Snark communities

Looking for some distraction from her eternal pain, yellowsnakepoet joined domestic_snark, where members make fun of stupid posts in places like hipdomestics and food_porn. Everybody on LJ knows that snark communities exist for making fun of people, except somehow yellowsnakepoet missed the memo and started berating everybody for being OMG MEEN.

Records reveal that she suffered butthurt after one of her own posts ended in massive fail and she had to delete it.

Most notably, she went after clockworktomato for making a post full of lulz and win about someone's cluttered, fugly, Hello-Kitty-infested apartment. The ensuing drama was epic, with the original poster bringing in her boyfriend and several friends to defend her, and yellowsnakepoet felt she had to put in her two cents as well, accusing clockworktomato of classism and wishing karmic retribution upon her. The community responded with LOL.

   
“ 		 
I'm not an idiot because I came here to defend a person who has been attacked unfairly.
  		„
  		 

—yellowsnakepoet

   
“ 		 
No, you're right. That's not why you're an idiot.
  		„
  		 

—clockworktomato, for the motherfucking win

Poorer-than-thou

Still undaunted in her quest for sympathy and attention, yellowsnakepoet moved on to Poor skills, a land of blithering idiots who don't know how to pay their fucking bills. Common questions there include "how do I make money?" (lol, if anyone there knew they wouldn't be poor) and "do you have any recipes?" Surely, if any place would accept yellowsnakepoet, this had to be it.

(N.B.: All posts in poor_skills are locked to prevent drama, LOL.)

As usual, she started out with some sob stories about how she was soon to become homeless because her family was abusive and she had no where else to go. Also as usual, people started out trying to help her, but it wasn't long before they realized she had no intention of listening to anything they said because she was there for pity, not advice. She couldn't afford a hostel or a hotel, she couldn't get a job, she couldn't stay on her college campus over break, and she couldn't stay with friends because she had no friends at all, not even one.

In an effort to prove how worthy of sympathy she was, yellowsnakepoet started bitching whenever the subject of buying things with money came up: the community had to know that she didn't have any money at all, and she didn't understand how people could ever buy beer or shoes or cheese when she was soooooo poooooooor. Lecturing people about how they spent their own money didn't go over well at all, especially since she refused to define an acceptable level of poverty.

Finally she managed to piss everyone off in a thread about car maintenance by butting in and asking how people knew about fixing cars, and when someone responded, responding "I'm actually poor, so I don't own a car." Everybody went WTF because you basically have to own a car in most places in the US just to survive, but she insisted that no one who was truly poor would be able to buy a car, because she's apparently never heard of Crazy Bob's High-Interest Auto Loans (good credit, bad credit, NO CREDIT, we say yes!) and so thinks you have to save up in your piggy bank for one, or something.

At this point, a reasonable person might have realized that she'd alienated the community beyond repair, but no one ever accused yellowsnakepoet of being reasonable, so she came back a week later asking for more homelessness advice because nobody gave her an answer she liked the first time. In the course of comments, members learned that she had gotten a job at a fast-food place, but she'd had to quit on the second day because it was too traumatic.

   
“ 		 
I cannot make sandwiches. It's just too stressful
  		„
  		 

—yellowsnakepoet, who would apparently prefer sleeping in a dumpster

People gave up on her and started throwing out advice like "newspapers under your clothes will keep you warm" and "become a hooker, sex helps relieve stress." Others, drawing upon her history, had even better ideas:

   
“ 		 
Hmm, too bad you dont have a car to live in as an alternative.
  		„
  		 

—starfyre_dragon

Shortly after all this happened, yellowsnakepoet dropped off LJ, presumably to go sleep on the streets. However, just recently, she reappeared to complain about the unfairness of the world:

 
“ 		 
There should be, but there isn't, because the world sucks.

It makes me laugh and feel pissed off at the same time to realize that the very rules of society that protect me are the same ones that screw me over when I'm outta money. I can't just go live in someone else's house, because that's not allowed, I can't take money from a tip jar somewhere or from someone's wallet when I have no money, and I can't eat someone else's or a restaurant's food because I'm hungry and I don't have any food. Instead, people with money and resources get to eat every day and have nice things and houses and be happy, and everyone else just has to make do with the crap that's left over.

But when you have all the nice shit, you want to keep it aaaalll for yourself. Damn, people really suck arse.

At one of my lowest points, I saw some pizza someone dropped on the ground and for a brief second contemplated eating it. Only the fear of getting sick stopped me. I've thought about doing other unspeakable things in the name of poverty that I won't mention here, but it was bad. Real bad.
 

„
 

—yellowsnakepoet, making someone else's post all about her

Later, she chastised members of cooking for caring about wine and cheese when there are starving children in the world, and got herself LOL BANNED from customers_suck for arguing that petty theft is awesome.

Hypocrisy

LJ users with some knowledge of the site's workings, however, noted another interesting phenomenon: previously, yellowsnakepoet had been posting under the name "poetaserpamrlla," which is some bastardized compression of the Spanish for "yellowsnakepoet." Her previous posts under that name were now under "yellowsnakepoet," and links to her old username redirected to the new one. The only way to do this on LiveJournal is to buy a rename token for $15. Even better, she now had a paid account. Some argued that a friend might have given her the money, but others pointed out her repeated insistence that she had no friends who would do anything at all to keep her from being homeless -- so either her friends had some really fucked-up priorities, or Ms. Anyone Who Has Nice Things Isn't Poor had bought herself a LiveJournal account.

Hence, YSP is one of the strangest hypocrites ever recorded. Either that, or she stayed true to her heart and stole the money for the upgrades.

Latest Sightings

As merrylapdog: incessant whining is incessant

As mrsthomastallis:

External links

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