First World Problems

Nobody knows the troubles I've seen...

"First world problems" is a phrase used to belittle the suffering that first world citizens have to face on a daily basis. This practice originated with mothers who would coax children in to eating shit food by telling the kids that people in the third-world would be grateful to enjoy such a meal. Rather than cooking food designed to appeal to people who'd wolf-down shoe leather, served with a side of guilt, why not make something palatable by first world standards?

The third world and liberal misconceptions

This section aims to address misinformation spread by the liberal media.

The third world is hella violent

Children in Africa will from a very young age play a part in the political process.

Not true, and this is based on a lack of cultural understanding. Although rape and civil war are terrible things in the west, in Africa and the Middle East it's been a regular part of their culture since time immemorial. The biggest mistake the western colonial powers made was in trying to suppress these natural needs for strife and sexual assault. Anyone who has seen Spanish or Italian women in conversation could be mistaken for thinking that they're arguing and on the verge of violence when in reality they're simply passionate and using languages far more emotive than English can be. The same is true of Africans who run around shooting anything the can't rape, and in cases of things that can be raped, they'll be shot anyway before or after being raped.

The Middle East is generally perceived as being a violent shit hole, populated almost entirely by suicidal nut jobs, fighting because they can't decide who is correctly interpreting the wishes of their invisible friend? Again, this is untrue. The Middle East is vibrant and exotic part of the world, blessed with not one but three major religions.

The third world is poor

I just paid three dollars for a barely chilled bottle of Evian, and this kid's getting a bottle twice as big for free!

While you pay for water, either through water charges or in buying bottled water, he's getting this for free!]] A quick review of the CIA Fact Book shows that the cost of living in third world countries is typically far lower than in the west. A miner in the congo can live on a salary of less than five dollars per day - just try doing that in Ohio. The average American has little to no savings and a shit load of debt. Contrast this with the average citizen of Zimbabwe, where the government in 2009 has to print a 1 trillion Zimbabwean Dollar banknotes just because people had so much money! Think you're doing well pulling down 50k in the IT industry? Some random fucker, selling grilled lizard by the roadside in Zimbabwe, has a stack of those trillion Zimbabwean Dollar notes in his back pocket, and your net worth is south of 0.

Government and medical care are disorganised and of poor quality

Obama's efforts to roll-out universal healthcare pale in comparison to the work of Gambia's president (for life), Yahya Jammeh, who in 2007 announced that he'd personally discovered the cure to AIDS. Even in 2012 AIDS sufferers in America still don't have access to a cure, and this nigger's running around curing it with a bunch of herbs! As well as AIDS, Jammeh's herbs can also cure asthma - a chronic condition that western medicine can alleviate but not cure. As well as Jammeh's work, others in Africa have found that AIDS can be cured through sex with virgins.

African countries enjoy far more political stability than the west. To stay with Gambia's Yahya Jammeh, he has been in power since 1994, while in America no president has served more than 8 years. The general approach to elections in Africa and the Middle East is that citizens got it right first time when they voted, so there's just no need to ask again every four years. Zimbabwe is an example of an electorate who chose Adolf Mugabe to be President For Life, and ever since have reaped the benefits of his beneficent and wise leadership, not least of all through their vibrant economy and the consolidation of agriculture in the hands of Mugabe's most trusted friends and supporters. Any attempts to destabilise such countries are swiftly dealt with, which some western observers have wrongly interpreted as the actions of oppressive and totalitarian regimes.

It should also be noted that Iran has absolutely no heterosexuals.

Religious conflict is rampant

To western eyes this appears provocative and violent, but only when taken out of context.

As evidenced by the red states of America, strong religious belief and its involvement in government is always a positive thing. Third world countries are practically infested with strong religious belief, so it's to be expected that God's influence would surely result in peaceful and morally sound societies. Some countries ostensibly experiencing ethnic and religious conflict are in fact engaged in vigorous debate between competing tribes/religions, which is broadly comparable to nothing more than the heated rivalry seen between sports teams in the west. People get shot or mutilated, but third world people don't feel pain or suffering the same way we do in the west. Any western woman having her genitals trimmed and sewn shut would suffer greatly, while in Muslim countries this is nothing more than a formality that marks their entry in to womanhood. Seriously, if it's so bad then why do so many women in these countries support it?

The idea that religion can cause conflict is nonsensical, and the third world has a metric fuckton of religion. What could possibly go wrong?

Women treated poorly

Nothing could be further from the truth. Women in third world countries are just as important as men, only men are in charge and are more important. Western women have a dizzying number of responsibilities and distractions that prevent them from enjoying life. To illustrate this, the following section applies third world answers to first world womens' issues issues:

How do I balance a career with being a mother?

Don't have a career. Your husband shall provide for you, and you will honor your family by being a good wife.

I enjoy sex, is that wrong?

Yes, and you wouldn't be in this situation if your parents had circumcised you.

I'm 18 and My boyfriend is a deadbeat, spending most of his time playing video games and reading anime

In my country you would not have a boyfriend, and you are far too old to marry. In my country you would already have been married many years ago to a cousin of your father's choosing.

My husband beats me

And the problem being?

The Republican's attacks on women's reproductive freedom worry me, but I don't agree with Obama's socialist agenda. Who should I vote for?

This is a decision for men. Why is dinner not ready?

Examples of first world problems

• ED captcha offering shitty unreadable words
• Steam servers down
• White wine served at room temperature
• Forgot to record Firefly
• Having to vote
• Women dressing as they wish and driving cars
• Drinking no-name bottled water because San Pellegrino is unavailable
• Parents bought you a brand new car - wrong color
• Black president
• Bronies

Examples of third world problems

• Being lectured to and bothered by westerners