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English Scum: Difference between revisions
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==Felixstowe== | ==Felixstowe== | ||
[[Image:Felixstowe.jpg|thumb|left]] | |||
Felixstowe is a small to medium to large to small again sized town situated on the south Suffolk coast, England. Felixstowe does not so much have distinguishable individuals, as much as a constant, never ceasing blur of bland and lifeless inhabitants. Once, in the Summer of 1962, someone saw a cat. The town boasts three main educational establishments: Two High Schools (Orwell and Deben, so named after the two steaming rivers of piss that surround the town), and a third, more popular institution: The Arcades. It is here that Felixstowe's Chavish offspring learn the many skills and abilities that will see them through their impending first stay at Her Majesty's Pleasure. However, it is Orwell High School that still continues to defy all attempts to maintain an efficient schooling system in Felixstowe. This is not to say the institution is without its own achievements. | Felixstowe is a small to medium to large to small again sized town situated on the south Suffolk coast, England. Felixstowe does not so much have distinguishable individuals, as much as a constant, never ceasing blur of bland and lifeless inhabitants. Once, in the Summer of 1962, someone saw a cat. The town boasts three main educational establishments: Two High Schools (Orwell and Deben, so named after the two steaming rivers of piss that surround the town), and a third, more popular institution: The Arcades. It is here that Felixstowe's Chavish offspring learn the many skills and abilities that will see them through their impending first stay at Her Majesty's Pleasure. However, it is Orwell High School that still continues to defy all attempts to maintain an efficient schooling system in Felixstowe. This is not to say the institution is without its own achievements. | ||
Arguably, one of the greatest students to have ever graduated from this fabled establishment is Mark Lankester, who excelled at chemistry. He is now, of course, a world famous Brain surgeon who in his spare time reads to the deaf, and fosters children from deprived areas such as west Yorkshire (specifically the white rose area). He is also married to world renowned martial arts expert Matthew Parker. Mark was particularly noted for his star crossed partnership with Mr D. J. Travers, who sadly perished in the infamous 'Room G6 Incident". He is now commemorated by a 15ft bronze statue on the Netball courts, which the caretaker was quoted to have said is "A fitting tribute to a truly Heroic Chemist". Science has since been banned throughout Suffolk. | Arguably, one of the greatest students to have ever graduated from this fabled establishment is Mark Lankester, who excelled at chemistry. He is now, of course, a world famous Brain surgeon who in his spare time reads to the deaf, and fosters children from deprived areas such as west Yorkshire (specifically the white rose area). He is also married to world renowned martial arts expert Matthew Parker. Mark was particularly noted for his star crossed partnership with Mr D. J. Travers, who sadly perished in the infamous 'Room G6 Incident". He is now commemorated by a 15ft bronze statue on the Netball courts, which the caretaker was quoted to have said is "A fitting tribute to a truly Heroic Chemist". Science has since been banned throughout Suffolk. | ||
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[[Image:FatBritishWigger.jpg|thumb|right]] | [[Image:FatBritishWigger.jpg|thumb|right]] | ||
[[Image:TeaNuke 228x146.jpg|thumb|200px|Nuclear war? It's OK, the English only care about their [[China|tea]].]] | [[Image:TeaNuke 228x146.jpg|thumb|200px|Nuclear war? It's OK, the English only care about their [[China|tea]].]] | ||
==Manchester== | ==Manchester== | ||
Of all the cities of England, Manchester ranks highest in terms of [[unwarranted self-importance]]. | Of all the cities of England, Manchester ranks highest in terms of [[unwarranted self-importance]]. | ||
Revision as of 00:29, 26 May 2012
Not to be confused with Scots, Irishmen or the Welsh -or 'Brits' for that matter- The English (or Englishmen) live in a part of Great Britain called England. A veritable cornucopia of inbred animals, the English are a diverse people made of poverty, filth and scum. Alcohol is the glue that binds English society, and makes associating with their cold and arrogant countrymen bearable. In England, the north is filled with people who work in caves for a living. The south is full of arrogant faggots desperate to be American but too proud of their ostensibly sexy accents to actually move. In many ways this divide mimics that in the United States.
London
It speaks volumes about the remainder of the UK that out of a population of approximately 60 million, 10 million live in one city.
There are three types of people living in England's capital; Londoners, Cockneys and Niggers. Actually, you could break the nigger group down into Pakis, chinks and white niggers, but you wouldn't get on a bus with any of them, so why bother? The half of London with a job always fears that the junglebunnies will eventually swell their dole-sucking numbers to saturation point, but since most of them are too busy stabbing each other and engaging in typical Nigra pastimes, there's no time left to get the hos pregnant.
London was famously pwnt back in 1666 by some retard of a baker setting his house on fire. The Lord Mayor was summoned away from important administrative business to examine the blaze. Seeing the potential for lulz, he remarked "A woman might piss it out" and went back to his faggotry. This was the first time that the population of London realized that building houses out of dry wood and straw almost on top of each other might not be the wisest of ideas, but they didn't figure this out until 75% of the city had been destroyed.
Geordies
A misshapen race of orc-like people, specially bred to keep the Scots from scaling Hadrian's wall and invading England, the Geordies are under the mistaken belief that Newcastle is the finest city in the world, just because they happened to be born there.
Considered by some the Britfag equivalent of the guido, in its natural habitat, the Geordie can be found staggering around the streets blind drunk at 11 am, picking fights with random people and shrieking unintelligible bullshit at one another. Whilst such behavior would be acceptable among the Scots, being (nominally) English, the Geordie has no excuse. Like the Glaswegian, you don't have to provoke the Geordie to be threatened with violence. They are also the only city in England that gives two shits about their failing football club. Newcastle is apparently the only city south of the Scottish border that the Scots will even acknowledge.
The Geordies really care about the heritage of the local football (soccer) club and many really don't like the current owner, Mike Ashley. Find out what they think about him and disagree with them if you fancy a spot of IRL trolling.
A typical example of a Geordie is Raoul Moat, who achieved the main aim of most Geordies in becoming An Hero.
Felixstowe
Felixstowe is a small to medium to large to small again sized town situated on the south Suffolk coast, England. Felixstowe does not so much have distinguishable individuals, as much as a constant, never ceasing blur of bland and lifeless inhabitants. Once, in the Summer of 1962, someone saw a cat. The town boasts three main educational establishments: Two High Schools (Orwell and Deben, so named after the two steaming rivers of piss that surround the town), and a third, more popular institution: The Arcades. It is here that Felixstowe's Chavish offspring learn the many skills and abilities that will see them through their impending first stay at Her Majesty's Pleasure. However, it is Orwell High School that still continues to defy all attempts to maintain an efficient schooling system in Felixstowe. This is not to say the institution is without its own achievements.
Arguably, one of the greatest students to have ever graduated from this fabled establishment is Mark Lankester, who excelled at chemistry. He is now, of course, a world famous Brain surgeon who in his spare time reads to the deaf, and fosters children from deprived areas such as west Yorkshire (specifically the white rose area). He is also married to world renowned martial arts expert Matthew Parker. Mark was particularly noted for his star crossed partnership with Mr D. J. Travers, who sadly perished in the infamous 'Room G6 Incident". He is now commemorated by a 15ft bronze statue on the Netball courts, which the caretaker was quoted to have said is "A fitting tribute to a truly Heroic Chemist". Science has since been banned throughout Suffolk.
Another student who you may have read about in the tabloids is Alex Wold: Who was controversially voted 111th person you most love to hate in a recent channel 4 poll, mainly due to his love rat antics and general sexual excess (hence the gout). Despite various certificates being issued, and occasional claims of pupils receiving an education at Orwell High school...As of yet, no proof is to be found.
Manchester
Of all the cities of England, Manchester ranks highest in terms of unwarranted self-importance. Home to the Manchester United kickball team, which is worshipped by all 13 year old boys. 95% of Manchester United's fans weren't born in Manchester, and over half of those have never even been to Manchester. No-one actually wants to live in Manchester owing to the fact that it was recently voted the 17th worst place to live in the UK (pipped to the post by, suprise fucking suprise: Middlesborough). All true Mancuntians support Manchester City (they can't afford United tickets), and Manchester United's closest fan lives in Guatemala. Every city in the North West of England hates Manchester, and believes it has a personal rivalry with it, when in fact, Mancs have absolutely no idea that everyone else hates them, being too busy robbing cars and overgelling their hair.
The Mancunian can be easily distinguised by his ape-like gait, nasal drawling accent and acting as if he owns the fucking world.
Leicester: Sump of Shite
Leicester is what the government calls "a multicultural hotspot and an educational action zone". This means that it is full of illiterate chavs, teenage mums, pakis, kurds, gooks, niggers, arabs and a handful of nice people. Even though the council is pouring £££ into redeveloping the city centre, they are woefully neglectful of teh suburbs, and consequentially the city's 350,000 people are ghettoised. The poor white people live in Braunstone, Mowmacre Hill and Noo Paaks (New Parks), where you will get knifed. The poor white people who will shoot you live in Beaumont Leys. The rich corrupt Pakis live in Evington. The Immigrants (Kurds, Albanians, Gooks, arabs and niggers) live in the St. Matts estate and Spinney Hill. The richer white people live in harmony with Pakis in Stoneygate, Westcotes and Knighton. The richest, most honest people don't live in Leicester at all.
Liverpool/Scousers
Home to possibly the second most annoying accent found in the UK, the first being that of Cockneys. The European Capital of Culture 2008 (WTF?), "Liverpool is diverse, energetic and exciting", but apart from some boats, throwing stones at seagulls, feeling people's muscles and shooting children there's nothing much to do there. Every Scouser is aligned to supporting one of the two local football teams. One is full of players who are niggers. The other is full of players who resemble women and a captain whose girlfriends gender is uncertain.
- Every Scouser over 60 claims to have known the Beatles personally.
- Every female Scouser over 60 was asked out by Paul McCartney, but said no.
- All Scousers know every other Scouser.
It is also known that they are all thieves, even pick-pocketing their own in a (soccer) football stadium "disaster" when the world was relieved of the burden of 96 of them. They are wound up by "not enough", 96, "you scouse bastards" (or YSB 96 not enough) (for IRL trolling). This is in spite of the fact that other Liverpool fans caused the crush, they tried to blame the Police. Fact - the Hillsborough disaster was the Liverpool fans' fault. They are addicted to grief, but only because they actually get off by grieving.
St. Helens/Wools
Though the term wools can also be applied to multiple towns around merseyside which nobody gives a fuck about, it mainly refers to the stupid wankers who populate of St Helens. "Wool" comes from "Woolyback", which any wool will tell you originates from some shite about bridges, but we all know comes from fucking sheep. In St Helens, there is one pub, four houses and a rugby team. The team is extremely successful. But it's Rugby Union, so noone really gives a fuck.
Birmingham/Brummies
Birmingham was a massive industrial center in the past, and as a result, the whole city (and the sky above it) remains a dank shade of grey ALL THE TIME. It is this dreary industrial heritage that inspired 4 young men from Aston (Black Sabbath) to create metal, along with friends like Robert Plant.
It is also home to "Brum" a weird yellow car that had it's own television series around 100 years ago. It drove round and pissed everyone off. In a recent nationwide poll, the Brummie accent was voted "least trustworthy" of UK accents. It was also voted "least intelligent”,“least friendly” and “most dishonest".
Coventry
The ancient Coventry city is located just south east of Birmingham, right next to Birmingham's "arsehole" (if you imagine Birmingham is bending over, facing left, and you are viewing her in profile). Coventry just "appeared" on the map in 1043, after a drunken Benedictine monk mistook a cartographers note book for a "scroll" of medieval toilet paper. This is why Coventry is shaped like a smear of shit. Nobody has any explanation as to why it still smells this way, almost 1000 years later. The monk was also married to the legendary Lady Godiva, who is famous locally for bareback horseriding; Englands first recorded beastiality slut.
Coventry has always been hated by the rest of the country, so much so, the phrase "sent to Coventry" has evolved into the national phrase for losing. Coventry was a major target for Nazi espionage. Apparently the Nazi spies were so appalled at Coventry's nightlife and local women, that they decided to implement a final solution ON THE SPOT, radioing home and asking the Luftwaffe to sort things out.
Yorkshiremen/Up-Northerners
People from Yorkshire are the second most stereotyped people in England, ask someone to imagine an English person and they'll either imagine someone from Somerset or Yorkshire. They open their vowels more than anyone else so that many sentences begun in the late afternoon have to be finished the next day. They live on Tetley's beer and Yorkshire puddings. The best thing they invented is rat-catching competitions for their precious Yorkshire Terriers.
Sunderland/Mackem
Home to the greatest number of failbook users in the UK and with over 9000 Greggs pie and pasty shops, one of which is 24x7, Sunderland is without doubt the jewel in the bucket of shite that is England. Everyone and everything from there is made of 100% pure fail.
Famously apathetic and unemployable, the chavvy detritus shamble and shuffle around the laughably poor shopping centre in some kind of a grotesque re-enactment of Dawn of the Dead, searching for export strength lager, cheap tracksuits, human brains, shiny gold looking chains and methadone.
IRL trolling tip: just say how good Newcastle is, failing that refer to them as "Sad Mackem Bastards".
Goole/Goolies
A very poor man's Sunderland, Goole is located in "East Riding of Yorkshire", and it's residents are referred to (by themselves, with no trace of irony), as "Goolies". Geographically, Goole is located near England's North-East coast, within Britain's "armpit".
According to TOW, "Goole achieved notoriety in 2000 for having the highest proportion of drug-related deaths in Britain - 13 times the national average. Although only 2 per cent of the population of the county lives there, the town is home to 12 per cent of the region's heroin users." Due to the lack of ANY education system in Goole (or indeed, up North), it is said that the only successful way out of Goole, is to kill yourself with drugs, and hope that the coroner takes your body to a nicer town, 200 miles away.
Nobody outside of Goole has EVAR heard of Goole. This is helped by the fact that Goolies have no internets, electricity, or even gas lamps. A bit liek M.Night.Shamalalalaians "The Village".
Sheffield/Twok City
The chief hobbies in Sheffield are drinking, fighting, drinking, stealing cars, drinking and prostitution. The worst council estate there(The Manor) is full of fine young gentlemen and fashioned in a figure of eight, perfect for joyriding.
Sheffield used to be an industrial town famous for steel. Now it's famous for its inhabitants that steal. The people are very friendly, especially around a place round the back of west street where a variety of people will strike up a conversation with you in the most friendly manner, even if they have never met you before. Typical talking points will be the solicitation of a womans company, or whether you would care to purchase any rare spices. Sheffield was also the country that came out on top in a public vote on whether marijuana should be legalised, scoring an impressive 73%. I even smoke it round me grans.
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