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| '''''Beowulf''''' is an [[epic]] poem by [[Anonymous]] from [[at least 100]] years ago. At [[over 9000]] lines, it is most notable for being a [[TL;DR]] piece of crap that no one will ever read other than [[faggots|English Majors]].
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| == Beowulf==
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| [[Image:Beowulf.jpg|thumb|[[Anonymous]] (in [[burka]]) wins the Whitebread Award.]]
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| [[Image:Beo-YMCA.jpg|thumb|right]]
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| [[Image:Funny-pictures-beowulf-bill-cat.jpg|thumb|right|I CAN HAS BEOWULF? Oh, lolcats, u so crazy.]]
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| [[Image:BEOPEEN.jpg|thumb|right|HOMG, SPOILERS!]]
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| [[Image:Beowulf-pornhigh.jpg|thumb|right|[[Rule 34|Oedipus Rex?]]]]
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| ''Beowulf'' is a [[poetry|mighty spell]] for turning [[13-year-old boy|white boys]] from snickering [[Something Awful|goons]] into people. Unfortunately, Junior High English is usually taught, nowadays, by a very nice middle-aged lady who did her Master's degree on Maya Angelou. Having no [[pedophile]] in her at all, her teaching of ''The Beowulf'' is invariably [[fail]]. There are no Jews whatsoever in ''Beowulf'' and therefore it is ''almost'' worth reading. If one of the Jew ''had'' appeared in Anglo-Saxon England, it would have been killed for meat. ''Beowulf'' is also notable for containing the first appearance of the word [[Church of the SubGenius|"sleac"]] in literature. The rhythmic structure of ''Beowulf'' is so hip and [[bix nood]] that folks in the Mid-West still square-dance to recordings of it. The dragon attempted to edit his entry in ''Beowulf'' by burning the sole manuscript with [[fire]]. Before the advent of [[WikiScanner]], this was passed off as a natural disaster.
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| ==Plot Summary==
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| The Geats were famous as the all around weakest gang in Los Angeles. (They started as an offshoot of the Rangers, but later ditched the "R" out of their name to diss them) There was this big ass ''war hero'' comes back from Afghanistan, Mr. Grendel, who would prowl around the neighborhood with a baseball bat. They couldn't even blast their tunes after dark or Grendel would call the cops on them! Lots of them got hauled off to jail, and the rest didn't have the heart to hassle a hot dog vendor.
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| But then comes in this all around bad ass dude, Beowulf (Used to be called "B.O." as a kid...). He hangs out all night on the street corner, and when Mr. Grendel comes up with the baseball bat, he pulls out a Tec-9 and stone cold caps his ass. The paramedics had to cut off his fuckin' ''arm'', it was a scene. And the Geats, they had a big party, went running around all the streets taggin' and hollerin, they put together their money and got a couple of kilos of dope to sell, what a great time.
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| Well surprise surprise, the next thing they know, Grendel's mom, old Mrs. Grendel, comes walking down the street with this whole crew of protestors and TV cameras and shit. They hold this huge candle-light vigil, get the residents to put Webcams on their balconies, call in the Guardian Angels... before they know it, the Geats are worse off than they ever were. And even Beowulf doesn't know what the fuck he can do to fix it - until he's talking to some guy in a bar, who says that Mr. Grendel was selling all kinds of Army supplies out of his garage.
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| So Beowulf waits until Mrs. Grendel is having one of her meetings, and busts into her garage, and holy shit! the place has got full crates of grenades, sniper rifles, machine guns... he grabs a bunch of weapons for his buddies, tosses a grenade in the garage as he leaves, then comes after Mrs. Grendel and her prayer circle in the big house. And it's absolute ''carnage''. The cops get there, they call the anti-terror squad, they go through all the weapons... they decide it must be some white power organization Grendel sold to, because the local gangs are too weak to pull any shit like this.
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| After that everything's fine for a long time, until one day one of Beowulf's Junior G's comes to him saying that he's got the chinks on his tail. Apparently the brat picked the lock on a safe house and made off with a couple of kilos of coke, thinking they'd assume someone inside their organization did it... trouble was, they caught him on video. So now the Celestial Dragon Tong was hunting for the kid all over the Geats' neighborhood. Of course, Beowulf knows the kid deserves what he gets, but he doesn't want his crew to look weak, so he goes out after them with everything he's got. He guns down a whole bunch of Dragons, but they put a bunch of rounds into him also.
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| The Geats had a grand funeral for him, parading his coffin through the neighborhood raised up in the back of a pickup truck on the way to the cemetary. They painted a huge mural of him on the side of the Lower Kennedy Freeway overpass over route 72, and to this day, all Junior G's flash him the Geats hand sign when they walk walk underneath.
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| ==[[Shit no one cares about]]. And spoilers. Spoilers that no one cares about.==
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| In the poem, Beowulf, hero of the Geats, is taken on to fight [[dinosaur|Grendel]], who is ruining trade at a [[Denmark|Danish]] mead hall. He rips off Grendel's arm, leaving him unable to [[Masturbation|jerk off]], and proceeds to finish the [[epic]] [[pwnage]]. [[Your Mom|Grendel's Mom]] wreaks havoc, so Beowulf goes to [[buttsecks|kick]] [[goatse|her ass]]. Then some random [[dragon]] [[A CHALLENGER APPEARS|appears]] and fries Beowulf into a [[fried chicken|crisp]] as Beowulf [[guro|stabs its guts out]].
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| ==Films [[no one]] cares about.==
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| A shoddy attempt at producing an entertaining version of ''Beowulf'' came out in 2007, this time featuring a disturbingly naked Hannibal Lecter and [http://www.arclight.net/~pdb/nonfiction/uncanny-valley.html crappy CG] turning a fat Cockney actor, Ray "I’ve come to kiwaw your monstah!" Winstone, into Beowulf. At last, apathetic and mentally deficient high schoolers have a film they can really <i>connect</i> to, and be able to pass their Literature exams without lifting a finger other than to masturbate over CG-[[Tomb_Raider|Angelina Jolie]]'s artificially enlarged breasts.
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| This differs from the earlier, sci-fi version starring [http://www.joblo.com/arrow/reviews.php?id=222 Christopher Lambert and one too many hits of acid], which caused aforementioned high schoolers to fail English class and life in general. Although chock-full of cleavage and demonic sex, this earlier attempt lacked both a budget and a plot resembling anything an English Lit teacher would approve. This attempt is the best one as it isn't full of Fail but instead has sex and violence that everyone enjoys.
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| An even obscurer offering, ''The 13th Warrior'', reworked the story to star a [[Islam|Muslim]] Zorro helping [[Klingon]]s (Beowulf is renamed Beefwilly or Bellywhiff or something) fight Neanderthals.
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| == A Dozen Virgins ==
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| There was a dozen [[virgins]] <br>
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| Frisians, Danes and Franks <br>
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| We took them for some [[sex|swifan]] <br>
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| And all we got were [[fap|wanks]]<br>
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| (Chourus)
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| Oh, we are Beowulf's [[personal army|army]] <br>
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| Each a mighty thane <br>
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| We'll pummel your [[ass]]es <br>
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| And [[rape|ravage]] your lasses <br>
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| [[More|Then do it all over again]] <br>
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| The [[fat|fattest]] of the virgins <br>
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| I knew her for a [[whore]] <br>
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| I gave her all my [[cock|codpiece]] <br>
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| And still she wanted [[more]] <br>
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| Her sister was from Norway <br>
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| She cost me 20 groats <br>
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| [[Blowjob|She showed me there was more ways<br>
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| Than one to sow my oats]]<br>
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| Her [[Your mom|mother]] was from Iceland<br>
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| And she was mighty [[Hawt|hot]] <br>
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| She'd need a whole damn iceberg <br>
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| To cool her burning [[twat]]<br>
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| == Other versions of Da Wulf ==
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| *[http://www.bagbybeowulf.com Bilbo Bagby], a very refined gentlehobbit indeed, has recently released a CD version of ''Beowulf'', which was authentically filmed in a hall full of wooden pillars. No wait...that was the Scandinavian audience. Has a tendency to camp out on certain syllables, which is technically known as a "yodelisma". The little yips when Grendel starts to get frisky are a nice touch. Smiles too much; apparently thinks he's doing opera. Fails the darker colors of the poem because he's obviously not in touch with his inner [[pedophile]].
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| *[[Didaskalos]] is giving a show of ''Beowulf'' two days before the movie comes out. This will take place in a rented suburban skatepark full of teenage boys. Assuming [[Perverted Justice|PJ]] doesn't out him for his nefarious plan to corrupt the youth of the South with fake "[[jenkem|mead]]", [[vikings|Nordic boy-magnets]], and kewl [[runes]], anyway. This could be potentially anticlimactic!
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| *Report: Oh it ''was'' anticlimactic it ''was''! Only one person showed up, a ten-year old boy, and he sat upside-down on the couch nibbling from a styrofoam cup of cheddar fish and pretzels, and fell asleep half-way through. Didaskalos had a right lovely old time of slavering over his sleeping "Danish" form, as the ravenous Grendel...oh yes my precious...
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| == A precious fragment of traditional Anglo-Saxon culture ==
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| * IT'S ''YOUR'' BEOWULF: Drink mead together, recite it often, and teach it to your sons. In this way, little white boys will be able to sleep safe at night, without fear of being eaten by [[beaner]]s, [[gook]]s, black persons, [[faggot]]s, [[Didaskalos|pedophile]]s, or other figments of the [[Wyatt Mann|white]] imagination.
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| * Here A. [[Wyatt Mann]] gives his impression of the inside of the hall Heorot, as night falls and the shadows lengthen:
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| * What fears does this cartoon evoke, hmmm? "Don't ask, just Grendel!" [[Amirite]]?
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| * If you don't Beowulf, the Zionist Occupation Government wins!
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| ==Epic rape, not epic lulz==
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| [[Image:Make_beowulf.png|thumb|right|To make up for his own brutal [[rape]], Beowulf took it out on [[Seaking]]]]
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| While Anonymous' epic may have been truly epic at the time, Anon failed to update it for [[MySpace|today's audience]], instead letting it wither to [[old meme]] status. This left the tale open for the taking, and it has since been gang-banged so hard it's coughing up its own vagina and has shown up on [[I Can Has Cheezburger|ICHC]] with various misspelled and unfunny phrases shooped onto it.
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| "I AM BEOWULF" is a [[fucking|motherfucking]] terrible [[meme]] forced down the throats of [[b-tards|/b/-tards]] because unmonitored [[13 year olds]] think its funny to live their ''[[Beowulf]]'' fantasies vicariously through some [[300|Spartan]] horseshit thought up by Frank Miller while he was jacking off at a pay-to-use [[7-11]] [[Wikipedia|toilet]]. Since all the [[ppl]] who saw ''Beowulf'' saw it with their [[mom|moms]], there clearly wasn't an efficient sexual outlet for these children (a la being gently [[jacking off|jacked off]] in the back row by some [[pope|old dude]] who bought you nachos). So what was the cure for their backed up [[sperm]]? Unconscionably retarded ''[[300]]'' references? Yes [[plz]].
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| <youtube>sD3nv3-uqG8</youtube>
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| ==Replacement of the [[at least 100|now defunct]] "[[ALL CAPS|THIS IS SPARTA!]]"==
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| [[Some argue]] that the replacement of "THIS IS SPARTA!" with "I AM BEOWULF!" was a [[moar|much needed]] change for the [[LJ]] community and [[internets|tubular]] [[drama whore]]s at large. Problem is, they're the exact same meme, because Robert Zemeckis is a moron, so this didn't actually fix anything.
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| ==External Links==
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| * [http://www.2girls1cup.com/ Official Movie Site]
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| {{memes}}
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| {{Television}}
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