Dave Eggers

Eggers on his face

Slang for pretentious white asshole who is self-conscious about the ironic and detached way he views the world yet raves on ... and on ... and on ... about seriousness of viewpoint.

Eggered

egger

egger, eggered, eggering

Eggering is what rich kids do when they grow up, move out of their parents' houses, and decide to sit around and talk about how great they are being "artists" or "writers" since they never have to worry about getting real jobs. Eggered refers to the rotten feeling the reader has after ploughing through his magnum opus, as in Shit, dude, I've been seriously eggered. "To egger" refers to extreme emotional manipulation; I don't care about anyone in my family, but some of them are dead, won't you fuck me dude? is a prime example.

OMG He Published His Diarrhea

The cover of the book

Eggers swindled readers around the world with the publication of his cynical first novel, A Staggeringly Shallow Work of Heavy-Handedly Self-Promoting Gibberish. The book, part megalomaniacal rant, part maudlin confessional, and shameless self-promotion throughout, immediately established the Lake Forest native as one of the most noted con artists of his generation.

Plot

The plot in a nutshell follows.

Both my parents died tragically in quick succession. I give many examples intended to show that I must be the most sensitive and caring guy in the world. I was obsessed with getting on some stupid TV program but didn't and tried to get some people arrested for a theft they didn't commit. Don't you want to fuck me?

The Strategy

Eggers lovingly recounts his struggle to get the attention he desperately craves armed only with a preposterously swollen ego and a substantial inheritance from his parents. His audacity in playing out the long, painful deaths of his mother and father to gain sympathy and fool the reader into swallowing more of his self-serving crap than they otherwise would is perhaps the most staggering feature of his "memoir".

On-line Bullshit

Sickening letter where Eggy tries to egger subscriptions away from lifetime subscribers to his stupid magazine

Despite the author's complete ignorance of things on-line in his shitty first book despite the relatively recent setting, Eggers is now plural, having become several minor Internet memes. Following the success of SSWHSG, Eggers became a fixture on the American literary scene; predictably, many excruciatingly one-eyed on-line fora are filled with morons dedicated to discussing The Imitation of Eggers. Said fora and IRL appearances also attract large contingents of groupies taken in by his depiction of himself.

Beth Eggers Scandal

The control freak seriously offended his sister Beth, who wrote a letter to one of his many fan blogs, telling how she had a much bigger role in the things Eggy Boy depicts as proving how he's a great "dude" in his "memoir" than he'd ever be willing to let on. It was also republished in Harper's but forget that link. They stole the content from the Internet, but you have to subscribe before they'll show you more than the thumbnail.

After Beth ritually apologized on the god-author's McSwiney's site, the New York Post published this vague article claiming she had committed suicide four months earlier.

Nobody seems certain whether she is dead or the claim was a hoax in the poorest taste. There was no obituary and no published evidence that it really happened. The California Bar Association (she is or was a lawyer) just changed her listing to say "Elizabeth A. Eggers is NOT ENTITLED to practice law in California".

A year after the article in the NY Post (and almost 18 months after the alleged suicide), The American Prospect of Feb. 1 2003 claimed that "Beth took a fatal overdose of an antidepressant combined with an over-the-counter pain reliever, acetaminophen".

The convenient thing for Eggy is that nobody cares whether he killed his sister as well as his parents. The fans are all still too busy thinking they want to be him or at least have his babies.

Amazon Scandal and Internets Disease

Eggers and some friends were also caught giving each others' works positive reviews in the customer comments section at Amazon.com. He also seems to employ bot armies and the above morons as slaves to influence his page hits. Even worse, as an acute sufferer of Internet disease, Eggy Boy actually seems to bribe people to reverse even the most slightly negative opinions.

There are also blogs and semi-online publications like his supremely unfunny and unreadable magazine cum Web site, McSwiney's. All of them are centred on himself and strongly supported by the same morons.

Begging for a Punch in the Back of His Neck

In a 1998 article the arrogant fuck whimpers about the luzzworthy Norm MacDonald. The staggering genius attempts to belittle MacDonald's comedy by calling it "unsophisticated," SJWing attention to the fact that MaDonald's core audience is nothing more than "young white males," the contemptuous bastard bitches and moans about Norm's "innumerable references to whores, dirty Saigon whores, and dead hookers" which, according to rotten Eggy, puts the whiteboys at ease, "confirming and making virtuous their basic impulses toward sloth and philistinism." For the superior Eggers, pretty cool guy Norm is a "middle-aged white man still plagued by issues most people resolve during puberty, making pee-pee jokes." Norm never responded to Eggers' desperate plea for punch in the back of the neck, instead Norm asked "why did the moron throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him Richard Clock, the man convicted of knife-raping his wife."

Ultimate Eggering

Eggy tries to egger his lifetime subscribers out of their $100 subscriptions:

	“	"... we thought we'd check in on you and see if we could maybe, you know, move on.	„
	—Dave Eggers

A Rumor

Tape recordings of Eggers and Douglas Coupland having phone sex are believed to exist; here an exasperated Eggers, eager to get off the phone, finally hisses "Jesus, dude, just, like, close your eyes, dude, and think of Kurt Cobain already dude, will you dude?"

Also see

• In and out of search listings

• Missing white woman syndrome—a misnomer since the syndrome was first revealed here.

External links

• The letter from sister Beth NO LONGER THERE ("Not Found

The requested URL /mm/archive/2000/04/17/ was not found on this server.")

• You can read most of it here.

• Text of the hoax article in the NY Post

• Some worthwhile comments; probably only for book readers BALEETED

• Eggering the fans

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