Johni Michelle Heuser: Difference between revisions
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Latest revision as of 20:39, 31 October 2011
Johnny Jonny Johanie Johni Michelle Heuser, aka Chellbell is a basement dweller who IRL-permabanned her own infant offspring (christened Harmony Jade Creech, despite being neither harmonious nor azn), and stuffed it into a box of its own diapers in her attic. Apparently she evaded the suspicion of family and neighbors by being "good at deceiving everyone who would ask about Harmony and where she was." In other words, she spent at least 100 hours a day playing Final Fantasy XI and nobody even remembered she lived there, much less that she'd managed to capture a male and spawn. Four times.
Yes, she also has three other children, because she is a whore who has trouble with the concept of birth control. She also has trouble with the concept of cleaning, because it took the police five days to find the kids in the garbage heap of her home. One of them had been surviving on bits of saran wrap and rat feces for months. None of the children spoke english, but only cowered and hissed when approached.
A skeleton in the attic
After a year and a half away, the baby daddy Ronald Creech got back from hunting Arab in Iraq. Chellbell told him the baby was stolen by Gay Niggers from Outerspace. He was gullible enough to believe her, as evidenced by his willingness to copulate with her, and he called the cops. As a result, an Amber Alert was pinged across every television in the state, causing the elderly to mistake it for a tornado warning and head for their bathtubs. Fortunately, many of them drowned - thus easing the burden on social security, welfare, and the aisles at Wal-Mart, and making Ronald Creech an True American Hero.
Teh Law steps in
Sheriff Rollins showed up to investigate and the stench of decay coming from the attic led him to the body. He kicked Chellbell's ass before hauling her into jail and making her listen to his entire extended rant on the evils of humans and global warming on the way there. The police charged her with Murder One and threw her to the nigras every women's prison in North Carolina keeps just for special raepings.
Death by internets
An autopsy is being performed to determine how Harmony was killed, but initial findings indicate that Chellbell was most likely experimenting with black magick she learned playing FFXI. Or possibly that she summoned hordes of flesh-eating moogles which stripped the flesh from her offspring's bones to facilitate their transition into the real world. Either way, she apparently forgot to stock up on Phoenix Down. Oops.
On the bright side, it's significantly more difficult to make retard babies when you're in jail for murder.
External links
Her mom is calling the cops for her while she cries in the background.