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Revision as of 08:24, 16 June 2011
Archive 1
Civil War, /b/
There's some shit going on /b/ right now. It's like a Civil War going on /b/. And there is two sides, oldfags and newfags, and newfags have go to go. Anytime oldfags want to have a good time ignorant ass newfags fucking it up. Can't do shit! Can't do SHIT, without some ignorant ass fucking it up! Can't do nothing! Can't make some original content thread open more than 100 posts. Grand opening...grand closing. Can't see cool posts on the front page... WHY? Because newfags are talking about THE BEST.
Discuss.
I Just Fucked My Sister
This is NOT copypasta. I repeat NOT copypasta.
I know coming to /b/ for advice is a top notch bad idea, but I honestly have no where else to turn because this situation directly involves my family, and friends.
Let me start from the beginning, I am 18 and my sister is 21. I just finished high school and my sister is home from college. I guess this year her grades started slipping or something, because I walked past her room and she was crying. I walked inside her room to ask her what's up and she hands me a letter - apparently she's up for review by her college for dismissal. I feel kinda sorry for her so I gave her a hug and one thing led to another and we started making out. This is really weird because I've made out with girls before, but my sister blows them all out of the water. In the back of my mind lies the fact that she's my sister and what we are doing is sick and wrong, but I guess my sister has more experience and it felt so fucking good.
Here's the dilemma - after making out, Karen started taking her clothes off and she started pulling my pants down. I'm like, hey, what are you doing? She's like, oh come on Jordan, aren't you even a LITTLE curious? I felt bad because its true, my sister is a hottie and I always wished that she wasn't my sister. I've even gone as far as to fap to thoughts of doing her. She then said "For tonight, let's not be brother and sister. I really need this because I feel like shit right now and our parents won't be back till late and we aren't going to tell anyone.
I pretty much just fucked my sister. No, to be more honest, I just lost my virginity to my sister. My question, /b/, is WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?? What do people usually do after they fuck their sisters?
Pic very related; that's Karen.
The Girl Next Door
When I was 12 I had my first sexual experience. At the time, I lived in a little suburb outside of Cleveland and anyway, the girl next door and I were really good friends. Our parents were both gone for the day and she was over playing Transformers with me. So anyway, we kinda got.. Bored I guess? And we started playing truth or dare, which turned into 'you show me yours, I'll show you mine". So anyway there I Was, 12 years old, heart pounding, blood rushing in my ears, and the chick (who was a year older than me actually) takes off her panties and hikes her little skirt up. So What did I do, you ask? I whistled for a cab, and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and there were dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought "naw forget it, yo home to bel-air!" I pulled up to the house about seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie "yo homes smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there. To settle my throne as the prince of bel-air.
Alpha Male
I'm an Alpha male /b/.
And girls want to fuck alpha males. Let it piss you off as much as you want, but you know it's completely true. That girl you like who is kinda cute in a weird way, but is totally sweet and you have the biggest crush on? The one who keeps going back to guys who treat her wrong for reasons you don't understand? The one who calls you up at 1 am to cry about how her boyfriend hasn't called her in 3 days, and no matter how long you listen to her, she'll never think of you as anything other than asexual? The one who will curl up next to you on the couch, hug you close, kiss you on the cheek, and never let you fucking touch her beyond that?
Yeah, I'm fucking her.
The hot girl who won't even look at you when you nod at them and smile? The one who laughs when you trip in the hallway and drop your stuff? The one who comes up and coyly asks for your help with her homework, and then pretends you don't exist once you finish?
Yeah, I'm fucking her too, even harder.
The geeky girl you think might be enough like you that you have a chance with her? She plays warcraft on your server, and watches anime, and reads comics? She's so incredible and you just love her so much but you still haven't worked up the courage to tell her how you feel about her?
Guess who just sucked me off and told me they'll always love me?
Angry sun
When I was about nine, I had recently gotten a Nintendo Entertainment System from a garage sale down the road, the first gaming system I ever had. One game that I bought was Super Mario Brothers 3, the final chapter of the widely-acclaimed SMB trilogy, which like in the original Super Mario Brothers consisted of Mario/Luigi chasing after Princess Toadstool (whose name has since been bastardized to 'Peach'). Back on topic though; I popped in the game in my new NES and pressed Start. I started at World 1, of course, and began playing. During this, I got used to the controls, map, and all that jazz. After all, it IS supposed to be kinda like a tutorial level. So I had advanced to World 2, "Desert Land" and I was moving along rather smoothly. In the back of my mind, I knew that at some point the levels would start to get more difficult. I soon noticed a tile, one unlike the other tiles (Toad houses, numbered tiles, etc). It appeared to be some cross-hybrid of flowing diarrhea and sand, which caught my attention. I navigated my way to the tile, and hit the A button and was warped to what appeared to be a normal level; there even was a happy sunshine in the top left corner! As I side-scrolled my way through the level, the fucking sun decided to go apeshit and sodomize me repeatedly until I finally broke down in tears, throwing my controller at the ground screaming for my mom. That fucking bastard.
And no, this is not copy pasta.
Atarii E.T.
Most gamers know the story of the hundreds of thousands of E.T. cartridges Atari crushed, encased in concrete, then buried in Alamogordo, New Mexico. What most gamers don’t know is who Atari buried along with them...
Azn Rape lol
oh my god /b/ I just witnessed something horrible.
Today I was in NYC, I take summer classes at an art school in New York, and I saw a man following an old asian woman and her little Asian grand daughter I think it was. He followed them for 4 blocks before making his move, I only saw all of this because they were all in front of me walking down E22nd street at the time I was walking down it. Anyways, the man kept getting closer and closer to them until finally he hit the woman with a crowbar and grabbed the girl. I immediately ran up to him as fast as I could and whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say that this cab was rare, but I thought "nah, forget it, yo holmes to Bel-Air!"
I pulled up to the house around 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie "yo holmes, smell ya later!" I looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to settle my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
/b/ is...
/b/ is the guy who tells the cripple ahead of him in line to hurry up.
/b/ is first to get to the window to see the car accident outside.
/b/ is the one who wrote your number on the mall's bathroom wall.
/b/ is a failing student who makes passes at his young, attractive English teacher.
/b/ is the guy loitering on Park Ave. that is always trying to sell you something.
/b/ is the one who handed his jizz-drenched clothes to Good Will.
/b/ is one who introduced you first to Goatse.
/b/ is a hot incest dream that you'll try to forget for days.
/b/ is the only one of your group of friends to be secure in his sexuality and say anything.
/b/ is the guy without ED who still likes trying Viagra.
/b/ is the best friend that tags along for your first date and cock-blocks throughout night. The decent girl you're trying to bag walks out on the date, /b/ laughs and takes you home when you're drunk, and you wake up to several hookers in your house who /b/ called for you.
/b/ is a friend that constantly asks you to try mutual masturbation with him.
/b/ is the guy who calls a suicide hotline to hit on the adviser.
/b/ is nuking the hard-drive next time someone knocks on his door.
/b/ is the one who left a used condom outside the schoolyard.
/b/ is the voice in your head that tells you that it doesn't matter if she's drunk.
/b/ is the friend who constantly talks about your mom's rack.
/b/ is the only one who understands what the hell you saying.
/b/ is someone who would pay a hooker to eat his ass, and only that.
/b/ is the uncle who has touched you several times.
/b/ is still recovering in the hospital, after trying something he saw in a hentai.
/b/ is the pleasure you feel guilty of when you tried playing with your anus during masturbation.
/b/ is wonderful.
/b/ is not...
I realize that most of you have ether forgotten what /b/ is or are simply newfags who don't know.
/b/ is not where we make posts talking about our personal lives and our problems...we're not your fucking livejournal
/b/ is not some place where we giggle at memes....we're not fucking YTMND
/b/ is not some place where we make confessions we're not fucking grouphug
/b/ is not some place where we find pictures on other websites and post them here ...we're not fucking ebaumsworld
/b/ is not some site where we go to jerk off to hentai pics....we're not fucking aerisdies
/b/ is not some place that you go to, to get someone to hack your girlfriend's e-mail account because shes cheating on you for the 15th time...we're not your fucking personal army
/b/ is not some place you go to ask for help with a personal problem, we're not your fucking psychologist
/b/ isn't some place you go to trash talk other people you'll never meet simply because its an anonymous board with "no rules" and you can get away with it with out any repercussion...we're not a fucking group of internet tough guys
/b/ is not NICE
so /b/....what IS /b/...i want to see how long it takes for someone to get it.
Beating up a girl
when I was 13, I tied up this girl that was 12 with a jumprope, then beat the fuck out of her.
By the time I was done, her lip was split, her wrists were bleeding from the rope cuttin into them, one of her eyes was swollen shut, she was missing two teeth, her small tits will entirely black and blue, her pussy was bleeding, and I’m fairly sure that several bones in her feet were broken.
When I let her down, she crumpled on the floor and went into a fetal position and just hugged her legs to her chest and sobbed quietly.
I suddenly got very aroused seeing that, so I pulled out my dick (I has actually hit puberty 12, and was hairy, balls dropped and everything functioning) and started jerking off quietly. Eventually, I started to breathe harder, and she noticed what I was doing, and she just looked at me with this look of absolute horror on her face.
It was at that moment that I climaxed and sprayed probably my biggest load of cum ever all over face and chest.
Then, I picked up her torn shirt from the ground, wiped off my dick and tossed it to her.
I told her to clean herself up and that if she ever told anyone, I would go to her house and kill her while she slept, and that if anyone asked who hurt her, she should say a bunch of high school kids did it.
When I think back on it, I think she was the first girl I ever loved.
...god I’m fucked up.
Bento Box
I'm looking for a bento box, it cant be pinku (that's Japanese for pink) or any girl color. It has to be of 2 or more kotoba (that's Japanese for 2 compartments) and has be be chibi (small) sized. And has to be really kawaii (cute). Also It has to be about 10-20 bux. And you have to post pics of it first (i want to make shure it's kawaii [cute]). And it would be nice if it came with matching chopstick holder (WITH chopsticks). OH! and it CANNOT have any cartoon pictures, or be made out of plastic. It has to be made of ceramic, or something like that. Also it would be nice if it was made in japan. and not in china or corea (Korea) or whatever. I have found a bento box similar to the one im describing in e-bay, but it was 1 kotoba, and i don't want my gohan (rice) to touch my other things (it can get wet and i would not like that, plus 2 compartments looks more kawaii)
/b/ Rap
we got computer's 'putin' rss feeds are beatin we're on your aggregators we're rollin' past the hataz you tryna bait the master? you just a masterbater. go'head ask your neighbors, we has a flavor chicken dinner to feed a culture that's gettin' thinner no longer a soloist now we rollin' with the winners do not slumbah, check alexa we got numbahs put on your boxers it's gonna be a hot summer
Cooking with Semen
— ABC News |
Has anybody ever tried cooking with their own semen?
About a month ago I got adventurous and decided to fap into the frying pan, using my semen in place of little extra butter I usually put in the pan when I'm grilling grill'd cheese.
I didn't notice much difference in flavor when I tried it, although it definitely didn't taste any worse.
Last night, however, while in the process leading up to grilling two sandwiches for lunch for myself and my sick mother, I noticed my neighbor's 13 year old daughter changing in the yard next door (our window sort of faces out into the neighbor's yard, the suburban layout of our community is somewhat strange), presumably after getting out of the pool. I got the urge to fap and decided to incorporate it into my cooking again in secret.
My mother did seem to notice a difference in flavor for the better - I nonchalantly told her I used a different butter, which in it's essence wasn't entirely a lie, I just didn't specify it was my nut butter. I'm not about to outright lie to my mother.
I consider myself a respectable man of principles, you know.
MOTHERFUCKING SHIT
THIS ALL HAPPENED IN THE SPACE OF MAYBE 6 SECONDS. IT MAY SEEM BAD BUT IT GETS WORSE. JUST AS I'M STANDING THERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, MY BEDROOM DOOR FUCKING OPENS. MY DAD WAS STANDING THERE WITH MY ACCEPTANCE LETTER TO JOHNS HOPKINS. I FROZE AND HE STARED AT ME, NAKED WITH MY BLOODY ERECTION FOR MAYBE 15 SECONDS BEFORE HE NOTICED MY COMPUTER MONITOR AND THE BRUTAL ANAL SEX SCENE GOING ON FULL-SCREEN. HE IMMEDIATELY CLOSED THE DOOR AND LEFT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING. THIS MAY SEEM EMBARRASSING BUT MY DAD IS A SERIOUSLY CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN. THIS HAPPENED ABOUT 15 MINUTES AGO AND HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING TO ME YET. I'M STILL IN MY ROOM TRYING TO GET THE GOD DAMN FUCKING OLD SPICE OUT OF MY COCK. WHAT SHOULD I DO /b/?
Copypasta chefs
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The National Association of Copypasta Chefs (NACC) is dedicated to protecting artists and crafters - their work, creativity and intellectual properties and marketing rights. I believe to keep the true work of the artist and copypasta chef alive we must act to promote and protect our art and craft.
Deer Island / Skull and Bones childsex
- Bullshit you say? It's moar likely than you think . . .
- Pixplskthnks
- ok, the society exists, now lets look for "Deer Island"
- OH FUUUUUUUUUU--
Deer Island.
Private getaway to the Skull & Bones Society.
What do they do there?
They raise children for sex and sex alone.
When members of Yale's most secret of secret societies go there as a "getaway," they do not bring their girlfriends. They instead bring small keys [with skull-and-crossbone designs on them, how original] made of various metals [typically gold, sometimes platinum; mixed with stronger substances for strength, of course] taken from the teeth of dead enemies. Mostly fillings, though.
What do these keys unlock?
Locks to the various underground chambers scattered about the island. There are fifteen tombs of this type [one for each member of this year's chosen bonesmen].
The girls are allowed to grow no older than fourteen years old.
They are abused, raped, and taught to like it from birth. They have no nationality, no recognizable country of origin. Typically they're the offspring of gullible [but clean] whores that are brought to Deer Island by clever bonesmen. The whores are killed after the childbirth [and detained on the island during the nine months leading up to it].
At thirteen, the girls are allowed to bear children. Before this age, abortions are routine, one of the island's few year-round residents is an abortionist. He is well paid, and is one of the only non-bonesmen ever allowed to take place in the childsex.
Once the thirteen/fourteen year old girls have given birth, they are taken into what are near-exact replicas of the gas chambers at Auschwitz camp I [only crafted from ornate stonework; there are etchings on the walls of various Skull-and-Bones images, the number 322, etc.]. They're told that this will be the site of a celebration of their new child's birth. A futon in the middle of the room is where the child is fucked for the final time, before being choked until unconscious, and gassed [once the bonesman has left the chamber safely, of course].
For having made mention of ANY of this, I could be killed.
(second post begins here )
The girls are given trust tests at age eight, before fellatio can become part of their sexual repertoire.
The bonesman will lay his potential cocksucker down on a cold concrete floor in the middle of a well-lit auditorium underground, and force her to lay spread-eagle. He then inserts a straight razor into her vagina, vertically, slowly, being careful so as to minimize any potential damage. One flinch from the girl, and the blade is pulled up through the uterus, and the girl is then disposed of [the bonesmen often HOPE for a twitch from the girl, so they can mutilate her with the razor just for fun]. If the child remains calm, the razor is removed, and she is "rewarded" with the privilege of getting to suck the cock of one of the most powerful men in the world.
Semen must be swallowed, if fellatio is performed. If the child can't get the bonesman off, he will grab her head, and give a warning thrust, jamming his penis into the back of her throat. She is given a couples seconds to recover, and the quality of her blowjob must either improve, or she will get another thrust, harder this time. If a third thrust is necessary, the bonesman does not let go of her head at all, but rams it into his pelvis, until he ejaculates. The girl is often unable to breathe by the end of this, and so, the razor comes out, and the girl is finished off. This very rarely happens though, the girls are taught the proper respect by the time they reach the age of eight.
That's all I can share safely tonight; I'll try to post more soon. I need to make it look like I'm here doing research.
-"322 minus one"
Early Communists
The very first Communists were early Slavic tribes who owned so little they had to share everything. They were renowned warriors, whose battle tactics consisted of getting as drunk as mortally possible, then drink twice as much more and charge at the enemy wielding a hammer in one hand and a sickle in the other. Even in these early times they were called the Red Army for their red faces (esp. noses). A Communist Warrior was terrible to behold in battle, bashing, slicing, and breathing alcoholic fumes at his enemies. Mortally wounded, he would merely fall asleep at the field of battle, only to wake up the next morning with regenerated limbs, healed wounds and a severe headache.
Picture is of Carl Marx.
First gay experience
Well my first gay experience happened like this:
I was about 50 yards or so up this path when I noticed a man standing off the side of the path apparently staring into the woods. As I got closer I realized his pants were down around his ankles and I could see his ass. Now, I'm straight but I have to say that it was a really nicely shaped ass for a man and I took notice. I figured maybe he was drunk and just peeing in the bushes, so I started to walk quieter so I wouldn't disturb him. But as I got closer I started hearing strange grunts and sucking sounds. I realized there was another man blowing him.
Now, I'm not gay but I slowed my pace down to watch. I slowed and approached the standing man from behind. His friend didn't take any notice as his eyes were tightly closed. I came right up behind the man standing so that I could have reached out and touched him. That's when I brought the cinder block down on his head, hard. He collapsed on top of his faggot friend and I quickly finished them both off. I rolled them into the bushes and finished my walk. That was only my first of many such gay encounters.
Fried Pig Pussy
Mmmmmm... Fried pig pussy! Once you eat one of these pig pussy pork rinds, you'll never eat another.. human pussy again. But FUCK human pussy! I fuck dead pigs. You'll read all about it in heartburn how I fuck them dead pigs before I turn em into pork rinds!
I couldn't get no twat from serenity back then. She only wanted dildos in her pussy twat. Big phony bologna dicks. But now she wants this real cock. Come here serenity lets show these assholes how we fuck. Lets show these assholes how we fuck. My sweet sweet serenity.
Fuck an umbilical cord out of your phony asshole, and I'll hang a pig with it, while I impregnate you with my 80 year old pork rind dick. You'll give birth to a dead pig and we'll cut him into pork rinds.
I'll eat pork rinds with god. In a land that speaks only with its eyes. No language, no dildos, no fucking laws! Where the whores can't sell their pussy. Or use their twats to gold dig. A land where us warriors run free with our big dicks out, and our fucking hair wild.
Eat pork rinds, eat dead pigs. Eat pork rinds, eat dead pigs. Eat pork rinds, eat dead pigs. Salt their dead skin and put em in plastic bags. Fuck you, you fucking, farting robots. Suck my dead pig. Suck my dead pig!
Furry Texan
I've been a Furry for 10 years now and want to stop. The problem is that the group of furs that I hang out with don't like me now and if I took my fursuit off, they would probably beat me up and kill me. My last boyfriend (a cute b/w wolf) gave me herpes on my ass and now I have a hard time taking a shit. Sometimes I have to take an Ex-lax so my shit will come out easy.
I've never had sex with a girl, because I don't know how to pick them up. That's why I turned Furry. But now I'm just tired of guys ripping my ass when they don't use lubrication. I've had to get stitches three times. I went out with a fox last night who said he only gives, he doesn't receive, so I had to suck his dick and he made me swallow or he would kick my ass.
- Tony, Age 20, Austin, Texas
Gay In A Locker Room
I'm a gay man and I have nothing but fond memories of my time spent in the girls' locker room. As an effeminately homosexual adolescent, I felt very uncomfortable and out of place in the loud, nasty, testosterone-fueled environment of the boys' locker room, so our dyke gym teacher let me use the girls' locker room instead. All my friends were girls and they loved me, I was kind of their cuddly little gay mascot. But there's always one bitch who'll kick up a fuss, and it's usually the ugliest one in the room. This hatchet-faced shrew called Arlene took issue with my presence, she was all "Oh I don't feel comfortable with him looking at my naked body", and I was just like "Girl, I wouldn't look at your tired ass if it paid me to". She got over herself eventually. Sometimes I would sashay into the boys' locker room and pretend I'd forgotten my schoolbag, then I'd run back to the girls' locker room and tell them about all the small sad willies I'd seen. I also had great fun towel-whipping those bitches until their fat asses were red raw! Lolz.
GOD
God is just some guy who bought Sim City and was bored. Some guy sitting at a giant computer is controlling you right now. When you have several decisions going through your head and you don't know which one to pick, God does. "Flirt? Tickle? Entertain?" He decides. You have no say in The Sims. You're just some computer graphic.
That is God.
NOT EVEN THE FUCKING CHILDREN
Today was a day that will forever be the climax of my life, at this point, nothing could get any better. That little cunt is going to get it, him and his fucking family. They are all going to die. ALL OF THEM, ESPECIALLY THE FUCKING CHILDREN.
You see, it started one day, and I was at the fresh young age of 12, the first day I ever saw him. He looked friendly at first, but little did I know that that exact day I had met the devil himself, just in a childish form. He asked for my name, and I said my name, which is Caleb. And almost as soon as he heard my name, he yelled out (let me tell you that this was inside of a school) "Hey, everybody! It's Caleb the Cunt-Sucker!" Everyone laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Even the teachers were laughing. It was degrading, it was down right.....damning. It continued thought the rest of my years in school, and I even went as far as almost committing suicide.
After I got out of school, I got a job at a local garage. It wasn't the cleanest, or well-paying of jobs, but it got me threw. I had to stay at home, I hardly had any money, let alone have money to pay for a house. One day, I was driving back home, and I saw him. And not only did he have a perfect house and a perfect car, he had a family. A picture-perfect family. I snapped that day, and when I got home, I started planning his downfall.
Now, today was the day, the day that I would for fill my dream of killing all of them. I will be back later to tell you the result. And I will finally tell the brutal death of those fucking maggots.
I just spent the last twenty minutes rubbing a twelve year old girl's bare chest
I just spent the last twenty minutes rubbing a twelve year old girl's bare chest.
"How?" you ask. Well apparently there are a select few contexts within which such an action is acceptable. For instance, if your niece has a hacking cough and your sister asks you to "put some of this on her" while she calls the doctor.
"Putting some of this on hear" meant using my bare hands to rub this vapor ointment shit all over her BARE NAKED CHEST. My heartbeat is still all erratic from it. I had a boner the size of Manhattan the entire time. She's sleeping now and I guess she feels better because she stopped coughing.
Details: She's about 5 feet tall, has long brown hair, a cute face, a thin waist and long skinny legs. She's in jammies I think because although I'm pretty shaken up right now I know I unbuttoned something before I went at it.
God I feel so great. I just rubbed my hands all over her FUCKING TITS, you guys. Well the puffy parts of her chest anyway. Her nipples got hard. I just about wept tears of joy.
I didn't do anything else because I'm a coward and rubbing was enough. Plus it was legal and I didn't technically do anything wrong, so I'm in the clear.
I'd write more but I seriously have to go fap while the memory is fresh in my head.
Jar Jar Binks
I like to wear a elaborate Jar Jar Binks costume and mask as part of my every day life. I went to the grocery store, and saw how depressed everyone was so I thought I would help. I started dancing in the aisles, and yelling at people, and running up to people and taking things out of their cart. It was great fun. Then when I went to check out, there was only one lane open and a long line. I screamed and screamed while in line and danced, bumping into other people. I opened a box of baking soda and threw it around. Finally I got to the checkout. I started making noises at the cashier, and I kept pressing buttons on the computer. Some people in line were groaning because the line was getting very long, but that gave me even more incentive to make them laugh. I climbed onto the table and started kicking peoples groceries on the floor and singing. The manager and one of his goons pulled me off and said I could never shop there again. Can I sue for harassment or possibly assault?
Boner Exposed
h boy /b/ I sure did it this time
I am in so much shit here it's not even funny. Every once in a while I babysit my niece and cousin for some extra money, said niece is 7 and the cousin is 5. I was sitting there and I found one of my uncles Penthouse magazines and started flipping trough the pages, secretly so the kids wouldn't see it. I was sitting comfortably when suddenly I flip open a page to THE HOTTEST GIRL I EVER SEEN. So I am sitting there checking her out when suddenly
my niece spills apple juice all over my pants. I almost shout out god dammit but I managed to hold that shit in when my niece says as I am standing up: "You can put your trousers in the washing machine I know how it works!" So I unbutton my pants and take them off, forgetting that recently I lost a lot of weight (22 pounds) and thus my underwear falls down on the floor. Exposing the boner the Penthouse pet just gave me. And just as my niece points at my my shlong saying: "Why is it all hard like that?" My uncle and aunt walk in the room because they forgot their wallet.
To make a long story short I was kicked out of the house, my uncle slapping me on the head (hard) shouting I'm a pervert, which I am not, and my aunt shouting they'd call the police on me and I was never to come to their house again.
What the fuck do I do now?!
Meeting a Truck
I remember it was the summer '06. Some friends and I had been on the road for a couple of weeks. Just travelling around, little bit of a road trip. Stopping off where we felt. Going to lots of pubs, clubs, parties, etc. Anyway one night we set out from our motel room to go to a nearby bar. We get there and it's fairly quiet. We had a few drinks but decided it was kinda boring and we were going to find some place else to drink for the night. Then just as we're leaving, she caught my eye. Across the room was the most beautiful truck I've ever seen. 87 model, was wearing a 200 gallon mixer tank, you know the kind. She had tyres that went on for days. A part of me was ready to leave already. But a part of me knew that if I didn't at least talk to her I'd regret it. I downed the last of my drink to get a little Dutch courage, then I made my move. I walked up to her and said, "Hi." Girls like this usually don't give me the time of day. But something was different this time. I don't know what it it was, if she was in a different mood cos she was on holidays, too, or if I was just in the zone that night or what. But much to my surprise she was totally into me. Every smile was met with a flash of her headlights, every joke was met with a honk of her horn. She was into me, it was time to close it. "Would you like to join me at my room?" I really had gone too far ths time. But instead I hear, "Sure, let's go." I couldn't believe it. It was on. The sexiest truck I've ever seen and she wants to have sex with me! Unbelievable! We get back to my room, make out for a while then made passionate love. The next day she headed off back home to work in a strip mine. She gave me her email address and we still keep in contact from time to time. But that was the best night of my life and I'll never forget her.