Solaris

Solaris (moar liek "Slowlaris", amirite) is a UNIX based operating system created by Sun Microsystems. It is known for its power and unique ability to run on expensive, high quality Sun hardware and for being so amazing that no human can possibly comprehend it.

Origins

Billions of years ago there were numerous bloated yet relatively useless UNIX-based systems floating around the universe, doing little more than answering the occasional database query or giving system administrators and engineers a means to pretend to work. Then, one fateful day they all collided due to their collectively massive gravitational attraction, forming one dense singularity shining brilliantly in the sky, which many expected would explode in a supernova. It didn't, however, and Sun began marketing it as a new UNIX variant.

Decline In Use

In recent years Solaris has seen a decline in the number of installations. The reasons for this are twofold. First, the hardware requirements are beyond the resources of most companies, which can afford a limited amount of hydrogen and antimatter to power the machines. Second, after years of existing as a singularity Solaris has a tendency to take on the early stages of a super nova and vaporize several nearby planets. As a result many systems have migrated to the far superior Plan 9.

George Clooney taking some time off from selling coffee.(A human rights campaigner who stars in an ad campaign for Nescaffe, a branch of Nestle: Nestle is a company who has one of the very worst records of human rights violations of any company in the world. Fucking douchebag hypocrite.)

Users

International law prohibits anyone from seriously working with Solaris unless they have a few qualifications. First, they must be over 9000 years old. Second, they must have more facial hair than everyone in their native country combined (also, beards must exist in multiple dimensions). And finally, they must be virgins.

George Clooney is a well-known Solaris activist. He is said to have visited the actual Solaris during level 2 of his pokemon transformation into Fagchu.

As expected, the reviews of the film were fail.

	“	"Instead, what they created was a movie with little joy, no oomph, and paced so agonizingly slow that I fought a constant battle against nodding off."	„
	— A very wise man, About.com:Hollywood Movies.

OpenSolaris

OpenSolaris is a fork of Solaris marketed towards free software fanatics. Nevertheless, Sun Microsystems didn't want the OS is be entirely free, so they created the CDDL, which is incompatible with the GPL. As with OpenOffice.org, Sun hoped to make money off of anti-Micro$oft free software hippies. They expected to create a free software community that would rival the Linux community. As always, Sun failed and was bought by Oracle.

On August 15, 2010, it was revealed that OpenSolaris was dead. Oracle had took it out back and shot it in the head. Nothing of value was lost.