Chris Kluwe

Chris Kluwe, Christopher J Kluwe, is a former handegg punter, who got fired for being too old to kick the ball, despite him claiming it was because he supported the gays, and who is now living out his retirement by neglecting his wife and child by being a white knight on twitter and by perusing twitch.tv to find a stream of a female let's players, that he can flex his fat gut at, in hopes of getting a private session.

Career end

Kluwe likes to claim that he was let go from the Minnesota Vikings for his stance on gay marriage, and that it had absolutely nothing to do with him wanting 4 million a year for being an old washed-up knee-injured has-been.

“The record fails does not support the claim that the Vikings released Kluwe because of his activism on behalf of same-sex marriage, but instead because of his declining punting performance in 2012 and potentially because of the distraction caused by Kluwe's activism as opposed to the substance of such…The objective evidence, in addition to the subjective evaluation of coaches, special teams staff members and external evaluators, simply contradict Kluwe's view of his performance in 2012. No interviewed witness agreed that Kluwe had a good year in 2012…There is also the issue of Kluwe's age (31) and salary ($1.3 million) in 2012 and slated salary of $1.4 million in 2013. Several coaching staff members noted that Kluwe's age, previous knee injury and leg strength showed a punter in decline. Also, the Vikings were able to sign drafted punter (Jeff) Locke for $405,000, less than one third of Kluwe's scheduled 2013 salary…In grading Kluwe, (Angelo and Hentrich) considered criteria, including but not limited to: (1) get-off time; (2) gross punting average; (3) net punting average; (4) hang time; (5) directional punting; and (6) pooch punting…Angelo said that if he held the title of General Manager for the Minnesota Vikings for the 2012 season, he would have “in all likelihood” released Chris Kluwe as the Vikings punter.”

Rape cover up and making fun of victims

sauce
In a Twitter rant, Kluweless explained how two of his viking friends were caught fucking an underage girl. But in true SJW fashion he didn't report it to the police. The reason why Chris didn't call the cops, is because he obviously was one of the two guys

 
'Chris still hasn't told the police about this, we wonder why.

Penn State Victim joke

Besides covering up rape, Kluweless, was busy making homophobic jokes about rape. Yes, your champion liked to cut a hole in his pants, near his giant gaping asshole, just to proclaim that he was a Penn State victim.

Racism

Homophobia and rape jokes aren't enough for Chris, so after being wiped by pornstar Mercedes Carrera in a debate, all Chris had left was to return to his habits of blatant racism. So Chris went on Twitter, and called Mercedes a nacho shield, because she is a fat spic, before fleeing to his echo chamber as he blocked Mercedes for pointing out his racism. What a class act.

TrippingIcarus

TrippingIcarus is Chris' band. We think it is supposed to be a Nickelback cover band, but they somehow screwed up and became even worse.

Gaming creds

Chris will proudly proclaim that he is a world famous video gamer player and absolute one of the best. Let's see what the public think:

	“	scrub fgt gets carried every time	„
	—Jean Never Wins

	“	Kluwe is the scrub who plays a useless class and gets in the way during raids and talks over the mic the whole time, annoying everyone, gets kicked out of the group, and then can't get into any other groups, and thinks its just because everyone's jealous	„
	—http://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/2000211-sports-and-racing-nfl/68465823

	“	to be fair, I watched the matches, and any casual xcom player would destroy them both, but we can't punt worth shit, so meh.	„
	—http://www.ign.com/boards/threads/oh-chris-kluwe-taking-on-xcom-dev-stakes-have-never-been-higher.452804507/

	“	DeAngelis wiped the floor with Kluwe	„
	—GameInformer

Books he has written

Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies

A book because Chris couldn't figure out how to use LiveJournal or BlogSpot.

	“	I got this as a gift. I was very disappointed. I was told that Kluwe was some sort of thinker and had things worth saying. But it sure didn't turn out that way. Kluwe is one of those people who gets TV famous and then suddenly sees himself as something important to the world. Despite his ego, it seems that actually writing a book was beyond his abilities. The book is just a bunch of thrown together short essays each no more than a handful of pages long. Most of the essays are not even very well written. One chapter reproduces a b*tchy email he wrote to some politician. No additional comment of speak of. Its a really telling email because it reads like the blog entry of a 14 year old complete with gratuitous f-bombs and a special closing "p.s." which ends in name-calling. I was told that this guy had something to say. But he mostly comes across in the book as another dumb jock with a huge ego. He tries later in the book to take down Ayn Rand (which is not exactly difficult) and across about five pages mostly fails to do so., He explains to us that John Gait is a "turd". Why? Because everyone who doesn't agree with Chris Kluwe is one too. For a guy who talks so much about acceptance and tolerance, the book sure doesn't show much of it, He deals with "big questions" on occasion. The ultimate man tells us what "truth" is. "truth" is that there are selfish people who are responsible for everything Kluwe doesn't like and then there are those who represent "self-sacrifice and love" who are responsible for making the world less than utterly bleak. The selfish people "kill children". The self-sacrifice people give children "encouragement and love". He also weighs in on "self-evident" truth which is defined to only be that humans individually determine how "truthful" to be with each other. One "truth" is that dividing the world up into people you like and don't like, then grafting negative emotions on those you don't like is rather childish. Putting yourself on the side of the baby-savers while branding your enemies as baby-killers is also a bit much. The book also frequently displays a tendency toward "salting" references in to give the illusion of deeper thought. A word or a reference is suddenly dropped in which doesn't much fit with the other material. But then its back to the 14 year old stuff where he throws insults or explains insults or talks about his email. The most useful thing people can probably get out of the book is a case study in how being "famous" rots the brain. How people who get political visibility and get the media listening to them tend to go off the rails fast. As went Julian Assange, so goes Chris Kluwe. The minute anyone starts listening to the media and politicians about how important they are, doom will follow.	„

PRIME: A Genesis series Event Part 1

A book co-written by Andrew Rainer, known for being executive editor of Game Informer and being in Chris' shitty band. I wonder why Chris would be so adamant in attacking GamerGate, just because he is BFF with one of those having to adhere to common journalistic guidelines.

	“	How do I review a debut novel that plagiarizes so many sci-fi stories? I suppose there must be an allowance given to the two "authors"; One a Game Magazine Editor and the other an ex-Punter. Much in the same way we have to give allowance of "artistic expression" to a 4 year old that wants her drawings hung on a refrigerator door. The easiest scenario I can set up for this review can be taken from the writer's own words; ANDREW REINER: The original discussion we had was really stupid, but exciting. I believe we settled on a story about a shark with a human brain that was a detective who solved murders but also gave into his killer instincts and killed a bunch of people. It was kind of like a shark version of Dexter, I believe. CHRIS KLUWE: Andrew and I were talking one day, and we started spit-balling ideas for a cheesy scifi movie like Sharknado. We stumbled on one that we really liked, started fleshing out the universe, and realized we had a legit cool sci-fi story on our hands. That was when we knew we had to write this book. Apparently the earliest inspiration was 'Sharknado', 'Deep Blue Sea' & the Showtime series 'Dexter'. But the book I read had none of this. PRIME begins with wealthy people going to a resort to hunt genetically modified creatures ... "but in space". The main characters are Xander, a mad scientist and Rob, a salesman that convinces wealthy people that hunting Frankenstein Monsters is a good idea. Very quickly the monsters break free and ... uhg ... it saves me a lot of unnecessary typing by just admitting this is Jurassic Park ... "but in space" The dialogue has the same disjointed unrealistic conversations found in 1980's comic books & video games. Character development is nowhere to be found as the story jumps around from action scene to action scene. The closest we get to reading dialogue is Rob's inner thoughts, "I aim to find out. I aim to find out, indeed." - There's one perspective to another perspective without bridging them together at a relative pace.It's like the screenplay for a SYFY Original with describing blood spraying everywhere and how "cool" it is. Now mind you this does occur in outer space, yet there's so little mention of stars, planets & aliens that you have to remind yourself that this is happening in space and not the video game DOOM. There is no historic background, governing rules or a social structure of any kind. It's an isolated expedition. The readers only intel of current history is that Earth is dead & people live in space now. Prime is filled with mindless-actions and very little dialogue. This is lazy writing at it's laziest. "Why have it in space to begin with." I ask myself ... the answer would be "legality" because this is bluntly rewriting a Michael Crichton story with hopes that it gets picked up by SYFY or a game developer. I simply can't continue critiquing this nonsense. It's garbage. After reading this book I threw it in the garbage. It's that bad. BUT the worst thing ... the very worst thing about this book, is that these two hacks have deemed it good enough for a series of books. Their next story well underway. That's the horrifying twist ending for this empty tale ... "We're Not Done Yet".	„

Gallery

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External links

• The wife's health care clinic (archive)
• complete name of all family members (archive)
•  brother's facebook
•  wife's facebook
• Dad is of course a fucking millionaire
• Mom is an anesthesiologist
•  Sister's facebook