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Doctor Phil: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 15:01, 31 October 2011
Philip Calvin McGraw, Ph.D., born 9001 years ago is a fat, cunt slapping, redneck wannabe psychologist with his own TV show. To date he has screamed at a record 1,000 people. Dr. Phil is balding thus making him an exact replica of a penis. (Moar liek Phallus Calvo McGraw, amirite?)
Apparently he ass raped some horse face named Dr. Fran Young in a Motel 6 room in the mid 90's.
As many ppl on the internets have speculated, Dr. Phil (moar liek Dr. Phail, amirite?) is most clearly the full bodied reincarnation of Raptor Jesus, whose will to dominate and control the ppl of earth shines through in his television series "The Moist Fangs of Dr. Phil's Balls."
Biography
Dr. Phil gnawed his way through the placenta, intestines, and eventually skin of his mother's abdomen on May 23, 1834 BCE. He then crawled up to her breasts and sucked each tit dry. Once satisfied with his first meal he aimed his enlarged clitoris at his now deceased mother's chin and relieved himself all over her face. He was a go getter from the start.
His childhood was like any other child's. He loved to frolic in the woods, having surprise buttsecks with woodland creatures. His teenage years were full of lulz and lolis. He dreamed of sugar canes and gum drops, strawberry flavored lube and traps. He often would gaze up at the stars wondering what the future had in store for him. Never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined what was to come.
On a humid summer night deep in the heart of the south, Dr. Phil, now an adult, waddled down to his local pub to cool his hairy top lip on a cold beer. Instead, in the men's bathroom with a steamy ammonia filed stream of piss exiting him, he felt something hot and moist press against his leg. A startled Dr. Phil looked down and saw a horny Oprah Winfrey with her legs wrapped around his. They had an instant connection and the rest is history.
The Evil Plan of Dr. Phil:
1. Lick the cottage cheese out of Oprah's pussy flaps
2. Start tv show
3. Hypnotize middle aged white women
4. Get middle-aged women to kill all other women.
5. Cause mass male suicide because all the chicks who watch Dr. Phil are fat ugly fucks anyways.
6. Be the only Penis in the western hemisphere. (Despite being a small, pitiful one...)
7. ????
8. PROFIT!!!! (somehow?)
The Show
Initially Dr.Phil was Oprah's therapist and appeared on her show regularly. He struck a chord with the lonely desperate soccer moms who watched Oprah and was soon given his own show.
Initially, Dr.Phil's show dealt with down-to-earth issues which could be resolved peacefully by simply chatting with your partner/spouse/children without drama and stupidity. It was the sort of show your mom would watch at 2pm while you were in school, masturbating vigorously.
After 2 years of helping average Joes deal with their problems and at least 500 episodes, Dr.Phil's audience began to trickle out. So, he did what any self-respecting TV personality would do: sold out.
Having abandoned all reason and sanity, Dr. Phil proceeded to knock his shows down to Maury Povich level; his current guests are racist raptors, pedophile raptors and other white trash idiot disguising raptors.
Dr. Fran's first guest appearance on Dr. Phil touched a record 28 viewers out of 100 households as she revealed the suffering she faced early into her marriage when her now deaf, and presummably dumb, husband Kenny cheated on her. Through the strength of faith, Fran was able to heal from this injustice done to her. This process was also aided by her husband being stricken blind soon after, which left him unable to continue committing adultery. Fortunately this allowed Dr. Fran to have a torrid affair with Dr. Phil.
Kids Slaps and pwns his mom on the Dr. Phil Show
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Skinny Chicks Dig Dr. Phil
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Dr. Phil's Private Life
To the disappointment of many dry and crusty twats, Dr. Phil is a married man. He married a woman, named Robin. Robin looks like a bloated trout with pussy flaps sewn to its mouth. Many experts believe that his marriage to Robin is bestiality and he should seek counseling immediately.
During the course of their marriage Robin gave Birth to two hybrid sons whose resemblance to giant douche bags is uncanny.
Phil-isms
- This ain't my first ass rimming, son!
- What in the hell is you thinking?
- I've been doing this over 9000 years.
- Are those your nuts?
- You choose the hooker, you choose the hole.
- This is going to be a changing day in your life.
- You cannot change what you don't beat.
- Are you kidding me?
- I want you to get excited about your addiction to CP.
- Children are very attractive.
- Get real close to me then stick your finger in my ass, then wipe it under my nose.
- What did I doo doo!?
- If it's happening now, we're gonna deal with it when I feel like it!
- Get a life.
- We're gonna start putting some whores in our sentences.
- There isn't a wig big enough for my penis head.
- This relationship needs a slutty submissive man whore.
- How about a nice tall glass of shut the hell up?
- Respect my man juice.
- I am your mother, deal with it!
- It's all about the O.
- I'd rather be happy alone than unhappy with someone fat.
Dr. Phil Soundboard, making the world a lulzier place, one call at a time
Dr.Phil calls a Scientologist
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See Also
External Links
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Doctor Phil is part of a series on Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage. |